The Darkest Kiss (Riley Jenson Guardian #6)(21)

“Because I found my soul mate ten years ago.” His voice was soft, matter-of-fact, cutting oddly through the shock that ran through me. He could have been talking about a football match rather than the one event every wolf lived for. 
But if he had a soul mate, then he wouldn’t be sitting here propositioning me.
Would he?
After all, having found his soul mate had never stopped Rhoan.
My gaze went to his. There in his eyes was a torment and suffering so deep it beat to death anything I’d ever felt in my entire life.
He smiled—a twisted smile that made something deep inside me ache—then added, “I lost her four years ago.”
Again, shock ran through me. The soul-mate bond was unshakable and unbreakable. In many ways, it was similar to the bond of a twin. I knew when Rhoan was sick, or in trouble, or hurt. I mightn’t be able to read his mind, but I knew him, understood him, and probably better than I knew or understood myself. The soul bond was like that—only deeper. Much deeper.
To lose a soul mate was to lose part of yourself.
“Had you sworn your love to the moon?”
Because if they had, it was even more amazing that he was sitting here sane and whole. I’d always heard—always believed—that in a moon-sworn bond, the death of one partner meant the death of the other. That one could not survive as a whole without the other. If they did…madness was the end result.
Ben looked remarkably sane for a wolf who had lost his heart and his soul.
“We never performed the moon ceremony, simply because of the job. We both wanted to get out of the business, but to do that, we needed money. And to get money, we had to work.”
“And neither of you could do anything else?”
He grimaced. “Nothing else paid as well.”
I shifted my hands and squeezed his fingers lightly. As comforting gestures went, it was pretty poor, but then, what else was there? This man had lost his soul mate. There were no words, no actions, that could ever provide enough comfort after such a horrendous event.
“How did she die?”
His lips twisted. “A car accident. A stupid, fucking car accident. And no one’s fault but the weather’s.”
“I’m sorry—” The words were out before I could retract them. They were stupid words, really, because they had no meaning when we were strangers and I hadn’t even known his mate. So I added, “I’m sorry we got onto this subject. I’m sorry I made you remember—”
As if he would ever forget.
“Hey, I brought the topic up, not you.” He shrugged, and it was almost as if he were shrugging away the cloak of his woes, putting it away for another day. I wondered how long it had actually taken to gain such control over the ache. “And to answer your original question, no wolf can walk away from a soul mate. It’d be like ripping out your heart and flinging it away—you can’t survive if you do it.”
“And yet you survived her death.”
His laugh was bittersweet. “Yeah, I did. But only thanks to my ever-loving, goddamn nagging sister.”
I raised my eyebrows. “How did your sister save you?”
“She refused to let me die.” He shrugged. “Our pack is a small one, and the two of us were always close. I think that bond is the only reason I’m alive today.”
I studied him for a moment, then asked, “So you did try to die?”
“Of course. My heart and my soul had left me. It didn’t matter that we hadn’t sworn our love to the moon—she was my world. My reason for living. Without her—” He shrugged, and gave me that heartbreaking smile again. “Except my sister wasn’t about to let me go so easily.”
They had to have one hell of a strong relationship for her to be able to drag him back from the brink of death. I very much doubted the normal bond of siblings would have done so.
God, if something ever happened to Liander, would Rhoan choose death? We had a strong bond—a bond as strong as life itself—but I really didn’t know if that would be enough to pull my brother back. No matter how badly he sometimes treated his mate, Rhoan loved Liander with every fiber of his being.I licked my lips and said, “So you’re still close to your sister?”
“She nagged me back to life. How could I walk away after something like that?”
The waitress arrived, and we ordered our coffee and cake. I glanced at my watch, wondering when Jilli was going to come out. Jack would get less than pleasant if I stayed and chatted for too long—especially when we had a badass running around killing humans.
“This wolf that walked away,” Ben asked, after a moment, “what made you think he was your soul mate?”
