The Darkest Hour(43)

The ride home was silent, which was just as well. Ethan had no desire to  talk or speculate. Worry was eating a hole in his gut. He should have  never let Rachel go alone, no matter what she said. Had she been in an  accident? Had the appointment with the therapist been too much?

"Stop beating yourself up," Garrett said in a low voice. "You don't even know what, if anything, happened. Save it."

Ethan blew out his breath in frustration and didn't respond.

When they pulled into the driveway, Sean's patrol car was already parked  in front. No one was in it, and as soon as Sam pulled up beside it,  Ethan hopped out and hurried to the front door.

"Rachel?" he called as soon as he got inside. "Baby, where are you?"

He burst into the living room to see Rachel sitting on the couch, her  face pale and drawn, her eyes red-rimmed and swollen from crying. Sean  sat beside her, and relief flashed over his face when he looked up to  see Ethan. He stood and moved forward to meet Ethan.                       
       
           



       

Ethan's stomach dropped as he locked onto Rachel. He walked past Sean,  ignoring everything but the look on Rachel's face. She looked . . .  lost.

Sean stepped back to the couch and briefly leaned down where Rachel could hear him.

"Remember your promise. And tell Ethan everything. It'll be okay, I swear it."

She nodded but looked away, as if trying to hold on to her rapidly deteriorating composure.

Sean touched Ethan on the shoulder and then walked across the living  room to where Sam and Garrett now stood. Ethan turned long enough to see  Sean motion Ethan's brothers outside, and then he and Rachel were left  alone.

Something in Rachel's expression kept him from going to her and taking  her in his arms. There was something dark and terrible in her eyes, and  for the first time since she'd come home, he felt real, tangible fear.  Of what he wasn't sure.

Oh, there were plenty of things he was afraid of. But he could put a  name to those. He was scared shitless she'd remember what a dick he'd  been, that he'd asked for a divorce, that he'd made terrible accusations  and that he'd done everything in his power to drive her away.

But this. This was different and that fear paralyzed him.

"Rachel."

Her name came out a croak, and he cleared his throat, shamed that he couldn't be stronger for her.

"Sean says I should be better about leaning on my family," she said,  surprising him. "That I shouldn't be ashamed to ask for help or to tell  you when things are . . . bad."

Ethan sat down beside her, still afraid to touch her. There was such a  wounded look in her eyes. Had she remembered things about their past?  Their marriage? What an utter bastard he was?

"He's right. That's what we're here for. We love you."

She smiled tremulously. "I told him he should have arrested me."

Ethan stiffened from head to toe. "What the hell?"

"I was such a mess after meeting the therapist," she said, her voice  thready with emotion. "I don't know what I expected. Well, I do, but it  was stupid and unrealistic. I wanted her to wave a magic wand and fix  me. I felt so helpless and angry. God, I was so angry. I thought I might  explode with it. And then I left and I needed . . . I wanted a needle  so bad it was all I could focus on."

She looked away, her eyes going down as they crowded with shame. "I  almost asked a kid if he knew how to get drugs, Ethan. A kid. Dear God,  what have I become? I was a teacher. And I was willing to ruin a kid's  life by dragging him into my addiction. I was willing to ruin my life,  what's left of it."

Sudden rage suffused her face, turning it red as her eyes sparked.

"God, I sound so pathetic. Damn it, Ethan, I'm tired of sounding so  pitiful. ‘What's left of my life.' Enough. Enough, enough, enough," she  chanted. "I'm so lucky. I have a second chance and I tried to screw it  up. How unforgiveable is that? I have a husband and a great family who  loves me, and I was willing to throw all of that away because some woman  asking me questions made me feel helpless and inferior."

She stood, agitated, her hands curling into tight fists at her sides.

"Well, I'm done with that," she said fiercely. "Do you hear me, Ethan?  I'm done. This need inside me is killing me, but I won't let it. Do you  hear me? I won't let it. I might be crazy, but I'm not going to let you  or my family down. I'm not going to let myself down."

Her shoulders heaved, and by God, she was magnificent. Her eyes were  puffy and swollen, red-tinged, and her breaths came out in short,  erratic rasps, but it was the most animated, the strongest he'd seen her  since she'd come back to him.

"Come here," he whispered, barely able to get the words out around the huge knot in his throat.

Never in his life had he been more unworthy of her. If he had courage,  he'd tell her everything. He'd tell her the bald truth and beg her  forgiveness. Beg her for the chance to make things right.

But all he could do was fold her into his arms and hold her so tight.  She shook against him, and he realized it was rage rolling through her  veins. Not tears.

It was funny. He knew what to do with the fragile, tearful Rachel. He  could hold her, comfort her, let her lean on him when she didn't have  the strength to stand on her own. But with her angry and resolved, he  was clueless. So all he could do was hold tight.

"Never be afraid to tell me anything," he whispered against her hair.  "No matter how ashamed you might feel. I'll never judge you, Rachel. I  love you."

His words echoed in his ears. Harsh. Everything he told her was true and  it made him the worst hypocrite. What he expected from her he was  himself unwilling to give. The truth.                       
       
           



       

He closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair. He was on borrowed  time. She'd remember. It wasn't a matter of if but when. Every day more  came back. Little snippets. Memories that pushed to the surface. How  much longer could he hope to keep the truth from her?

"I'm sorry, Ethan," she said.

She drew away and leaned back into his embrace, coiling her arms around his neck.

"I went a little crazy. I hate the way I felt," she whispered. "How much  longer will I live with the addiction? Hasn't it been long enough? I'm  fine and then bam, out of the blue my skin is crawling and I want relief  so bad I think I'll do anything to get it."

"I'll take you back to the doctor. We'll work it out, Rachel. I swear  it. If you don't want to go back to the therapist, we'll figure out  something else. Together we can do this."

She smiled then, and it took his breath away. Hope shone in her eyes for  the first time since he'd walked in the door to see her so devastated.

"You're right. Sean's right. We can do this together. I'll do better,  Ethan. I just want things back the way they were before," she said  wistfully.

The way they were before. God. If she only knew. It was the last thing  he wanted. He wanted things to be different. He never wanted to go back  to the way things had been before she left, before he thought she'd  died.

He wanted a new beginning for them both. But in order to have that new beginning, they were going to have to face the past.





CHAPTER 30



ETHAN shot a glance over at Rachel to see how she was handling the  crowded living room. The family had gathered for Nathan's and Joe's last  night home for a while. They were leaving on a training mission in two  days, and it wasn't as if their mom ever needed an excuse to get her  brood together.

The night may have belonged to Nathan and Joe, but Rusty had taken  center stage with a very subdued apology. Rachel's reaction had been  hard to guage. Ethan hadn't even wanted her to know what Rusty had done,  but it had been impossible to keep it from her as a result of his  father's demand for Rusty's public apology. Rachel had remained quiet  and as subdued as Rusty through it all.

The thing was, Rusty had seemed sincere. Even now the girl stood to the  side, pale, lines of worry around her young face. Hell, all she should  be worrying about was boys and curfews, right?

Ethan sighed and briefly closed his eyes. He was bone weary and worrying  about whether or not Rusty was going to shape up wasn't on his list of  priorities.

"Hey, you okay, man?"

Ethan opened his eyes to see Donovan standing over him, a frown on his face.

"Yeah, I'm good. Thought you were heading off on assignment?"

Donovan nodded. "Tomorrow a.m. Had to see Nathan and Joe off."

"You sure you don't need any help?"

Not that Ethan wanted to leave Rachel even for a minute, but he wasn't  comfortable with the idea of Sam and Garrett staying behind, especially  when he was sure they were sticking around because of him.