‘All of your hobbies? Do you mean sitting in your pants and scratching your balls while watching Deal or No Deal?’ Karen retorts.
Mortification floods over his face and his bottom lip starts to wobble. Awkward silence fills the table and everyone looks away, as if to pretend we didn’t just witness it.
A knock on the door makes us all look up.
‘I’ll get it!’ Lilly shouts, running as fast as she can inside before someone else can beat her to it.
‘Well maybe that was the one thing I had left to look forward to in my life. I mean, it's not like we even have sex anymore!’
Wow. One point to Ralf. Jazz stares at me, willing me to say something. I instead decide to run for it.
‘I’m gonna go lie down for a while.’ I head for the gazebo, ignoring Jazz’s look which pleads with me not to leave her.
I throw off my flip flops and lay under it, staring up at the twinkle lights that I’ve set into it. It really does look fantastic. Maybe I should be an interior designer. But I’m not sure if I could do all of the fake ‘hi darling, mwah, mwah’ crap. Thank God it's quieter down here. Karen and Ralf’s argument seems like only a buzz of light conversation from here.
‘You did a great job,’ Ryan says, suddenly appearing.
I jump and try to regain my composure as he lies down next to me.
‘Oh thanks.’ I turn to face him, feeling the same electric atmosphere which is always charging between us.
‘I mean, I suppose you felt guilty for getting me shot,’ he smirks.
What an ungrateful little shit head. I’m here landscaping his garden like some kind of pathetic wife, while Grace swans around pressing her boobs against him and I’m just supposed to let him treat me like shit? Is he for real!? Anger bubbles up inside me. How dare he treat me like this and think he can get away with it. Who does he think he is?
‘You know what? I’ve had enough of you being rude to me. So what, I might have somehow...in a roundabout way, got you shot. But I mean, I didn’t pull the bloody trigger! I didn’t force you to intervene! In fact, I think I was the one trying to stop you. But, oh no! You had to act like a stupid hero and nearly get yourself killed. Well, did you think about me? Did you think about your Grandma? Of course not! You were thinking of yourself!’ I almost scream.
I sit back, shocked by my own outburst, still panting from the rant. I suddenly feel very self-conscious as he stares at me, a blank look on his face.
‘I was going to say that you didn’t need to though. I already forgave you,’ he smirks.
‘You’re....so full of yourself,’ I exclaim, exhaling sharply. ‘Could this not just be me wanting to give you all a nice garden?’
He looks at me for a moment, trying to figure me out. I start to feel sick. He’s just so close.
‘No. I’m pretty sure it was because you felt guilty,’ he grins.
‘Ok, OK. Maybe it was a little bit.’ I laugh and tickle him lightly on his stomach.
God, its firm.
‘You know I’m not ticklish,’ he says, looking at me disapprovingly.
‘Really? I thought everyone was?’
‘No. Not me,’ he says, shaking his head, as if it be ridiculous to think someone as strong as him could have any weakness.
‘Wait. Does that mean you are?’ A mischievous smile spreads over his face.
‘Er...no,’ I say, my body tensing.
‘Really? Maybe I should check.’ He leans in, his hand reaching towards me.
‘No!’ I scream, tensing my body and attempting to make a run for it.
But it's too late. He throws me back on the duvet and his fingers caress the skin on the side of my stomach, having the same effect as a feather duster. Oh my God, I’ve forgotten the pain of being tickled. It's unbearable.
‘Stop! Please stop!’ I shout between giggles.
Why do I always giggle when I’m being tickled? It's not even funny – it's agony!
‘What do you say?’ he says, climbing over me, his legs straddling me.
If we were in a normal situation then I’d be having heart failure at him on top of me, but the tickling is too much. I’m using all of my mental energy not to pee my pants. Please don't pee your pants!
‘What? What!?’ I shout as I writhe in torment underneath him, hitting him in the chest and trying to grab his hands away from me.
‘You say,’ he pins my arms over my head, ‘Ryan, you are amazing. You are the king of the castle.’
‘Don't be ridiculous,’ I laugh.
I kick my legs, in a desperate hope to hurt him or get him off me, but he’s just so strong. I’m helpless against him.
‘Well then,’ he says, tickling me with his left hand, while still managing to pin me down with the other. ‘Shall we see if you’re ticklish under your arms?’
