"What can I do for you today, Jo Beth?" Theodora said. "I don't have you in the appointment book. Did I forget to put you down?"
"Oh, no," Jo Beth said a little breathlessly. But that's how Jo Beth did everything. Like she full-out sprinted everywhere she went and could never quite catch her breath. She'd worked at the post office since she'd graduated high school about twenty years before. She was a mousy woman with forgettable brown hair, brown eyes, and thin lips.
But Tess knew a side of Jo Beth most people didn't get to see. They'd once attended a bachelorette party together, and after three or four Slippery Nipple shots, Jo Beth had given one of the strippers a lap dance instead of the other way around. She'd also ridden a mechanical bull and made out with a waitress name Lucille, so it was hard for Tess to see Jo Beth back in her normal habitat.
Jo Beth's eyes got wide when she saw Tess sitting behind the counter. "Umm . . . Hi, Tess." And then she looked back at Theodora. "I was going to see if you could squeeze me in. Aunt Delores's funeral is tomorrow."
"If you don't mind waiting a little while, I can squeeze you in," Theodora said.
"I appreciate it. I was real close to Aunt Delores. She and I had a lot in common."
Tess wanted to ask if Delores had also been fond of giving lap dances, but instead asked Carol, "What's wrong with Mavis Beaman? I haven't seen her in years. I thought she'd moved."
"She's been going through the longest menopause in history," Carol said, rolling her eyes. "She was in the pharmacy line waiting for her hormones and started having hot flashes. She stripped her shirt off right there in front of everyone, and then she burst into tears because Wally McAlpin screamed out loud at the sight of her. You know how excitable he can get."
"Bless her heart," Debra said, shaking her head. "I remember those days. I threw a brick right through Harold's windshield. The hormones made me do it."
"Yeah, that was a good one," Tatiana said, her smile nostalgic. "That's the first time I ever had any respect for you."
Debra gave her a puzzled look, not sure if she should be insulted or not.
"What happened to Mavis?" Tess asked, drawing the conversation back on point.
Carol stuck her hands in two bowls of hot sudsy water, and there was an unholy glee in her eyes at the idea of being the first to impart such a great story.
"She dropped like a stone onto the floor. Just splat, like an overgrown toddler at the grocery store. She looked like a fool flopping around down there and carrying on. I'm telling you, she's faking it. Nobody has menopause for eight years. I think she just likes being crazy and getting away with bad behavior. On her way down to the floor I saw her grab a bag of M&M's right off the shelf and shove them in her purse."
"My goodness," Theodora said, scandalized. "You just can't trust anyone nowadays."
The irony of Theodora making that statement wasn't lost on Tess.
"Well I'd like to get back to the subject of Tess and the sheriff," Tatiana said. "You should try him on for size. Sometimes men have to grow on you."
"You and the sheriff?" Jo Beth asked, blinking rapidly.
"There's no me and the sheriff," Tess assured her. "I'm not interested."
"It's because that Henry Pottinger broke your heart," Carol said, sagely. "You can't put a timetable on grief and moving on. You take your time. When you're ready to take the sheriff for a ride, I'm sure he'll still be available. I think he's allergic to marriage since Victoria up and left him."
"Henry didn't break my heart," Tess said. "Mostly he made me want to slash all his tires. But that was just because I'd basically wasted a year of my life trying to plan a wedding he never intended on going through with."
"What the hell did you do with all those flocked Christmas trees?" Tatiana asked. "I've never seen such a thing. It would've been a beautiful wedding. Very Russian."
"I put them in the front lawn of the funeral home and sold them all at a discount," Tess said. "My first inclination was to set them all on fire, but Miller talked me into getting a little money back."
"I can't blame you for wanting to slash his tires," Jo Beth said timidly. Her breaths were coming in and out so fast Tess wondered how she wasn't hyperventilating. "The way he called off the wedding in public like that was just awful. He just ruined that whole Fourth of July parade. He really thought the crowd would be on his side when he got up on the bandstand like he did and told everyone he couldn't marry you because he had to follow his heart."
Crystal hadn't said a word, but she snorted and muttered, "Asshole," under her breath.