“I so want to talk to you about whatever you want to talk to me about?” she promises, hyper-sincere. “But I’m already late coming off break, I have to go back and clock in with Carol. Is it, like, something that can wait for next time? Or maybe you can email me about it?”
“I feel like we can’t do this anymore,” Jesse blurts out, and as soon as she’s said it she feels both relieved and crushed with sadness.
A ripple of something passes through Emily’s face, something strong and violent that Jesse can’t quite identify—panic? terror? rage?—and then it’s gone, dissolved into the shimmering sunshine of her perpetual smile.
“Okay, that’s crazy,” Emily says firmly but lightly. “I know it’s hard right now, but it’s fine, we’re fine.”
“I’m not.” Jesse feels like she’s talking like a caveman—grunts and monosyllables. It’s so hard to get out complete sentences when she’s talking to Emily Miller. What she really wants to say is, It’s not hard right now, it’s always been hard, and it’s never going to get any easier. You’re going to go to this year’s Fall Formal with Mike McDade instead of me, and you’re going to go to next year’s Fall Formal with Mike McDade instead of me, and you’re going to go to college with Mike McDade and get married to Mike McDade and have babies with Mike McDade instead of me, and I’m sorry but I’m not fine about it!
“You are totally fine.” Emily gives her reflection a brisk, final once-over in the mirror, then steps up to Jesse and takes hold of her by the shoulders. “Listen,” she says seriously, looking deep into Jesse’s eyes and reaching up to stroke her jawline with two fingers. “I know this isn’t perfect, I know it’s super complicated, but it’s the best we can do now, right? And I actually think it’s pretty good. We have a really good time together, don’t we?”
Jesse just nods.
“We have an incredible time together, because we’re incredible together. We have something incredible between us, you and me.”
Jesse nods again.
“I mean, it sucks not to see each other more, I miss you all the time and I’m always wishing I could be with you more, but when we do see each other, it’s totally amazing, right?”
Nod.
“Because you’re amazing. You’re not like anyone else I’ve ever known. You’re not like anyone else in the world.”
Jesse rolls her eyes but she can feel herself blushing. The skin where Emily is stroking her tingles under her feathery touch.
“I know I’m really busy and that makes it hard for us to find time to be alone together, but I have to say, I’m not even that upset about it right now, because I have a really good feeling about this fall. I feel like everything is going to work itself out. Really exciting new things are happening, and I just know that everything’s going to change this year.”
“Really?” Jesse can’t help herself. She knows she shouldn’t hear this as Emily saying I’ll be with you for real by the end of this year. She shouldn’t hear her saying I swear I’m going to break up with Mike and make you my girlfriend and take you to prom in the spring. Of course that’s crazy. Of course that’s not what she means. But somewhere in the secret inner fibers of what she’s saying, Jesse feels like maybe… that is what she means?
“Totally.” Emily beams. “I can feel it. This is going to be a big year for everyone. It’s going to be a huge year for Vander. Everything’s going to be different by the time this year’s over.”
Dumb with hope, Jesse smiles, and Emily leans in and kisses her smile. As their lips touch, Jesse feels her whole midsection melt into stars.
In a second it will be over. In two seconds Emily will be saying, Wait at least a minute before you come out after me. In a minute Emily will be gone, and in two minutes Jesse will be trudging downstairs alone, sitting back down next to Wyatt, trying to come up with a plausible explanation for why she was gone for so long. In an hour she’ll be yearning so hard for Emily and feeling so rotten about herself that she’ll be swearing to never see Emily again, swearing that she’s just going to stop showing up for their meetings and not even bother to explain why, just cut off all communication with Emily once and for all, to save the last tiny shreds of her pride.
But for now, in this moment, Emily is still kissing her. Her tongue is alive in Jesse’s mouth, her hands are clasped behind Jesse’s neck, and while it’s happening, it’s eternal. While it’s happening, it will never end.