She bought some fruit and a piece of fish for a pie. By the refreshment stall the yummy mummies were out in force, but this time she didn’t begrudge them their cooing, well-fed babies. Ruth’s unhealthy focus had cured her of that.
An older guy was manning Jason’s stall. Disappointed, she turned away. It would have been nice to lean into him and feel his strong arms around her, for him to take away some of the pain by just being there, but she was so used to dealing with things on her own that she figured it would keep.
Instead she wandered aimlessly for a bit, then stopped to chat with Winston. He gave her the low-down on the local gossip. New stalls opening up, the coolest place to hang, who’d been arrested. She let it wash over her and just enjoyed the sound of his sing-song Caribbean lilt.
‘What you done with old Fay?’ he asked.
This startled her. ‘Nothing.’
‘Then how come she sleeping rough now?’
‘Fay’s sleeping rough? Where?’
‘In da park,’ he said. ‘Where else would a body sleep rough?’
Helen could think of a thousand other places: shop doorways, bus stops, dark alleys. ‘Which park?’
‘The one ’bout half an hour from here, on the two feet that God gave you.’
‘Is she all right?’
Winston rolled his eyes. ‘What planet you come from? She’s unhappy.’
Helen wanted to ask more, but Winston had turned his full attention to a customer and was joking and chatting. Absent-mindedly she felt the fabrics hanging from the roof of his stall – the cottons, the woollens, the silks (hah!) – a kaleidoscope of colours and a wealth of textures.
Finally he turned his attention back to her. ‘Well? You fingering or buying?’
She found the park easily enough, a typical suburban park big enough to have its own modest lake, and tracking down Fay could be tricky. She might not be here at all. Helen traversed the park from the north end towards the tube, which ran across the park at the other end, looking to both sides to see if she could spot her.
At the end was a playground behind a low metal fence, kitted out with swings, brightly-coloured climbing frames and a rubbery surface to cushion any falls. Under the watchful eye of their mothers a hoard of children were playing, their young voices shrill over the din from the train passing overhead. Outside the fence was a row of benches, and Helen spotted a familiar figure.
It made sense. Playing children would be a natural magnet for Fay.
She slid down beside her. ‘Hi.’
‘Hi.’
‘You okay?’
Fay didn’t answer. Instead she clutched a handful of faded photographs in her lap. Stupid question, really.
‘You know who I am, I suppose.’
‘Mimi’s daughter. I always wondered what became of you. Have you come to take your revenge?’
‘Not any more.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I think I understand now what happened back then.’
Fay gave a dry laugh. ‘Then you understand a lot more than I do.’
‘I’ve spoken to the dog owner.’
‘What dog owner?’
‘There was a man with a dog that morning on the Common. I remembered him, and I managed to find him. Through a personal ad in the local paper.’
‘How clever of you.’ Fay smiled suddenly. ‘Now you mention it, I do remember a dog that morning when I … when your mother …’ She trailed off. They both knew what came next.
‘Do you remember anything else?’ asked Helen.
‘Not really. It’s so long ago, and my brain was pretty addled.’
‘Not even going for a pee behind a tree?’
‘The dog man told you that? Oh, god, how embarrassing!’ Her attention returned to the photos in her lap, straightening out one which had become crumpled. Then her gaze settled on the children in the playground, and her expression pierced Helen to the bone.
‘You shouldn’t be here. You’re just torturing yourself.’
‘I can’t help it. I lost so much. My life. My kids.’
‘We’ll find them. Okay?’
Fay shook her head. ‘It’s too late. They’re grown up now, they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.’
‘You don’t know that until you’ve tried.’ She paused. ‘You know, maybe we can get some of it back.’
‘How?’
‘By trying to piece it all together. If you don’t remember what happened on the Common, can you remember what happened before you got there?’
Fay was silent for a while. ‘Well, I was following her around a lot. Despite the restraining order I’d be parked outside your house, or near it, sometimes all night sleeping in the car. That morning I’d been there since the night before, and I woke up when your mother came out. She strapped you in your car seat.’ She sent Helen a sideways glance. ‘You looked sort of ill, and I thought she was taking you to hospital, but then she drove to the park instead. I got it into my head she was meeting my husband, and that she’d tried to give me the slip by getting up so early. I’m afraid I just lost it.’