I shrugged. “It was probably wishful thinking more than anything else. I cared for him—cared for him a lot—but we never really got it together enough to see if it could ever be more.”
“And when you made love?”
I raised an eyebrow, amusement teasing my lips. “When we made love, a good time was had by all.”
Amusement twitched Ben’s lush mouth. “That goes without saying for a wolf.”
“Then why ask the question?”
His grin was as sexy as hell and my hormones did another little dance. And really, I couldn’t be sorry that my self-imposed exile from sex seemed to be coming to an end. I might still hurt, but what was the point in continuing to abstain from something that was so much a part of who I was?
I might not be ready to step out with my heart on my sleeve, but a good time was definitely beginning to hit my agenda once again.
“What I mean by that question,” he said, “is what did you feel deep down? Besides arousal, besides desire?”
I’d felt lots of things when I was with Kellen, and some of those feelings had not been entirely my own. Quinn, I’d discovered, had found a way to use the sensual, sexy dreams we’d shared as a path into my deeper thoughts, placing a compulsion deep within to avoid the things he disapproved of. Like the wolf clubs. And Kellen.
“What I was feeling often depended on how I was feeling about our relationship at the time, or what else was happening in my life. Why do you want to know?”
“Because the first time I made love to Jodie, I knew she was the one. My heart, my soul, my life. We were inseparable from that moment.”
I raised my eyebrows. I’d never felt that with anyone. Not even Quinn. “So it was love at first sight?”
He laughed, a warm rich sound that sent tingles of desire scooting across my flesh. “God, no. Quite the opposite, in fact. We worked with each other for six months and never got an inkling. And our first kiss was nothing more than the polite kiss colleagues share at Christmas. It wasn’t until we actually had sex that things changed.”
So did that mean the whole meeting-of-eyes-across-the-crowded-room moment I’d been dreaming of half my life was just that? A dream? Or was it simply a matter of different wolves, different situations? 
I had to hope so. Fate had snatched away so many of my dreams of late that it would really hurt to lose that one as well.
I crossed my arms and leaned forward a little. His gaze flicked downward, caressing my breasts, and the heat of his desire flicked around me. My nostrils flared as I sucked in the scent, feeling it swirl its way through me. It was nice, so nice, after such a long absence. “So what was it like? That first moment, I mean.”
“Well, there was no chorus of angels singing, if that’s what you were expecting.”
I grinned. “In this day and age, I think angels have better things to do than hang around chorusing while people mash body parts.”
Amusement flirted with his mouth again. “It was more a feeling of belonging and completeness. From the moment that we made love, I could think of no other, wanted no other.”
I definitely hadn’t felt that with Kellen. Or Quinn, for that matter, even though there’d been a connection—a deep connection—between us. One that was richer and stronger than I could ever possibly explain. But did that validate my feelings that he wasn’t the one? The fact that I’d walked away—or rather, sent him away—seemed to confirm that possibility. Not to mention the fact that even when we were together, I’d also had other partners. Much to his disgust, for sure, but still…
“It wasn’t like that with us,” I said eventually. “But I was hoping it was something we’d grow into.”
“You don’t grow into a soul mate,” he said, the amusement on his lips clear in his voice. “It’s just something that is. Or isn’t.”
“Trust me, nothing is that simple in my life.”
“Love is.”
“For you, maybe.” I thanked the waitress as she brought over our order, then began tucking in to the thick, gooey chocolate cake. Which wasn’t as delicious as the scent coming from the big wolf sitting opposite me, but still more than lived up to the standards of this place.
“So how does the whole sex and dating bit work for you now?” I asked.
He shrugged. “There will always be an emptiness deep inside, one that no amount of lovemaking will ever fill. But I’m a werewolf, and sex is still damned good.” He gave me a grin that was so sexy my insides just about melted. “I can demonstrate just how good, if you’d like.”
“You know,” I said, glad my voice sounded dry rather than husky with the excitement that was buzzing around my insides, “as much as I enjoy a bit of exhibitionism, this is a little too public for me.”