He brushes his hands against my arm pit and my skin tingles so much I’m sure it's going to burst.
‘Seriously! I’m going to pee myself! Please!’ I plead.
‘Just a few little words,’ he whispers in my face, so close I can feel his breath on mine.
‘Never!’ I shout, playing along, suddenly aware that I don't really want him off me.
I mean, sure I might be in agony. But Ryan is on top of me, not letting me go and touching me all over. It could definitely be worse.
‘Fine. Then you’ll eat some grass too.’ He rips some out of the ground and starts trying to stuff it in my mouth. I wriggle my head around and lock my mouth shut. He won't be able to get it in. Not if I can help it.
‘Open wide,’ he says, plugging my nose shut with his hand.
I hold my breath for as long as I can, my own stubbornness willing me on, but even I can't hold it forever. I eventually breathe out and as I quickly inhale again he stuffs grass in my mouth. I spit it out, the taste of mud making me heave. Before I can take another breath his hands are tickling me again, leaving me laughing hysterically.
‘OK, stop! Ryan’s the king! You’re the king!’ I almost scream.
‘The king of what?’ he says, leaning in, clearly enjoying my pain.
‘The king of the castle!’ I say still writhing.
‘There we go. That wasn’t so hard was it?’ he whispers into my ear. He’s so close it makes me shiver. He leans back laughing, his eyes warm.
‘Can you let me go now?’ I ask. I try to act genuinely annoyed, but the truth is that I could stay here forever.
‘Of course Princess.’ He releases my hands but stays on top of me, grinning mischievously.
‘Oh I’ll move, shall I?’ I say sarcastically while I slide underneath his crotch. I try to stand up but fall back, realising my hairs caught on something.
‘Ah!’ I whine as I try and tug it.
‘What?’ he says, moving away, not getting it. I move with him.
‘My hair. It's attached to you or something,’ I say, my head still down against the duvet.
‘Oh my God,’ he says, laughing wildly.
‘What? What am I attached to?’
‘You’re...’ he breaks into a heavy chuckle. ‘You’re attached to my zipper.’
‘What?’
‘Come on, stand up,’ he says, trying to compose himself. He stands up and I try to, but I can only stay on my knees.
‘Hey guys, are you...oh, sorry,’ Izzy says, walking up to us. ‘I didn’t realise I was interrupting something.’ She turns to leave.
‘You’re not, you idiot! Help me,’ I shriek. It's like I can feel each individual hair being broken.
‘Help you?’
Ryan’s laughing so hard now I think he might wet himself. I might have to punch him in the face.
‘My hair’s caught in his zipper!’
‘Oh,’ she says, giggling nervously. I feel her tiny hands try to unpick it from the zipper.
‘Any luck?’
‘No. I can't get it out,’ she says tutting, frustrated.
‘Don't worry. I’ve got some scissors in my bedroom,’ Ryan says, taking my hands and trying to help me stand up. I still have to crouch over, my head in his crotch.
‘Scissors! You are not cutting my hair!’ I wail, panicked. He ignores me, already walking towards the house. I trail after him.
‘Wow. You guys don't waste any time, do you,’ I hear Ralf say as we pass him.
‘What can I say? They flock to me,’ Ryan says arrogantly.
God I want to smash him in the face.
‘I wish I had that luck,’ Ralf scoffs.
‘Maybe he takes the upper hand in the bedroom. Nice to see how a real man operates,’ Karen snaps.
‘Nearly there,’ Ryan says, as we awkwardly go up the stairs, one step at a time.
‘You are not cutting my hair. Do you understand? Not cutting it,’ I shriek.
‘OK princess. Chill,’ he says patronisingly.
Oh God. Images of me walking around with a small bald patch flash through my head. And I really don't suit hats.
He opens his bedroom door and the scene in front of me is so terrifying I can't even put it into words properly. Let’s just say that it must have been Alex at the door. And Lilly and Alex have been, hmmm, making up. Making up hard. On Ryan’s bed.
‘Aaaahhh!’ I scream in horror.
Ryan swivels round to me, his face as horrified as mine, but in the panic, falls over onto the floor. I go with him, my hair being ripped out in lumps.
‘Shit!’ Lilly screams, wrapping the duvet around her. Alex falls out of the bed, his naked body far too close to me to mention.