Not once have I accompanied Alec at an appearance.
But Claire carts me all over the tiny country of Saintland, and I take in historical sights, local eateries, and monuments while the staff photographer from Sainthall Palace and other members of the media snap hundreds of pictures and call out questions to me.
I’m Saintland’s Sweetheart. I only wish I was Alec’s sweetheart and not just flaunted as the country’s sweetheart on the cover of the daily newspaper.
Now that my name has been released to the public, they can’t seem to get enough of me. The tabloids are stuffed with stories about Alec and me falling in love, but none of them are true. I laugh with Claire when she reads the most humorous tidbits to me, but with every moment that passes, I feel more disconnected from Alec. I question whether coming to Saintland to be with him was the right choice, and I’m desperate to have freedom and privacy to do what I want, even to wander around Sainthall without being followed by photographers. Even to uproot everything again and start over somewhere new. Yet it’s becoming clear to me now that each time I’ve picked up and moved on, I’ve been running from something—Michael, boredom, something—and not toward something else. I think I’m reaching the point in my life when I want to take a stand.
Is now the right time to do that?
I want to talk about it with Alec. A few times I manage to hint at my unease, but it never seems like the right time for a full-blown, serious discussion.
One day, when he’s almost out the door, I catch hold of his elbow and draw him to me.
He leans down for a kiss, and the feel of his lips against mine reminds me why I’m here in the first place. That unearthly connection we have is still there.
“I need to tell you something,” I say breathlessly, before I lose my nerve.
“What is it?” He looks physically exhausted and worn-out, and there’s an expression clouding his eyes that I can’t decipher.
I want to tell him, “You haven’t been here for me.”
I want to say, “I’m afraid I made the wrong choice.”
I want to ask, “Is there room for me in your life?”
Instead, I say, “I just…I’ve been feeling out of place here.”
“How so?” Alec says, taking my hand in his and clasping it tightly.
“I just wonder if there’s ever going to be…anything I can do… for you or …in Saintland,” I say, trying to choose the right words.
Alec gives me an indulgent smile. “You’re doing so much, Jessica. You don’t have to worry about that.”
“But I never see you, and what I’m doing doesn’t make my heart sing.”
“I just want to be sure that I’m right for you. That what we’re doing is right for you.” I bite my lip, my eyes downcast.
Alec smiles warmly and leans down to kiss me, softly, lightly, on my lips. He takes a few too many seconds to answer my question, and my heart wrenches in my chest. “Of course you’re right for me. I’m just a little pressed for time. I promise you, as soon as this all lets up, I’ll be in your rooms all the time. You won’t be able to get rid of me.”
He kisses my knuckles and turns away, already lost in thought.
I couldn’t help but notice the pause before he answered.
I couldn’t help but notice the flicker of uncertainty in his eyes.
I couldn’t help but notice that, in his hurry to get back to his duties, he forgot to tell me he loved me.
Attending yet another reception that evening, my mood is overshadowed by a dark cloud hanging over me, insistent and heavy. I don’t feel like we’ve reached a resolution, and though there’s an ache in my heart from the powerful love I feel for Alec, I’m not sure that it will be enough anymore.
That I will be enough for him.
That he can be enough for me.
So, even though my hair has been meticulously coifed and my outfit is elegant, thanks to Claire, my mind is a mess.
Which is exactly why, for the first time in my life, I cause an international incident.
The reception is being held in honor of an ambassador from Spain. Claire explained to me that he is notorious for nitpicking etiquette and protocol, so although I will be attending as a guest of the king and crown prince, I must follow every royal code to the letter.
I’m hungry and pissed off at Alec when I arrive, and the doubt is taking over my mind and growing like a cancer in my gut.
Alec introduces me to the ambassador, but as soon as I can safely extricate myself from the conversation, I make a beeline for the refreshment table.
I’m nobody when it comes down to it, and in Saintland, I will always be nobody. I’m just a pretty woman attached to the crown prince’s arm.