“Pretty much. And I’ve chastised myself for it every day since. But, of course, I assumed no one would ever know, least of all you.”
“I was a bit slower,” I admitted. “I think it was when you pulled me from the kitchen. You weren’t worried about what was happening, or how we might look running through a crowded room, or anything else in the world, it seemed. I was unsettled, and you brought me back to earth. So many people are in charge of keeping me in line, but no one seems to make me feel quite so normal as you.”
He swallowed. “I’m sorry I won’t be able to do that much longer.”
“You have no idea how much I wish you could.”
After a strained moment of silence, he cleared his throat. “Would you please be so kind . . . when this is over, would you please not contact me? I’m sure you could find me any time you wanted. But please don’t. You have been a wonderful friend to me, and so have these men. I don’t want to become the kind of man who betrays his friends.”
“And I don’t want to become the kind of woman who deceives her husband. When it’s over, it’s over.”
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“But nothing is over tonight,” I reminded him.
He looked down, smiling a bit. “I know. I’m trying to decide if I have enough courage to ask you for another kiss.”
I moved closer to him. “You can ask for one. Or two. Or twelve.”
And he laughed before he toppled backward, the rush of our movement knocking over his glass of wine and sending the candle flames dancing.
CHAPTER 26
I GOT TO THE OFFICE a little later than I’d intended the next morning. I’d swept back my hair and dressed in a rush, but no matter how much time I spent on my face, I couldn’t seem to wipe away my smile.
It was a delicious feeling, falling in love. I’d had so many luxuries in my life, and I thought I’d had a taste of this before, but I realized now it was merely a cheap imitation of something not meant to be imitated in the first place.
I reminded myself it would end, and I’d already made my peace with it. I knew I was going to choose Kile; I’d told Eikko as much.
Kile would make me happy, and I hoped I could do the same for him. I figured at some point, once Kile knew I was choosing him, I’d come clean to him about some of this. And I knew Kile well enough to know that he’d understand if I confessed to feeling confused about the process and that kissing Eikko wasn’t something I planned, both of which were true. I didn’t want it hanging over us. Any of us.
And a life side by side with Kile was not exactly a prison sentence. He was smart, passionate, funny, charming—a dozen things a husband ought to be. He would be beloved by the people—our people—and he would stand beside me and fight Marid. He was so charismatic, he might even render Marid useless.
And, deep in my heart, I hoped there was a chance that I could learn to love him, now that I knew what that really felt like.
For the time being I had a few precious days left with Eikko, and I intended to treasure each one.
Neena tapped on my desk, bringing my attention back to the present. “Are you okay? What are you thinking about?”
“Umm . . .”
To be honest, I was thinking about the sound of Her Majesty Eadlyn Helena Margarete Schreave de Koskinen, and how suddenly my mouthful of names seemed like a line of poetry. But then I looked into her eyes and saw they were tinged with red.
“About you,” I said. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” she said in a tone that said not really. “It’s just Mark. He’s working such long hours, and now I have to work more, and it’s getting harder to keep in touch. You know, same old. Distance isn’t a big deal until it is.”
I took her hands. “Neena, the last thing I want to do is cost you the person you love. You’re a brilliant girl; you could work anywhere—”
“Are you firing me?” she whispered, looking like she might cry.
“Of course not! The thought of you leaving breaks my heart. If you can have friend soul mates, you’re mine, and I don’t want you going anywhere.” She laughed through her glassy eyes. “I just can’t bear to watch you lose something that matters so much to you.”
“I get that. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to sit back and look at your life right now?”
I sighed. “My life is a different thing entirely. And, like you said, I could do worse.”
“Eadlyn, please rethink this. There must be a better way to stop Marid.”
“If there is, I don’t have the time to wait for it. If I don’t secure my place now, I’ll either have a reign filled with people trying to usurp me and failing, or people trying and succeeding. Those options aren’t acceptable. This matters to me. I can’t compromise.”