“You’re quite the sly one,” she says to Jesse, smirking.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about the toner, I just—”
“I’m talking about your clever move: ‘Oh I have to go to the peace vigil, I want to become more politically active.’ You like that girl, don’t you!” Fran grins. “You came to the vigil to get closer to her!”
“Oh my God, no I didn’t!” Jesse howls.
“I love it! It’s the oldest trick in the book! You’re a chip off the old block, if I may say.”
“You’ve got it all wrong, Mother.”
“Or do I have it all right?” Jesse’s mother looks immensely pleased with herself. “Listen, I’m just delighted that, first of all, I figured this out by myself, and second of all, you picked such a fantastic girl to have a crush on. That Esther is enthusiastic, smart, up on current events—she’s a keeper, I can tell.”
“Mom—”
“And you guys obviously make a great team.”
“Mom, start the car.”
Fran turns the engine on but keeps the Camry in park.
“I just want to say for the record,” she says seriously, “that the only thing I want is for you to be happy.”
“I know—”
“No, listen, will you listen to me for once in your life? I know you make jokes about me and Daddy being the oppressor, but you do know that we love and accept you exactly the way you are, don’t you?”
“Yes.” Jesse sighs impatiently.
“We never want you to have to hide anything from us or be secretive about any part of your life. That’s not what we want for you, all right?”
A slow misery works its way through Jesse’s bloodstream. She nods, and looks out the window at Esther’s small blue house, at its darkened windows. It looks like no one is home. She can’t turn back to look at her mother, or she’s afraid she’ll start to cry.
“Anytime you want to bring the girl you like home to meet us, we would absolutely love to have her.”
If I brought home the girl I actually like, Jesse thinks, her heart shrinking at the center of her body, you would be so, so disappointed in me.
“Thanks, Mom,” Jesse says. “I know.”
10
Emily
It was no picnic figuring out how to fit the NorthStar internship into my schedule this late in the semester. I have work at the library on Tuesdays and student council on Wednesdays, and having me home to help prepare family dinner is really important to my mom on Fridays, so those are all non-negotiables, and Mr. Willette wanted me at least two afternoons a week, so I had no choice but to move my Monday Mandarin lessons (thank God Li Feng was flexible) and regretfully resign from Stonington General Hospital’s prestigious and hard-to-get-into Apprentice Nursing Assistant program, which includes a non-negotiable commitment every Thursday.
I so dreaded calling Ms. Cheesewright, who runs the program. I was putting it off and putting it off all weekend, but finally my mom was like, “The longer you wait, the worse it’ll be,” and I was like, You’re so right, and then she was like, “Like pulling off a Band-Aid: quick and firm.” So I gathered all my courage and called Ms. Cheesewright and told her quickly and firmly that very unfortunately something non-negotiable had come up and I had to drop out of Apprentice Nursing Assistants. She was not thrilled to hear it. First she was like, “Emily, are you aware of how positively this program is looked upon by college admissions offices? You’ll be doing yourself a tremendous disservice by not participating,” and I was like, I know but I’m sorry, I very unfortunately have to resign, and then she was like, “Emily, are you aware of how many highly qualified young people applied to this program and were turned down? People who would never dream of giving up a spot midway through the semester?” and I was like, Yes I know and I’m really, really sorry but something non-negotiable has come up and I very unfortunately have to seriously resign.
Afterward I was, like, shaking. For a second, right after I put the phone down, I thought I might throw up. I hate letting people down. It’s my least favorite thing in the world. My mom was so sweet to me about it, though—she made me tea and sat with me on the couch and reminded me that this experience was actually really good practice for me. She said it’s a really important life skill to be able to gracefully tell someone that you can’t do something for them. If you don’t learn how to do it early on, you can get bogged down your whole life doing things for other people that don’t benefit you, just because you feel bad telling them no. She said it’s a thing that women in particular have to struggle with. Later on that night, I found an article on my pillow that she had torn out of O, Oprah’s magazine, that’s all about this problem, how women get trapped in what the article calls “Prisons of Good Intentions” and just endlessly do things for other people instead of doing what’s best for them, and how it ruins their lives and makes them angry, resentful people. That’s certainly not the kind of person I want to be.