We take our seats at a quiet table in the corner, next to a giant painting of a naked fat woman. It strikes me as strange as to why a restaurant would put a painting like that up. Any woman looking at it would immediately fear of ordering a side of dough balls, seeing her potential near future. As I sit down, Jazz’s familiar cackle echoes against the walls. I discreetly follow the sound and manage to spot her at the other side of the restaurant, talking with lots of hand motions to some guy. I can’t see him, but the back of his head looks nice.
The meal goes fine, but I barely say a word. He spends the whole time talking about himself; about his job, his boat, his big house. He really does seem like a self-obsessed prick if I’m honest, but I have to remind myself that he’s gorgeous, if nothing else. And that this is a massive step for me – my first date since Him. It's really an achievement if nothing else. I stare into my wine glass, wondering if I’d look like an alcoholic if I ordered another bottle.
‘And that was the year we went to St Tropez. Have you ever been? Oh you should, the beaches are amazing and last year we saw Brad...’
The table trembles and I grab my wine glass to stop it from falling over. I look up to see that Jazz has thrown herself against the table. What is she doing?
‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I’m such a klutz!’ she apologises to Hugh. She turns to face me in sudden recognition. ‘Oh my God...Poppy? Is that you? It’s been years!’
Oh God, her acting really is so transparent. It’s embarrassing. He really can't be buying this.
‘Come to the ladies with me and we can have a catch up, hmm?’ she says, in her ridiculous posh accent that she puts on whenever she’s lying. Anyone would think she went to Oxford instead of Leeds. None the less, I smile politely and follow her into the toilets.
‘Nice acting,’ I say sarcastically as soon as the door is shut.
‘Thanks. I’m thinking about my Oscar speech,’ she jokes as she pulls up her sky blue dress and yanks down her knickers, plonking herself on the toilet and not bothering to shut the door.
I swear I’ve seen this woman’s vagina more times than I’ve seen my own. She really does have no boundaries.
‘So, what’s he like?’ she shouts, even though she's barely a foot away from me.
‘To be honest, he’s a bit of a douche. He won’t stop talking about himself.’
‘Yeah, but Pops have you seen him? He’s fucking gorgeous; who cares if he’s boring.’
‘Well it’s not going to go anywhere.’ I look in the mirror and re-apply the near purple lipstick that Jazz forced me to wear. I’m sure it makes me look like a super hero.
‘Jeez, I’m not asking you to marry the guy! Why don’t you just have a one nighter with him?’
She says it like it’s the most normal ordinary thing to do in the world. Just like saying ‘why don’t you buy butter instead of margarine’. The thought of a near stranger touching my bare skin makes me shiver in disgust.
‘Because I’m not a whore! I can’t just give myself to a practical stranger.’ She really doesn’t know me at all.
‘Give yourself?’ She yanks up her knickers and comes out of the cubicle. ‘Next you’ll be talking about your special flower.’
I narrow my eyes at her, trying to show my irritation.
‘I just think you should have a one night stand with him. I do it all the time, it’s great. Pure, hot, indulgent sex and no strings attached. You really can’t go through life without doing it at least once.’
‘Oh really, and you’re such a good example are you? Where have all the one night stands got you?’ I ask bitchily. Her face drops and I immediately feel awful.
‘Hey, I’ve had loads of hot sex actually,’ she says defensively. ‘Which is more than I can say about you. How many men have you slept with? Was it three?’ she mocks.
Well now I practically feel like a virgin.
‘I’m sorry,’ I sigh. ‘I didn’t mean to be a bitch. It’s just....I’m scared. I don’t know if I can get naked in front of someone I don’t see a future with.’
‘God, you’re practically a nun!’ She turns to face me, placing her hands on my shoulders. ‘Look, I know it’ll be the first time since...Him. But, remember that you can be anything you want to be. For all he knows you’re some vamp who eats men for breakfast. Just think of it as a performance.’
I think about it for a moment and try not to allow my stomach to curl up in fear. Maybe this would be good for me. Help me move on completely. It would be nice to get my number up to four.
‘The only way you’re going to completely get over him is to get under someone else.’
