"And then he called up Tammy right there in front of God and everybody and told her he was in love with her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her."
"You forgot the part where he asked Tess for the ring back so he could give it to Tammy," Carol said. "I thought Tess's hair might catch on fire. It got pretty entertaining after that with you tossing the ring in the Dumpster like that."
"She's a Sherman," Tatiana said. "We always think on our feet. And if her grandfather had been alive, Henry probably wouldn't have kneecaps."
"It was a real spectacle," Debra said. "I don't know how you showed your face in public after that." She pursed her lips judgmentally and said, "If he didn't break your heart that means you never really loved him. And I just don't see how that's possible. He's an excellent dentist."
"That's ridiculous," Theodora piped in. "Women marry men they don't love all the time. She had her reasons. And if Henry was such a hotshot dentist, his front cap wouldn't have popped off when he climbed into that Dumpster."
"It only popped off because he landed on his head," Carol said. "He was never very coordinated. You dodged a bullet there, Tess."
"A bullet would've been too merciful for that bastard," Theodora said. "If it was up to me, I'd have taken my shears and cut out his cold, black heart."
And that right there was why Tess had suffered through the ups and downs of her mother's sickness. There was love there. It only got redirected from time to time.
"Thank you, Mama. But I'd prefer you stay off death row. Henry has never been worth it."
"Don't worry, baby," Theodora said. "You'll find a man who is. Maybe one of those nice young men who works for you. Except for Dante. I've already called dibs."
"And she's back," Tess said, but Theodora had the water on full blast and was scrubbing away at Debra's scalp.
"THIS DOESN'T SEEM right," Elias said.
Water sprayed from one of the pipes in Tess's bathroom, and Deacon was getting blasted in the face as he tried to tighten the valve where the leak was.
"No shit," Deacon said.
"Next time just get her flowers, mate," Axel said. He placed a bucket to catch the drips that weren't spraying in Deacon's face. "Women are only impressed by home improvement projects if you can actually do them."
"I can do it," Deacon said. "I wasn't expecting pipes to start disintegrating the minute I touched them. This could've happened at any time. Only now I know where the major problems are."
"Right," Elias said. "Nice save. I don't see why Eve picked you to seduce the delectable Miss Sherman. I think I'm much more qualified for the job." Elias smirked and leaned on the shovel he'd been using to fill the wheelbarrow with broken tiles and Sheetrock. "How about we we shoot for her at the range? Whoever is most accurate with the fastest time gets to take her to bed."
"Hold on a sec," Axel said, moving out of the bathroom. "I want to get out of the way before Deacon kills you."
"What?" Elias asked, his grin widening. "Seems fair to me. What if she likes me better?"
Deacon growled and said, "She doesn't."
A gleam of the devil was in Elias's eyes and he kept pushing. "Want to put it to the test?"
"I will kill you, and I'll make it hurt. No one touches Tess."
"Staked a claim, have you, brother?" Elias asked. "Why didn't you just say so? There are plenty of fish in the sea."
"You have so much to learn," Axel said from the doorway.
"What are you guys, a hundred? We're in the prime of our life. Women are meant to be savored and enjoyed. Like an eight-course meal, except there's a different woman at every course."
"You're an idiot," Deacon said, blotting his knuckles on a rag. "A woman is going to come along someday and make you forget about your eight-course meal. And then she's going to make you beg and knock you off that pedestal you've put yourself on as God's gift to women."
Elias snorted out a laugh. "No woman will make me beg. That's when you know it's time to move on to the next course."
"This conversation is making me oddly hungry," Axel said. "It's still stupid, but I guess it could be worse. He could be using an all-you-can-eat buffet as an example."
"Yeah," Deacon said. "He's all class with his eight-course meal analogy."
"Shut up, the both of you," Elias said. "If you want to limit yourself to one woman, then it's your loss. More for me."