“I'm sorry,” he said softly. Those words rang so loudly inside his silent car, piercing my soul. I didn’t want his pity; I didn’t want him to be sorry.
I pushed myself from him, jumped out of the car, and ran inside.
I kicked off my shoes and headed to the bathroom upstairs. I turned on the water and splashed my face. I took the towel and bit into it as I stifled yet another cry. My tears fell as I remembered the day we had buried my mother. I remembered the smell of those fucking lilies as they sent wreath after wreath. I remembered her funeral and all her friends sending their condolences to our family. I remembered Sofia holding me tightly by the hand, afraid of everyone around her, as she snuck behind me, trying desperately to hide. She hated the attention and so did I. I hated the look of pity and sadness as they all looked at us. At night, Sofia kept asking for Mom in her sleep, calling out to her constantly. It took months of me holding her in my arms for her to finally sleep normally. I did this to them, to all of us.
I finally composed myself and took a shower, washing away the day’s events. I slowly eased into my room and lay on my bed. My phone glowed and I picked it up.
Daimon:Goodnight Addie
YALE
It was time for Sofia to leave for Yale. She hardly spoke to me, busying herself with getting things ready. I was afraid she was angry with me for pushing this on her, but her future was bright and I didn’t want to see the light which surrounded her turn black. Sofia was really smart, the world would be at her feet and so would any man.
I had made my dad stay home with her so they could spend time together. The moment I entered the house I could hear them laughing and talking. It was sad, but it was also a good thing. I smiled happily as I entered the house, even though my heart was silently breaking, knowing my little sister I helped raise was moving on with her life.
“There you are, we’ve been waiting,” Sofia said as she got up from her seat and walked over to me to help me with my things. I laughed because this wasn’t the normal Sofia I knew. “Dad and I chose a movie to watch, so we waited for you,” she smiled.
“Which one?” I asked as I headed to the armchair.
“The Good, The Bad and The Ugly,” my father said as he watched me sit.
“Good choice,” I murmured as I got comfortable.
We laughed as we watched the movie. Well, I laughed the most as I watched Sofia and my dad take turns saying Clint Eastwood’s lines out loud. It was us trying our best to create some more memories. It was bittersweet, but I was happy she had finally caved in and wanted to go. I knew we’d see her on holidays and she’d Skype us all the time, or so I hoped. Life tends to take over and I was worried we’d lose her to the new life she was building.
Daimon never contacted me after that day. I was happy he didn’t, but there was a small part of me which felt like things were still unresolved somehow. It was that part of me that wanted to see him, but I pushed it back and ignored its gnawing existence.
When I went to the bank to wire the money to the school, I saw Daimon had put all the money we had discussed into my account. Even the bonus he said I earned. That little gnawing feeling came up, wanting to thank him. I earned it, maybe not to the fullest amount, but I did play the part of his girlfriend as best as I could. He knew how much I hated him, so why was my mind constantly on that kiss?
It bothered me how much I fought to not tell him everything and in one split second; I bared myself completely to him. I laid bare all that I was, exposing my most inner thoughts and remorse. He saw the sadness I carried and it irritated me. Why was he always looking at me? Why was he able to gut me and fish out all that I tried desperately to hide?
The detective who was handling my case had called me and told me Frank was being sent to prison again. I was elated only because I worried what he would do to my family or me. I had asked about Daimon, saying I wanted to know if my boyfriend was being charged, but he couldn’t really say anything else to me. I sat back wondering if maybe Frank going to prison wasn’t Daimon’s doing, but then again Frank did break his probation. I really didn’t want to owe Daimon anything; plus, I seriously didn’t want him to be involved in my pile of shit as I called it. Either way, I was grateful he was there that night and helped me with Frank.
“Tell me again why you want to leave so early in the morning?” I asked as I stood outside in front of the rental car Sofia had ordered a few days ago. It was stuffed with her boxes and clothes.
“Because this way I get to see both of you before I go,” she said, smiling.
The sun had barely started to rise over the horizon. Dawn was upon us as we stood waiting for my father to come out.