‘Jazz!’ I exclaim. She can be so crass.
‘Whatever, virgin,’ she jokes, a comical look on her face.
I think about her poor date. He has no idea what he’s let himself in for. She’ll eat him alive. An idea pops into my head.
‘Ok. I’ll do it. But only if you don’t sleep with your man tonight,’ I challenge.
‘What? Why do I have to suffer?’ she asks dramatically pouting her lips.
‘I’m doing this for your own good. You seem to like this guy, so why ruin it by jumping into bed with him? Make him wait a while and it will be even better.’
She ponders over this for a while as she puts on more neon pink lipstick and puffs up her long tangled hair.
‘Ok it’s a deal. But remember – think Madonna in her slutty days.’
* * *
As I put the key into the unfamiliar door, I notice my hands are shaking. I’m really going through with this. Is it too late to change my mind? I mean, I have made him travel all the way to the house, insistent that I didn’t want to go to his bachelor pad. And he did pay for the taxi. It’d probably be unreasonable to change my mind now.
I tip toe into the house, glad to find it in darkness. They must be in bed, or maybe they’re still out. I open the door to my bedroom and push the clothes from the floor with my foot to make a path. I really should tidy up this pig sty.
I turn to him and swallow hard, desperately trying to think of something sexy to say. There’s no need as he plunges his lips onto mine. I kiss him back and try to think vamp as he claws at my dress. Fight every natural urge in your body to run away and commit to this. It’s really no big deal.
* * *
Well that was different. That really was something. I was an animal! Jazz was so right, once I got into character, I was on fire. To think at the start I was actually worried I wouldn’t know what I was doing. But it's just like riding a bike. And boy, oh boy, did I just get back on that saddle.
My fears of bats flying loose from my vagina as my knickers were torn off are over. I was fine. Actually I was better than fine. I was throwing moves I never even knew I had. I threw him all round that bedroom. I think I even slapped him in the face at one point. It was crazy. Just for that night I was someone else. I was Madonna.
I creep out of bed, scared to death of waking him, and put on Jazz’s pink fluffy dressing gown. Suddenly I’m terrified that he’ll expect a repeat performance. My whole body aches as it is, I’d probably just have a heart attack and die if I went through it again. No matter how good it was, I’m still pleased it's over. I can just move on now.
I skip into the kitchen, thinking what a seductive vamp I am while I flick the kettle on.
‘Morning.’
I jump and turn round, with my heart still in my throat, to find Ryan. He’s in his usual spot, reading a paper and drinking a cup of tea.
‘Oh hi,’ I say, quickly checking that I don’t have mascara gunk in my eye. ‘You’d think I’d get used to that,’ I mutter under my breath.
I hear him snort a laugh. Whoops. I hope he didn’t hear me.
‘Right...I’ll be off then,’ my one night stand says, suddenly walking into the kitchen. He’s only half dressed, pulling on his shirt. Oh my God. What's his name? I can't remember his name!
‘Yeah, bye.’ I smile awkwardly, wishing he would leave quicker.
He leaves and I breathe a breath of relief. Damn, I was wishing I could have snuck him out before anyone else was awake. I glance up quickly to see Ryan smiling. Sudden irrational anger takes over me. Why the hell does Ryan get up so early if he doesn’t work? It's unnatural, and confirms to me he is definitely a freak. I turn back to the kettle and try to think cooling thoughts; ice cubes, polar bears. Anything to stop the fire in my cheeks.
‘So, you had fun last night then?’ Ryan asks cockily from above his paper.
‘Hey don’t judge me, man whore,’ I snap, feeling my lip curl, ready for a fight.
‘Man whore?’ He puts his paper down and stares at me.
Wow – I’ve really got his attention. I can't back down now.
‘Yes, you heard me. I’ve heard all about your reputation. And for your information that was the first one night stand I’ve ever had. So don't think you can judge me.’
Yeah, that told him.
‘Hey, I believe you. Millions wouldn’t, but I do,’ he says sarcastically, as he takes a sip of tea.
God, he’s so infuriating. I want to throw his tea all over him. Who does he think he is judging me? He doesn’t know me and he never will if I have anything to do with it.