“Coming!” I shout and pull a Nike hoodie over my head. Yoga pants are all I’m going to be able to handle today.
I shuffle to the door and pull it open.
Jess stands in the hallway, looking like a queen, as usual. She must have cut herself off way earlier last night, or else she’s better at holding her liquor. Either way, she looks pristine whereas I look like a troll.
“Come on.” She jerks her head down the hall toward the elevator.
“No way. Look at me.”
“You look fine.”
“I look like shit.”
“We’re going out.”
I sigh. I don’t have the energy to fight her. “Fine.”
I grab my purse and follow her into the hall, locking the door on the first try, which is a damn miracle.
Ten minutes later, I’m seated at a deli down the block. Jess goes to the counter and returns with a tray, which she plops down on the table, then takes the seat opposite me.
“Eat.” She gestures toward the two breakfast sandwiches on my side of the tray. I have no interest in ingesting anything until I unwrap one of them and press my finger against the biscuits. They’re full of grease and bacon.
Nothing could be better in the entire world.
She lets me eat one of them while she eats the first one of hers, and then she folds both her hands on the table. “What happened with Ace?”
The question hits me like a sucker punch, and I struggle to swallow the last bite, staring down at the table.
She gives me three seconds, then follows it up. “Tell me the truth, Care.”
I take in a deep breath. “He—he found out what I do for a living.”
She shakes her head. “The boutique? That’s not a state secret.”
It takes everything I have to meet her eyes. “No.” How do I even admit this without sounding like a terrible person? “I run…I run a gossip website for the wealthiest people in New York. And I make a lot of money from it.”
Jess cocks her head, considering. “Like…a blog?”
“Like a forum. People post on it, and when the rumors seem…when they seem like they could really affect people’s lives, I either confirm or deny them.”
Jess’s eyes light up. “You’re a private investigator?”
I laugh bitterly. “No, but I hire them on occasion. I hired one to find out what Ace’s deal was.”
“Oh, shit.” Jess leans toward me. “And he found out?”
“Long story short, yeah. And he was pissed. Really pissed.” More tears come to my eyes when I think about it, and I wipe them away with a napkin, taking in another big, shuddering breath.
“You were really into him, weren’t you?” Jess’s voice is soft.
“I love him.” I can hardly choke out the words, but there it is. There’s the truth. “I just wanted to be—to be sure that he wasn’t what people were saying.”
“I heard something at the Swan. Murdering his wife?”
“He didn’t do it,” I say as I pick up the second breakfast sandwich and, putting it down, add, “It was a smear campaign by her father. But it’s been all over the website. I wanted to deny it so we could move on. And I could be sure.” The last word comes out pleading, like I’m begging for her to understand.
But I don’t have to beg her. She knows how things have been with the men in my life.
Jess picks up her second sandwich and unwraps it. “He could come around.”
“I don’t think he will.”
“Then he’s not good enough for you, Care.”
“That’s the thing. I’m not good enough for him.”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes.” I can’t look at her. It matters so much.
“You want to be with him?”
“More than all of that. More than…more than anything.”
I look back at her to see her reaction. She gives a little shrug. “So maybe you should have told him. Maybe you went a little too far.” She looks right into my eyes. “If he loves you, he’ll put it behind him. There’s only one way to find out.”
Chapter Forty-Two
Ace
I’m so anxious to be out of my fucking apartment that I go down to the lobby fifteen minutes early, only to realize instantly that it’s a goddamn mistake to leave myself so exposed. Carolyn could show up at any minute, and then what?
It’s the billion-dollar question.
I haven’t been able to sleep since Tuesday. Not really. I toss and turn all fucking night, and when I do slip into a dream, it stars Carolyn. Sometimes I dream of turning my back on her. Sometimes I dream of fucking her. It all hurts just the same.
But I’m determined not to let this pin me down in the apartment and lose myself in shitty TV. I don’t know what makes me feel so damn certain of it, but….