The Debt & the Doormat(73)

But I’ve stopped listening to her. I’m already running towards the lifts.





‘Ryan Davis? He came in here with a gunshot wound?’

The nurse looks back at me blankly. ‘I’ll try and find out’ she says, disappearing.

I grab another nurse as she walks past.

‘Please! I’m trying to find Ryan Davis. He’s been admitted for a gunshot wound?’

‘I’ll try and find out for you,’ she says, also disappearing.

You know what, fuck this. I’ll find him myself! I wander around the rooms, sticking my head round the curtains. I manage to find everything but him - a fat naked man, a nurse and patient making out, but not Ryan. Where the hell is he?

I go into another room with two empty beds and sit down on one. This is useless. I’ll never find him. I throw myself back on the bed, tears escaping thick and fast and cradle a blanket or something to my face. Actually, it smells. I sit up and hold it away from me to see what it is. Damn NHS. It's probably a blood stained cloth that they’ve left here. But it's not. It's Ryan’s bloody t-shirt. Well, a bit of it anyway. It's been cut in half.

But where is he? The bed’s empty. A sickening feeling creeps over my entire body. It's like it knows something bad is coming. Oh God. I want so desperately to know if I’m right. Because the pain of not knowing is killing me. Nerves appear in my stomach, intuitions way of telling me I’m right. It's true.

A nurse walks round the corner and I grab her.

‘Tell me it's not true,’ I beg. ‘Tell me!’

She looks awkward and apologetic. She stands back.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she says, dropping her head to the floor.

‘Sorry? Sorry for what?’ I want to hear her say the words. ‘Is he...dead?’

‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’

OH. MY. GOD. He’s dead.

The shock blinds me for a moment and I pray I’ve misunderstood. It must be wrong. She must be wrong. But I know. I know it's true. It's happened and there's nothing I can do about it. My throat starts to close and my chest tightens. A dull aching thud appears on my chest, suffocating me. My throat is being strangled. Strangled by grief.

Breathe, Poppy. Breathe. But all that comes out is a noise. A weak little noise, almost a silent sob. The tears start falling down my face and my whole body begins to tremble. My lips are wobbling and my whole body starts to convulse as the sobs come thick and fast. I’m sobbing so hard and so fast I can't breathe. But I don't want to breathe. I want to die.

‘No!’ I scream hysterical as I fall to the floor.

I sob so hard that I heave. I’m going to vomit. Grief is taking over me. Intense grief, taking over my entire body, making me heave. I want to be sick. I want to feel the pain I’m feeling. I want to wallow in my own sadness. I want to die.

‘Rachel? Is everything OK?’

I look up and see the red head Irish nurse from earlier.

‘She’s just upset, Ann. Let her be,’ she says, ushering her out of the room.

‘Let her be? Why?’

‘She’s just lost her husband.’

‘No she hasn’t’ she says, shaking her head at her.

‘Yes she has’. She turns to me on the floor. ‘You’re Mrs Walsh aren’t you?’

‘Mrs Walsh? No. I’m here for Ryan Davis,’ I say in between sobs.

‘Oops! Wrong room! So sorry.’ She turns and runs from the room.

‘Wrong room?’ I say at the Irish nurse. ‘You mean...he’s not dead?’

‘No dear. He’s in the next room. Come on.’ She lifts me up from the floor, my legs like jelly. ‘I’ll take you to him.’





When I walk in the room he’s sitting up in bed in a horrible hospital gown with Jazz next to him.

‘Ryan!’ I run over to him, practically throwing myself on the bed.

‘What took you so long?’ Jazz says, looking at me wildly.

‘They...they told me you were dead!’ I shout, snot still running down my face.

‘You’re joking!’ she says. ‘You should sue!’

But I’m not listening.

‘Ryan, are you OK?’ He still has a face as white as a sheet.

‘I’m fine,’ he says, looking away annoyed.

‘What happened? Have they operated on you?’ I look around for a nurse.

‘Excuse me, nurse! When the hell is he going to be operated on?’ I shout frantically.

‘Poppy, I’m fine. I don't need an operation. It just grazed the top of my shoulder. The bleedings stopped and they’ve just put a bandage over it.’

‘A bandage? But...you’ve been shot.’

‘Poppy, I’m fine.’

