"Making that choice everyday was the best thing I ever did." He pointed the pen toward the photos on the wall. "That's Nancy."
The realization clicked in Suzie's mind. "She did fall in love with you. You married her, didn't you? And you had a daughter."
Harrison got up and crossed over to the photos. He reached out and touched his daughter's face. Without turning back to Suzie, he asked, "Did Nate tell you how Yasmina died?"
"He said she choked on a piece of apple."
There was a long silence, and Suzie thought Harrison wasn't going to say anything more. He stayed facing away from her, staring at the photo, the pen forgotten by his side.
Then, in a calm voice, he said, "It was my fault." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before he went on. "I'd cut up an apple for her to bring to the park, and I let her grab slices while she was running around." He took another breath. "I was supposed to be watching her, but instead I was talking on my phone. I didn't see her fall over, just happened to look up when she was on the ground. By the time I reached her she was already blue, and instead of squeezing her around the chest, I stuck my finger down her throat. Only managed to push the apple in there more securely."
"But that doesn't mean it's your-"
"Save your breath." He looked around to give her an apologetic smile and his eyes were glistening. "Not that I don't appreciate it, but I've heard it a thousand times. Nate keeps telling me I have to put it behind me. But he's always been stronger than I am."
"No apologies, no regrets," she said softly.
Harrison's lips twitched. "His motto. A typical Nate, all-or-nothing ultimatum. Dreamed up for my benefit, no doubt, to try to snap me out of what I'm sure he told you was a long period of self-destruction. But how could I ever stop feeling guilty for all the things I did wrong that day?"
She wanted to tell him he couldn't keep beating himself up for it either, but the words would be meaningless. If after all these years he hadn't been able to find a way to forgive himself, nothing she could say would make the slightest difference. Nate's motto might sound harsh, but she could understand it. Just from looking at Harrison, it was clear how badly his guilt had eroded him.
"Do you know Nate's decided he doesn't want to have kids?" she asked.
"He has?" Harrison stuck the pen in his pocket and wiped his eyes. "I get so wrapped up in my own pain, I forget how hard Yasmina's death was on him. He doted on her. And when she died, he was destroyed too. He was just better at hiding it than I was."
"It's not the fact he doesn't want children that worries me. It's his need to shut himself off from pain." She took a breath, wondering if she should be saying all this to Nate's brother. But if she didn't say it to someone she was going to go crazy. "He told me he's never had a serious girlfriend. Apparently relationships aren't worth it without some kind of cast iron guarantee that it'll turn out okay. If he's that afraid of getting hurt, what chance is there that he'll really open up? Won't there always be a part of himself that he holds back?" She sighed. "The other stuff - the certainty that he's right, the way he's so single-minded about what he wants - that stuff I can live with. But I can't be with a man who won't let himself be vulnerable."
"I guess we both have our scars." Harrison sounded thoughtful. "I didn't know how deep his ran, but I should have been looking more closely."
"You've both had a rough time."
"And that's exactly why he deserves some happiness." Harrison's mouth twisted. "If the freakin' idiot can stop sabotaging it, maybe he'll work that out."
"There are just too many reasons why we shouldn't be together." Suzie sighed. "If it was just the fact that I feel like a failure, maybe I could sort myself out and we'd have a chance. But Nate has his baggage too."
He gave a low, humorless laugh. "At least you're less of a screw-up than I am."
"Harrison, I don't think you're-"
He waved her objection away. "We can be pretty hard on ourselves, can't we? So maybe you should let up a little and ask yourself whether you're as much of a failure as you think. Because when I look at you, I don't see a failure at all. In fact, what I'm thinking right now is how bright you are, how easy you are to talk to, and how Nate would have to be a complete moron to let you go."
Suzie's face heated and she couldn't help but smile. "I think charm must run in your family."
Harrison went back to his chair and sat down. "If you can get past the fact that Nate's obviously an idiot when it comes to relationships, and with everything else he's too smart for his own good, you should give him a chance. He worked his ass off to do everything he could to help me. I think he hated the fact he couldn't take me apart and repair me like a computer. Nate can't stand feeling helpless."
"I noticed." She rolled her eyes. "He has to be the best at everything."
"He can't help it, that's the way he was made. Besides, you can't exactly criticize him for being naturally smart and talented." He grinned. "At least, not until you get in line behind me."
"It sounds like a crazy reason not to be with someone, I know. But I can't help how I feel." She gave him an appreciative smile. "And you're the one person I knew would understand."
"I get it, for sure. But I've got to tell you, underneath it all, he's a pretty great guy. And I'm not just saying that because he's my brother. Since the day Yasmina died, Nate's paid all my bills and never said a word about it. He wanted to buy me a house, too, but I was set on staying here." Harrison rubbed one hand over his grey hair, making it stick up like a mad professor's. "Plus he called me every single day for years, which is pretty much the reason I didn't do anything crazy. I was messed up for a long time. Nate got me through it."
She reached over and covered his hand with hers. "I'm glad he did. And thank you for talking to me. It's helped."
He shrugged, looking embarrassed. "Actually, it feels good to talk. I've kept it all bottled up for too long."
Suzie glanced at her watch. "I'm sorry this has to be a quick visit, but I'd better go."
"Come back anytime."
"I will." She stood up. "I wouldn't rush off, but I've left my dog in the car. Not to mention that I'm catering a wedding tomorrow, and I still have to buy the ingredients for the dishes I'm going to make."
As he walked her to the door, he said, "Your wedding's tomorrow? Isn't that leaving the shopping a little late?"
"Yeah, because I had a disaster in the kitchen." She grimaced. "I messed up again."
"At least this way you know the food's going to be fresh."
She hugged him goodbye and promised to visit again soon. But as she drove away, she wasn't thinking about him, but about the last thing he'd said. Had the calamari she'd cooked for Marianna been fresh? She'd bought it at the fish shop, but it had been packed in plastic, so who knew how long it had been sitting around? On the yacht, she'd reeled in the squid just hours before they'd eaten it.
If she could find some squid that had just been caught, maybe it would turn out as tender and tasty as it had been on the yacht.
Suzie drove slowly, thinking hard. She could spend the rest of the day scouring LA for fresh squid, or she could buy more butter and flour and make the pastry for the mini quiches. Her budget for the wedding would either cover the ingredients for Marianna's recipes, or her own. Not both.
Buying more squid and trusting it to come out okay was risky. If she made the mini quiches, she knew what the outcome would be. If she took a chance on the squid, who knew what might happen? It could be a disaster and get her fired. Or it might be good enough for Marianna to start taking her ideas into account for the next menu. She could start making a name for herself and gathering recommendations for when she started her own business.
Whether she got an Ace or a Joker, at least she'd be drawing a card.
Nate had turned down fifty-five million dollars so he could back himself instead. Was this how he felt when he put it all on the line?
Screw it.
Heart pounding like mad, she pressed down the accelerator. Forget the flour. She'd try the docks and warehouses first. If they didn't have any squid, she'd damn well go out and catch some herself.
21
Nate sat at his breakfast bar with an untouched plate of cereal in front of him. His laptop was sitting open next to his breakfast, but instead of preparing for the meeting he was due at in less than an hour, he kept staring out the window at all the cars and pedestrians bustling below.
They looked tiny. So many people, so far away. But up here in his state-of-the-art penthouse apartment, he couldn't hear a thing. In here was the kind of silence that seeped under his skin and into his bones. Last night it had been so bad that even putting on music or switching on a movie couldn't keep it at bay. His temperature-controlled apartment had felt both icy cold, and achingly lonely.