The Duke I'm Going to Marry(83)

Dillie’s eyes began to glisten and she let out a ragged breath. She’d soon be crying. He took her hand to warm it in his, or perhaps she’d taken his hand. It didn’t much matter. “The ice was thin in spots, mostly where the water ran deepest. It all happened so quickly. I don’t recall everything that happened. All I know is that I was on that pond, falling through the ice and calling out for James.”

“Oh, Ian.” She let out another ragged breath.

“I reached out for him. I remember that, too. At some point, we both fell through the ice and went under. I saw him as we sank below the surface, somehow managed to grab his coat to pull him toward me.” He tightened his grip on the whiskey glass to keep his hand from shaking, but it shook nonetheless. “We couldn’t have been underwater very long, but it was long enough for me to black out. Next thing I remember, I awoke in my bed, my nanny seated by my bedside and crying. I asked her about James. She told me to get some rest and she’d see me in the morning. She said that James needed her more. She was right. He never made it through the night. James was dead within a matter of hours.”

Dillie made no pretense of being brave. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. “You must have loved him very much.”

He nodded. “He was everything to me. Our parents never paid much attention to us. We saw them only occasionally. James and I saw each other every day. He was the best. Loving. Protective. So damn softhearted. We were brothers and the best of friends. Then I killed him.”

Dillie frowned. “No. You fell through the ice.”

“And he ran out to rescue me. I was someplace I shouldn’t have been, and he paid the highest price for my mistake.”

“The mistake of a four-year-old. Where was your nanny? Why didn’t she stop you?”

“I was told that she tried, but I slipped out of her clutches and tore onto the pond. It doesn’t matter what happened. James died and I lived. From that day on, I was dead to my family. James, who had mostly been ignored until then, as I was, suddenly became the adored child.”

“That isn’t fair. Oh, Ian! Your parents were wrong.” Her fingers were entwined with his, her hand so soft against his cold palm.

“I’m not looking to blame anyone, Dillie. I understand that I was a child. Had I been older, I would not have run onto that fragile ice.” He set his drink aside and took both of her hands in his. “James was all I had. From that day on, I was on my own. I never saw my nanny again. No doubt, she was discharged. I don’t know what happened to her. She had been good to me and James, but James had died under her watch. I suppose I ruined her life as well.”

He sighed. “After that day, my father never spoke to me. He refused to see me, even if we were standing in the same room. I was a ghostly apparition. My mother only spoke to tell me how much she hated me. The rest of the family followed suit. That was my joyous upbringing.”

Dillie squeezed his hands, her expression anguished as she gazed at him. “No wonder you refused to speak of it earlier. I’m so sorry I tried to make a stupid game of it.”

“You don’t owe me any apologies, Dillie. I ought to have told you about James months ago. I’m not used to confiding in anyone. But you’re to be my wife now, so it’s only fair that you should know. I ought to have told you last night before I latched the door. I took advantage of your trust, gave you no chance to toss me out on my ear.”

Dillie shook her head. “I wouldn’t have tossed you out.”

“The point is, I didn’t give you the choice. I purposely boxed you into a corner, trapped you into consenting to the marriage. It wasn’t well done of me. Yet I feel no remorse. I’d do it all over again.”

“To protect me from scandal?” He noticed that her fingers were still entwined in his and he took it as a hopeful sign.

He nodded. “That’s one reason.”

“Is there another reason?” She shifted closer. Any closer and she’d be on his lap, but he didn’t mind. He wanted to feel her soft curves against his body.

“Hell if I know.” He’d spent his life alone and hadn’t needed anyone until now. He didn’t want to need Dillie, but at the moment, she was more important to him than air to breathe.

She pursed her lips and glanced off into the distance. “I think we’ve both lied to each other and to ourselves. We’ve always been drawn to each other. Oh, blame it on the Chipping Way curse, if you will. I think it has little to do with such superstition and all to do with fear of falling in love. We’re both fighting so hard to deny the attraction.” She laughed lightly, and there was a gentle look in her beautiful blue eyes. “You needn’t worry. I’m not going to ask if you love me. Having been raised in that loveless household, how can you possibly understand what it means? But I hope you will grow to understand it in time. I hope one day you’ll say those words to me. Ian, I’ll cherish the moment.”