Dillie paused and gazed up at him. “James was the one who ran onto the ice.”
“So Badger says, but I don’t know if I believe him. Problem is, I don’t remember most of what happened, only that James died and I was blamed for it.”
“You and Nell were on the shore, calling out to James and begging him to come back, but he was determined to catch the dog. The blasted creature finally ran back to Nell. She had just carried him back to your mother and was hurrying back to the pond when your brother suddenly fell through the ice. You were closest and ran out to him, then fell in as well when the ice broke under your feet.”
Dillie felt Ian shudder, couldn’t begin to imagine the anguish he was feeling. He knelt beside her, unmoving and brittle. She felt his composure begin to slip away. She was beginning to unravel as well, her heart lodged in her throat as she imagined what four-year-old Ian must have been thinking and feeling. “You ran to save your brother. I believe it, Ian. This is exactly what you would have done.”
He rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. “James would have done the same for me.”
She nodded, for although she knew almost nothing of James, the brothers had been close. No doubt James was as valiant as Ian, and she felt a sincere tug of regret that she had never known him. More important, she deeply regretted that Ian had lost the only person who had ever loved him. What a horrid family! “Both of you went under, Your Grace. Nell found you first and hauled you out, then jumped back in after your brother.”
Dillie let out a groan as she wiped at the tear rolling down her cheek. She must not have been very quiet, for the next thing she knew, Ian was putting his arms around her and drawing her onto his lap. “I’m trying to be strong, but I feel as though my heart is about to burst and all my feelings about to spill out. Oh, Ian! Nell said you had been holding onto James, but your hands were numb and James was so frightened he kept struggling against you. You were so little! Too little to hold on to him.”
“I remember that part,” Ian said softly, “much the way Badger described it in his letter. By the time Nell reached me, I’d lost hold of James. I recall the struggling. I thought I had been the one frightened and pushing away. The water was deep where James and I had gone under. I blacked out, never remembered Nell hauling me to shore. Never remembered being tossed into my mother’s carriage.”
“Badger writes that your mother remained in her carriage, that she never ran down to the pond to help Nell or her coachman save you boys.” Dillie perused the letter still held in her trembling hands. “And then she wouldn’t give up her fur wrap to warm you and James. Her only concern was for Raggles.” Another tear rolled down her cheek. “The driver and Nell had to give over their cloaks. How can any mother be so callous? I would have—”
“You would have been first in that water.” He stroked his big, warm hand along her back, ran his fingers gently through her hair. “You would have given your life to save your children.”
Still sniffling, she nodded against his chest. “Precious moments lost, you and James suffering from the icy shock, and no help for it until you’d reached the manor house.”
Ian took the letter from her hand and began to read aloud, the rich depth of his voice tremulous as he spoke. “I don’t know if Nell could have saved James. She tried her best, but his body was blue by the time he was stripped and put into his warm bed. One of the footmen had started a fire in the hearth, tossing on enough wood to make a roaring flame. Another footman did the same for you as you lay in your room. Nell knew that you were in better shape and would survive, so she spent most of her time with James.”
He paused and let out a soft oath. “Celestia did nothing but fuss over her damn dog. James was her son and he lay dying. Her greatest worry was that Father would fly into a rage and order Raggles destroyed.”
Ian let out a bitter laugh. “She paid off the coachman and ordered him to leave Edgeware forever. She tried the same with my sister, but Nell would have none of it. When Nell heard your mother lie and blame you for your brother’s death, she tried to tell your father.”
“But he wouldn’t listen,” Dillie said in disgust.
“Celestia had gotten to him first, and my father was an arrogant bastard anyway. He wasn’t the sort to take the word of a lowly nanny, probably believed Nell was covering for her own mistakes.” He rubbed his hand along the back of his neck again. “I don’t know if any of this tale is true, Dillie. I want to believe Badger. If it is true, then he did the right thing in telling me.”