The Difference Between You and Me(57)

“Yeah, the guy Daddy hates.”

Fran smiles ruefully. “Daddy does hate him, yes. Daniel Karp is the guy I was dating when I met Daddy.”

“You met Daddy while you were dating Daniel Karp? So you dated them both at the same time?”

“Not exactly…” Fran winces a little, seems to search the air above her for an explanation. “Not really. Sort of. It was complicated for a while there. Anyway, the point is, I was with Daniel for a couple of years before I even knew Daddy. We met arguing a case—on opposite sides. He was an assistant DA. Right after he lost and my client was acquitted, he came over to shake my hand and asked me out.”

“Whoa.”

“I know. It was ridiculous. And extremely hot.”

“Please don’t say ‘hot.’” Jesse scrunches her shoulders up to her ears and edges away from her mother.

“I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, I’m sorry if Daddy hates to hear me say it, but I’m not going to lie about it: Daniel Karp was hot. That guy was one of the most brilliant litigators I’ve ever seen in action. And he had incredible cheekbones. Also, he was pure evil, but that’s another story.”

“So fine, you’re saying that everyone makes mistakes blah blah blah and I don’t have to feel bad about it and I should just forget I ever met her.”

“No, and please don’t put words into my mouth. I wasn’t going to say you should forget about her, whoever she is. Of course I don’t want you to be in a situation where you have to hide, that’s never going to be okay with me. For that reason alone, I’m glad it’s over. But just being with someone who’s wrong for you isn’t necessarily a mistake. I’m certainly not sorry I was with Daniel, even though we didn’t last and he drove me up a wall every freaking second we were together, because I learned a tremendous amount from being with him. And we were totally into each other, right up until the end, even though we could never really figure out why.”

Jesse sighs. “I just… I just hate feeling so dumb. I know better than to like her. I don’t like her. And I don’t even get to like her anymore. But I just…” Jesse looks down at the floor. “I just like her. It makes me feel like a tool.”

“Once,” Fran says, settling against the worktable and folding her arms, “I knew this kid who very bravely and bossily came out of the closet when she was only fourteen years old. She told me then that we can’t choose who we love. We just love the people we love, no matter what anyone else might want for us. Wasn’t that you?”





17





Emily


Obviously, I made the right decision to put a little distance between me and Jesse. I sort of took my own self by surprise when I said it—I certainly didn’t go into school that morning thinking I was going to tell her we should take a break. But when I saw her there outside the dean’s office, it just popped out of my mouth, and as soon as I said it I knew it was the right thing to do.

Some of the most important things that happen in a person’s life are split-second decisions. Sometimes it’s in those quick moments, when your brain sort of does something without your permission, where you can be the most brave.

Like—ironically—the first time I kissed Jesse. It was an accident, sort of. It happened during Vander Open House Night, which is an evening event for parents and guardians held at the beginning of every year, where your parents or guardians come to school and run through a short version of your schedule and get a chance to meet your teachers and experience a snapshot of your life as a Vander student.

Most kids don’t come to Open House Night—it’s not a student event—but I was there volunteering as a student council representative, and Jesse was there for some other random reason, maybe representing some LGBTQ student group that doesn’t exist anymore? To be honest, I don’t know why she was there, but she was. And during the fake lunch period when all the parents gather in the cafeteria to have school-made snacks while Mr. Greil gives them a talk about the importance of parental involvement, Jesse and I both ended up in the girls’ room in the sophomore hall.

We were the only ones in there. We were standing side by side at the sinks. It was so weird to be in the sophomore hall girls’ room at night. It’s usually so bright and sunny in there, because of the high windows, but the little fluorescent strips that are over the mirrors barely do a thing to light the room when it’s dark, it turns out. We could hardly even see our reflections in the dimness.

We were both looking at ourselves in the mirror, and then we were looking at each other in the mirror.