The Debt & the Doormat(80)

‘What the FUCK do you think you’re doing spreading lies about me?’ he shouts outraged, pure hostile anger in his eyes.

I’ve never been so scared in all of my life. My whole body starts trembling and goes cold, apart from the throbbing of my arm.

‘It's not what it looks like. It’s - ’

‘Really? Because it looks like you’re trying to make me look like a dick,’ he spits.

‘No! I never meant it to end like that. I just didn’t want you with that bitch Tabitha and so – ‘

‘And so you made up a lie,’ he growls.

I flinch back from the disgust in his voice.

‘Yes. Look, obviously now I know it was stupid, but I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.’ My voice is merely a squeak.

‘Sorry! Sorry for what exactly? For ruining things with Tabitha? Or for spreading lies around the new company I’m working for? Or for making me look like a complete dick in front of all of those people?’ His tone cuts through me, raising a lump in my throat.

‘Um...all of it! I’m sorry, ok!’ I cry back.

‘You know what,’ he says, his lip curling up in disgust, ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ever thought you were different to all the other bitches out there. You’re just as bad as my ex-girlfriend, although at least she was more honest and upfront with it. What you’ve done is so sneaky and premeditated...it actually makes me sick.’

I’m stunned into silence. My throat starts to close and my chest is tightening.

‘But, I didn’t mean to – ‘

‘I’m not fucking interested Poppy! Our friendship, or...whatever the fuck we were pretending to do – it's over,’ his low voice cold.

He punches the door open and goes back into the reception.

I collapse onto the floor, the dull aching thud on my chest almost suffocating me. Tears start falling thick and fast as my throat starts to close up, it overwhelming me. I run to the toilets just in time to throw up.





Chapter 30




There’s really nothing like crying on the tube wearing a ball gown.

‘Hey lady. You get stood up? I could take you out,’ a teenage boy and his friends bellow from across the carriage, smirking. Judging me.

‘Oh just fuck off!’ I scream.

Not my finest hour.

I run home from the station, too upset and impatient to wait for a cab, still crying and throw as many clothes as I can into a bag.

‘Poppy? What's wrong?’ Izzy says, coming into the bedroom. ‘Why are you back so early?’

‘Because I fucked up!’ I shout through the snot and tears.

‘Why? What happened?’ she asks, alarmed.

‘I can't talk about it,’ I say as I push past her.

* * *





When I finally get to the flat I knock on the door lightly, my body feeling weak from emotion.

Jazz opens the door wearing my Minnie Mouse pyjamas, clearly not expecting company.

‘Hey Pops. What you doing here?’ Her eyes wrinkle in confusion.

I want to answer, to tell her everything, but the only sound I can make is one of a kicked kitten.

‘Oh Pops! What's wrong? Come in.’

She guides me into the sitting room and I sit down on the sofa, the chiffon material of the dress making a funny noise. It's the only sound in the awkward silence.

‘Tea?’ she asks smiling sympathetically.

I just nod. I feel so numb, so...nothing.

She returns a few minutes later with two cups of tea and a tray of kit kats and hob nobs.

‘Here – drink it,’ she says, offering it to me.

I take three large mouthfuls of tea and then stuff half a kit kat in my mouth.

‘Better?’

‘Mmm,’ is all I can manage.

‘So...are you gonna tell me what happened?’ She tilts her head to one side, her eyes curious.

‘I fucked up,’ I say in a strangled voice, exhaling a big breath.

‘Babe, I’m gonna need a little more description than that. You just turned up at half ten in a ball gown.’

‘I’m too exhausted to even tell you.’

I realise that the tears are no longer running down my face. I’m numb.

‘Please?’ she begs.

‘I...oh God, I can't even bring myself to say it.’ I take a deep breath and try again. ‘I did something really stupid and now Ryan hates me.’

‘Well...what did you do?’

‘I kind of....I sort of...told everyone he was gay,’ I admit reluctantly.

‘WHAT?’

I look up at her, ready for a lecture but she’s already broken into a laugh.

‘It's not funny!’ I protest, suddenly feeling that I may also break into fits of hysteria.

‘Sorry, but it kind of is! You told everyone he was gay and they believed you! So funny,’ she says, doubling over again.

‘I hate myself,’ I say, suddenly too embarrassed to look at her.

