The Edge of Everything(51)

There was a giant sort of corkscrew, an auger, leaning against the shed. Her father took it and, hands trembling, began to screw yet another hole into the ice. Above them, the sky darkened. Zoe looked up at the hills. The trees were a solid black mass now, an army waiting for orders. X and Ripper stood there, watching. Soon it would all be over.

She didn't know if she was ready. Had she said everything she'd wanted to say? Had she gotten what she wanted? What had she wanted?

Her father was twisting the auger furiously. The hole was growing. Zoe tried to squash every bit of sympathy, but she couldn't. He looked like a man digging his own grave.

"I ran from Stan, not from you," he said suddenly.



       
         
       
        

He threw down the auger, and walked toward her.

"I grew up with him, did you know that?" he said.

His eyes were wild. It was Zoe who stepped backward this time.

"Yes," she said. "Mom told me."

"Did she tell you he was like a virus?" he said. "That he-that he-that he was hateful and merciless and-and-lonely even when he was a kid? Did she tell you how he polluted everything? When we were kids, he did things-we did things-that I'll never forgive myself for. I left Virginia because of him. Married your mother. Changed my name. Changed my heart. Truly. I mean, look, to be honest, you changed my heart-you and Jonah and your mom. You can laugh, if you want."

Zoe knew she was supposed to say something comforting. She said nothing. She made her face blank.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket.

More texts from Jonah. It had to be.

"I spent almost-what-twenty years looking over my shoulder," her father said. "I was terrified Stan would find me. You don't just walk away from someone like that. They won't accept it. They're-they're-feeding on you. But I got away from Stan. I tried to be a dad. Tried to forgive myself. Tried to make some goddamn money so we could-so we could at least freakin' live. You all used to laugh at my schemes, but every time I was away-every time I was on the road, every time I 'disappeared'-I was trying to get something going. I'm not smart like you, Zoe. No-don't make that face, it's okay-I'm just not. I mean, look at me. But I tried every legitimate, law-abiding thing I could think of. You think I wanted your mom to work as hard as she did? Be careful who you fall in love with, Zoe. You've got a big, big heart. Don't waste it like your mother wasted hers on me."

Her father stopped talking as abruptly as he'd started. He picked the auger off the ice once more and began drilling, desperate to do something with his hands.

"Why did you freak out about Bert and Betty?" said Zoe. "You never loved them like the rest of us did. You barely knew them-because you were never around. So why do you care what happened to them?"

Her father seemed not to have heard her.

"Twenty years I looked over my shoulder," he said.

"You said that already," said Zoe. "Answer my question."

But it was as if her father were talking to himself now.

"I was so careful," he said. "Because I knew Stan would never stop looking for me."

Zoe's phone buzzed again, jittery as a bomb. She was about to read Jonah's texts when something caught her attention out on the edge of the lake: the ice had begun to change. 

Color was seeping in. It was darker than the time with Stan-more red than orange-and it spread slowly, like a sickness.

Her father was too obsessed with his hole to notice.

"But you can't hide forever, can you?" he said. "I mean, you found me here. And this place-this place isn't just off the grid, it's never even heard of the freakin' grid." He wiped the sweat from his forehead. "So Stan found me. Tracked me down in Montana. And he saw, in two seconds, how desperate I was. How broke I was. How ashamed I was of just years and years and years of failure. I mean, I was good in a cave, but-let's face it-I was always pretty useless aboveground."

Zoe looked back to the hill.

X and Ripper were sweeping down it now. Ripper's dark hair was swept up in a bun. Her bare neck was glinting.

Zoe's father still hadn't seen them.

"Why did you freak out about the Wallaces?" she said again. "Answer my question."

X and Ripper came to the bottom of the hill, and, as if they'd planned it, leaped simultaneously over the reeds. They were close now. The red tide beneath the ice was just a few steps ahead of them, like a carpet unfurling.

"Answer my question!" Zoe shouted.

