“Right, and that’s not how it is?”
“No,” Søren said. “Sometimes you’ve got no idea how your life ended up the way it did, there’s only the end product, E, and the starting point, A, and the rest is unknown. The path between the two points is lost.”
“Søren,” Henrik said gently. “I don’t follow.”
“That’s how I operate,” Søren carried on regardless. “I need to be able to retrace my steps and understand what happened. I want life to be like that!” He slammed his hand on the glove compartment. “But sometimes it isn’t, is it? And do you know what that means?” Søren didn’t wait for Henrik’s reply. “It means not everything is what it seems. Many things are. But not all.”
“I still don’t follow,” Henrik said, amicably.
“It’s okay,” Søren said. “I just need to change my life.”
“You need to talk to someone about . . . about Maja,” Henrik said out of the blue. “You really do.”
Søren nodded. They drove on in silence.
“My parents died when I was five years old,” Søren said suddenly.
“I know. You grew up with Knud and Elvira. I knew that.”
“Yes, yes, of course,” Søren clutched his forehead. “I’m all over the place right now. I really am.”
“You need to talk to someone about Maja,” Henrik repeated. “If it had happened to my daughters, Christ, I couldn’t have sat here today, no way—”
“Do you think it was enough?” Søren interrupted him.
“What do you mean?”
“My parents dying. When I was five. Unexpectedly. Do you think that’s enough to traumatize a child?”
“It depends on the circumstances.” Henrik sounded confused.
“And that’s precisely what I don’t understand,” Søren said in a hoarse voice. “Of course, losing your parents is tragic. But for God’s sake, I can’t even remember them. And Knud and Elvira loved me. I couldn’t have had better parents or a better upbringing and I’m not just saying that.” He looked out of the side window. “And yet it’s as if something inside me is all crumpled up. Completely tangled. I’m scared.”
“What are you scared of?”
“I’m scared of . . . Vibe is like a sister to me, for fuck’s sake!” Søren threw up his hands in despair. “She has been, ever since I met her at that disco. My sister was my girlfriend for seventeen years! I was scared to have children with her. All the things it takes guts to do. . . . When I see Vibe with her big pregnant stomach, I thank God she left me. I would never have been able to forgive myself if she hadn’t had children because of me. She deserves so much better.” An embarrassed silence followed.
“I don’t have real friends, either,” Søren continued. “I’ve got you and Allan. And Vibe and her husband, obviously.”
“What’s wrong with me? I’m a decent enough guy,” Henrik said, looking like he was simultaneously offended and amused.
“Nothing. I can’t complain. But you said it yourself this morning. I don’t trust anyone. I don’t give anything back. You don’t really know me, do you?” Again he threw up his hands. “Plenty of children are orphaned, and some of them go into foster care or are adopted and they turn out fine. I was playing in my grandparents’ garden when the crash happened, and it was the best garden in the world. That I do remember. But I don’t remember them dying, I don’t recall shedding a single tear. Nor have I ever been angry that they died, and I haven’t missed them. Not really. Knud and Elvira were my parents. They were. I can’t see any reason why I’m such a fucking coward.” He paused. Henrik cleared his throat.
“You’ve just done it,” he said eventually.
“Done what?”
“Opened up. Taken a chance.”
“I see my daughter’s face before me all the time,” Søren said. “Suddenly, she’s everywhere. I thought I could get away with it. Can you imagine what it was like lying next to Vibe and not be able to tell her what was really going on? She thought I was upset because we were splitting up. She comforted me and assured me that we would always be friends. She came over with dinner for me, and I kept lying to her.” Søren pressed his fist into his mouth.
“You need to talk to someone,” Henrik said for the third time. Søren looked out of the window. How could he ever have doubted Henrik?