The Education of Sebastian & the Education of Caroline(39)

“Yes. I mean, I’m glad you did—I was just wondering why.”

I wasn’t sure I knew how to answer that. In fact I didn’t want to be reminded that this was … wrong.

“I didn’t really change my mind: it’s still … dangerous for us, for me.”

He wrapped the blanket more tightly around us as if that could protect me from the disapproval of the world.

“I was too weak to stay away from you,” I whispered. “And today was so … I’ve never felt like this before. You make me feel alive. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong and...”

“How can you say that?” he said angrily, his body suddenly too still. “How can you say it’s wrong? How…”

He stumbled, trying to find the words, and I gasped with pain.

“Don’t be angry with me, Sebastian.”

I couldn’t bear it if you left me now.

“Just … just please don’t say it’s wrong. I can’t hear you say that.”

His hands were bunched into fists against the rough blanket.

I sat up alarmed.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that but nothing has changed. You’re still only 17 and I’m … still breaking the law. In the eyes of the world, I’m some disgusting, depraved sexual predator … a vile, awful…”

“Don’t!” He shouted, his eyes furious.

Abruptly, he pulled away from me, his fists pressed against his forehead.

His sudden anger scared me. I was used to anger from David and it rarely touched me—but this … I felt torn in half.

“Sebastian!”

I tried to pull his hands away from his face, but he was too strong and refused to look at me.

“Sebastian,” I spoke more gently. “You asked me why: and I’ve tried to explain. This isn’t going to be easy. You know this.”

I stroked his shoulder.

“Please?”

Eventually he turned toward me, although he still couldn’t meet my eyes. He let me take one of his hands in mine.

“Sorry,” he muttered softly.

“Me, too.”

He moved gently, wrapped me in his arms again and pulled me down so we were lying, a tangle of arms and legs and coarse wool.

He kissed me with sudden ferocity, covering my face and throat with hard, burning kisses. His weight pinned me down as I ran my hands across the taut muscles of his back and shoulders.

“I love you,” he growled. “That’s all that matters.”

I badly wanted to believe he was right; I knew he was wrong.

But I let his words, his hands and his body sweep me away. I realized with dim surprise that he’d grown hard again and his erection was probing between my legs. I wished I could just allow him to slide inside me without fear or consequence but the small, unquiet voice of reason was just about audible.

I felt his wet tip push again against my thighs. I laid my hand firmly against his chest.

“Sebastian,” I said, a warning in my voice.

He groaned and rolled onto his back, then fumbled around while I waited, growing impatient.

“I can’t find the fucking condoms!”

“What?”

“They were in my jeans’ pocket, but I can’t find them now.”

What?

We scrambled around in the dark, frustration mounting. I grabbed handfuls of sand, sieving it through my fingers, trying to find the small packet.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” he yelled suddenly and threw himself back down on the blanket.

He looked so wretched and, well, kind of uncomfortable, that I couldn’t help smiling. I was really trying hard not to laugh but the situation was so ridiculous.

“Oh dear,” I said, the humor obvious in my voice. “What are we going to do now?”

He ignored my tone. I really hoped he wasn’t going to sulk. But I had a solution in mind.

I stroked his satiny skin, still stretched tight over his erection. He groaned and turned his eyes toward me.

I held him firmly, sliding my hand up and down him several times. His hips arched underneath me while his hands lay limply at his sides.

Slowly, my intent now obvious, I knelt at his side and stared down at him.

“Oh, fuck!” he breathed.

Well, not quite, but this will have to do for now.

Gently, I pulled his erection back toward my mouth and ran my tongue around the skin. I tried to ignore the rubbery flavor and hoped it would wear off soon. I decided to do some more wearing off using my tongue and teeth and, with great satisfaction, I watched him writhe and pant under my touch. I massaged his balls with one hand and spread my other hand out on his stomach, pressing him down into the blanket.

“Caro!” he moaned.

Hearing my name on his lips was extraordinarily arousing. For the first time ever, I really wanted to do this, to take him all the way.