But he wouldn't. He wouldn't even look at her. He had to finish his story-he had to purge himself of it-just as he had to finish the hole that was opening at his feet.

"Stan had a couple of ideas for making money," her father said. "They weren't dangerous, they weren't going to hurt anybody, but-I'm not gonna lie-they weren't exactly legal. The first one worked and then the second one worked. Having a little money was amazing. Thrilling. I can't even describe it. I bought Jonah that ladybug bed, even though he was too old for the thing. Remember? Then, the third time around, somebody did get hurt. An innocent person, I mean. She didn't get hurt bad, but still. Stan called it 'acceptable collateral damage.'"

Her father was still crying. He twisted the auger so hard it was as if he were punishing himself.

Zoe was crying now, too.

"Answer my question," she said.

"Stan eventually ran out of ideas for making money," her father said. "He told me it was my turn to think of something."

Zoe was shaking again. She couldn't control it. It was taking over her body like the red stain was taking over the ice.

She finally understood what her father was about to say, and she didn't know if she could stand to hear it.

"I didn't have any ideas," he said. "But Stan had gotten-he'd gotten rabid, almost. He demanded I come up with something."

The hole was deepening, widening. Sweat trickled down her father's neck.

"I told him there was an old couple who lived on the lake," he said.

The ice was changing faster, the red crawling toward them like a tide. Zoe's phone was buzzing. Her father still wouldn't look at her.

"I told him I thought they might have some money," he said.

Her father dropped his head to the top of the auger, sobbing. He was oblivious to everything but his own misery.

"I feared for those people, I swear to god," he said. "I told Stan I wanted no part of hurting Bert and Betty. But he went crazy on me-went absolutely ape-shit. You don't say no to somebody like that. He threatened to tell your mother everything. Threatened to hurt you kids. Threatened to tell the world who I really was. I didn't care if the world knew-the world never gave a crap about me-but I couldn't let your mom and you kids down again. I figured I'd rather die than do that." He paused. "So I started looking for a way to die."



       
         
       
        

Her father straightened up now, and resumed drilling.

The hole was nearly finished.

"Bert and Betty didn't have any money," said Zoe. "Stan killed them for nothing! He killed them because of you!"

Her father gave the auger one last twist, then fell backward, bewildered.

Red water surged up through the hole, like blood.





twenty-one


X strode toward them, Ripper at his side. He was so close to his bounty that the Trembling had all but taken over his body and begun breathing for him. He never felt more inhuman, more monstrous, than in these moments. He was ashamed that Zoe would see him like this a second time. She'd see him shake and scream and spit vile oaths, all the tenderness she'd awoken in him suffocated by rage.

Could she really choose him? Over her own father?

X looked to her for a sign that she was still committed to their plan, but she was turned away. He couldn't make himself believe that he deserved her. The sensation of being loved was still too alien and new. He wanted to trust it, wanted to wrap himself in it, wanted to give himself up to it entirely. But this anger coursing through him made him feel polluted. Unworthy. Undeserving of even the name she'd given him. Love felt like a blanket someone was bound to yank away. The warmer he got now, the colder he would be later.

He needed to see Zoe's face. He needed to be sure she hadn't changed her mind.

X turned to her father, and found that he was gaping at him in shock. He held a strange, twisted piece of metal in his hands. Dark water was pooling at his feet.

He seemed to recognize X from their moment on the beach the day before. X could see him replaying the conversation in his head:

"Is this your first time in Canada?"

"Is this Canada?"

X motioned for Ripper to stay behind. She made a small, pouty sound, and stopped walking, the hem of her dress waving above her boots. X went ahead alone.

Yet again he looked to Zoe-and finally she turned.

Her face was aflame with anger. X had never seen her features so distorted. She looked ready to kill her father herself.

She rushed toward X.

She embraced him, but for the first time she felt cold and stiff. Utterly unlike herself. She gripped his arm so hard he could feel her nails even through his coat.

She gestured toward her father.

"He's the reason Stan killed Bert and Betty," she said.