‘So...why did you tell them that anyway?’

‘Well, he was going out with that Tabitha girl and she was horrible. And she was about to seduce him and then it just kind of came out.’

‘Oh, I see!’ She bites her lip to try and hide her smile. ‘You didn’t want this Tabitha girl around and that's why you lied.’

‘Well, she was just so horrible and I couldn’t bear for him to go out with her.’ I put my head in my hands.

‘Because you’re so in love with him,’ she states as if it's fact.

‘No I’m not!’

‘Oh really? So it had absolutely nothing to do with him?’

‘Well...I just didn’t want him to go out with a bitch, which she so obviously was.’

‘OK Pops. You can lie to me if it makes you feel better.’

‘Oh God! Then tonight he found out and went mental and told me whatever was going on between us is over.’

‘Yeah, but he’ll calm down eventually,’ she says, taking a sip of her tea, as if it's no big deal.

‘No, he really won't, Jazz. You didn’t see him. I’ve never seen him like that before. He actually scared me.’ I shiver at the memory.

‘Oh.’

‘And the worst thing is that it's all my fault. And the way he said “whatever it is we had going on” it just sort of proved that I wasn’t imagining something. There was something between us.’

‘Yeah, no shit Sherlock.’

‘And it's all ruined because of me. Everyone at his work thinks he’s gay, it’s awful.’

The tears start falling down my face again and my body begins to tremble.

‘Oh babe, don't get yourself upset.’

My lips wobble as I try and speak. I can't breathe again. The grief is coming over me again and this time I’m letting it. I actually want to be miserable. I want it to engulf me. I lay down on the sofa and close my eyes.

‘And now I’ve ruined your life,’ I continue. ‘You won’t be able to pay off your debt now.’

‘Babe, don’t worry about it,’ she sighs, sympathetically.

‘How can I not? I’m ruining everyone’s lives.’

‘Well…’ she pouts, as if considering whether to tell me. ‘The truth is that my debt is paid off. My mum caved and bailed me out.’

‘What?’

I don’t understand. Why on earth would she still be living here if she didn’t have to?

‘I didn’t want to tell you because you were almost fully back to your old self again.’

I break down into more tears. Even my best friend thinks I’m pathetic.

‘It's funny,’ Jazz says, as she wraps me with a blanket and begins stroking my hair ‘who would have thought a month ago that I’d be the sensitive shoulder to cry on and you’d be the lunatic.’

* * *





‘Did he call?’ I say as soon as I get in a few nights later.

‘No...Sorry chick,’ she says, her head tilted to one side in sympathy as she brings over a cup of tea.

This has been our new set routine since me moving back in. I rush home desperate to find out if he’s called, only to be told he hasn’t, and then Jazz makes me tea and biscuits. I have a little cry and then go to bed.

‘But someone else called for you,’ she says, not meeting my eye.

‘Really, who?’ I ask uninterested.

Probably just my mum reminding me about the wedding for the hundredth time.

‘I’m not sure if I should tell you,’ she says, dunking a hob nob into her tea, avoiding my gaze.

‘Why? Jazz, who called?’

‘OK, but promise not to get mad.’

Who the hell could it be?

She takes a big deep breath. ‘It was Stuart.’

‘Stuart?’

‘Yep,’ she nods.

‘Why the fuck did he call me?’ I say, anger bubbling up inside me.

What the hell does that twat want?

‘He says he desperately wants to speak to you and for you to call him back.’

‘But what for?’

‘I don't know, but he sounded pretty desperate.’

‘Great. I’m desperate for Ryan to call and instead I get that twat hounding me. I wonder what he wants.’

‘Dunno. Maybe you should call him and find out.’

‘Ha! I don't think so. I’m depressed enough, let alone having him put me down.’

‘OK?, don't bite my head off!’

‘Sorry! I know I’m being a bitch. I just....oh God, I just wish life were more simple, you know.’

‘Trust me I know.’

‘It's like, when you’re growing up you dream of marrying a prince and being a stupid nurse or whatever but no-one ever stops you and tells you not to dream so big. That you might not be a nurse because there are too many qualifications and you can't be bothered. Or that you might not find a prince. Or you might find him and you might tell his whole office he’s gay. Do you know what I mean?’