‘I’m going to speak to a doctor.’ I leave the room and grab a nurse.

‘Excuse me, but I want to speak to you about Ryan Davis’s injury.’

‘I’ll send a doctor out to you.’

I wait around tapping my foot. I mean, what the hell do I pay my taxes for if a doctor can't even see me and tell me what's going on with him?

‘Ah, are you Ryan’s fiancée?’ an Indian doctor says to me.

‘Yes,’ I say trying to act smug. That's how engaged people act isn’t it?

‘Well, Ryan’s been very lucky. The bullet just grazed the top of his shoulder. We don't need surgery and we’ve managed to stop the bleeding. He can go home in the morning.’

‘Oh thank God.’ A big sigh of relief escapes my lips.

‘No problem,’ he smiles.

‘Is there anything else I can help you with?’

I consider telling him about his thick nurse that told me Ryan was dead, but then I decide to leave it. Karma and all that. It's probably good karma that he didn’t die if you think of it!

* * *





‘Well, I’ve spoken to Grams and she’s going to get here as soon as she can,’ I say when I go back into the room.

‘What?’ he says, looking up disgusted.

‘What?’

‘You called my Grandma?’

‘Yeah,’ I say in a quiet voice. ‘Was I…not supposed to?’

‘No, no. You go ahead and call my eighty year old grandmother and give her a heart attack. I’m sure she’ll be fine.’

‘Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.’

‘That's your problem Poppy. You don't think.’ He glares at me thoroughly pissed off.

‘What?’ I’m suddenly very aware of Jazz being here.

‘Yeah, it was you that got me in this whole fucking mess. If you wouldn’t have started the fight with the drunk, I wouldn’t have had to lie, I wouldn’t have been in the paper and I wouldn’t have been shot.’

‘I’m...I’m sorry.’

‘Ryan that is some kind of twisted logic. I mean, Poppy didn’t know this was gonna happen.’

I look at Jazz and smile. Thank God someone is sticking up for me.

‘Oh whatever,’ he says, looking away. ‘I’d like to be left alone now. It's late.’

‘OK. Well, we’ll see you soon then,’ Jazz says.

He ignores us. We walk awkwardly out into the hall by the lift.

‘Come on, let’s go,’ Jazz says, taking my arm. ‘You’ve had a pretty rough night.’

‘No. I have to wait for his Grandma.’

‘Are you sure? You don't have to feel responsible for this you know?’

‘I know. But I do.’

She kisses me goodbye and I wander back towards his bed and sit down next to him. His eyes are closed and his head is rolled to the side but I’m sure he’s faking.

‘Are you asleep?’ I whisper, just in case I’m wrong.

‘Yes.’

‘OK.’

‘Don't speak to me,’ he growls, still with his eyes closed.

* * *





A hand on my shoulder wakes me up.

‘Poppy, dear.’

I look up to see his Grandma and realise that I’ve fallen asleep leant over his bed. Ah, my back aches. I look at Ryan and he’s still sleeping peacefully. I glance at my clock and realise its 6am.

I put my finger up to my lips to signal to be quiet around him.

‘Let’s talk outside,’ she whispers.

I follow her out, feeling a slight sting on my leg as I walk around the bed.

‘Don't worry. He’s totally fine. The bullet just grazed him.’

‘I know dear. I spoke to one of the nurses. What I’m more interested in is that she says you’re his fiancée?’

‘Oh, shit. Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to say shit. Oh god, I just said it again!’

‘Calm yourself darling.’

I take a deep breath and try to chill out. ‘I’m not his fiancée. But I just had to see him and...It’s all my fault anyway...and...’

‘And your leg’s bleeding,’ she says, looking down.

‘What?’

I look down and sure enough dark red blood is dripping down my leg.

‘How the hell?’

I follow the small trickle of blood back to the bed and find that I’ve caught it on a bit of rusty bed.

‘Nurse!’ Grams says, grabbing the Irish one. ‘She just caught her leg.’

‘Not another one,’ she sighs. ‘Sorry love, but you’ll need a tetanus.’

I break into pathetic heavy sobs.

‘Come on love. I’ll come with you. We’ll get a tea and you can tell me all about it.’





Chapter 28




The next morning it's full action stations. We’ve decided to surprise Ryan with a made over garden. It's the bloody least I could do after nearly getting him killed.