All of it, every magical, forbidden second burned through me as we continued our dangerously treasonous kiss. When we finally broke apart, I was in tears, positive that Ahren leaving and the fear of losing my mother had been painless in comparison to this.
He shook his head, still holding on to me. “Of course the one time I let myself fall in love, it’s with someone in another stratosphere.”
I dug my fingers into his shirt, his vest, so angry that I couldn’t hold on to it forever. “This will be the first time in my life I haven’t been able to have something I truly wanted. It’s so cruel that it happens to be you.”
He swallowed. “It really is impossible then?”
My face fell. I didn’t want to say the words. “I’m afraid so. In so many ways now. I can hardly grasp it all to explain, but everything just got much more complicated for me.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation. I already knew. I made the mistake of letting myself hope for a moment. That’s all.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, dropping my gaze. “If I thought I could cancel this whole thing, I would. But it would be seen as one more mistake on top of all the other selfish, stupid things I’ve done.”
Using his other hand, he gently lifted my chin. “Please don’t speak that way about the woman I love.”
My smile was weak. “I’ve been so unfair to you. It was eating me alive, all the wondering, but maybe we would have been better off if we’d never known.”
“No,” he said, somehow able to find comfort in the middle of us being torn apart. “There is no shame in loving who you love, and there is great honor in doing what is right. It’s a pity those two things don’t overlap for us, but that makes this moment no less important to me.”
“Or to me.”
He held my hand so tenderly, still seeming shocked that he had the courage to do it at all.
“I should get back,” he said. “I’d hate to cause a scandal.”
I sighed. “You’re right.” And still I couldn’t quite let go. I stood pressing myself to him. “I’m not engaged yet,” I whispered. “Would you meet me tomorrow night?”
It was impossible not to see all the gears turning in his head. It was also easy to see the moment when he stopped thinking and nodded yes anyway.
“I’ll get word to you. Leave now, and I’ll make my way out in a few minutes.”
Erik gave me one last hurried kiss and dashed back into the hall. Meanwhile, I retrieved my crown and walked over to the hidden panel behind the bookcase. I wanted to be sure no one would find me tonight.
There were no more rebels in Illéa, no threats like that to run away from. But there were still dozens of secret passages in the palace, and I knew every single one.
CHAPTER 24
“GOOD MORNING, YOUR MAJESTY,” LADY Brice greeted me as I walked into the office. Typically, I’d been able to sleep in on Sundays, but there was no way I could spend my first day as queen in bed, especially not after the way things ended last night.
I sighed, both tired and thrilled. “I heard it a million times yesterday, but it still feels strange to answer to that title.”
“You’ll have decades to get used to it,” she replied with a smile.
“Speaking of that, I need to speak with you about the Selection, and my reign, and an unexpected complication.”
“Complication?”
“Can you tell me something? How popular is Marid?”
Lady Brice whistled. “He’s made quite a name for himself over the last few years. He’s frequently interviewed on the radio, and he’s so handsome and comes from such a well-known family that he ends up in a lot of print media as well. Plenty of people listen when he speaks. Fortunate he decided to turn up when he did, huh?”
Before I could explain what had happened last night, I heard the door open behind me, and Josie burst into the room.
“Hey! Hope I’m not late!” she exclaimed.
I closed my eyes in frustration. I completely forgot she was supposed to start shadowing me today.
“Can I help you?” Lady Brice asked.
“Oh, I’m here to help you,” she announced. “I’m shadowing Eadlyn today. Maybe longer, if this goes well.”
“Miss Marlee suggested it during the family photo session yesterday,” I said quickly.
Lady Brice nodded, and it was at this moment that Neena entered the office as well. Though I wasn’t sure how comfortable I was sharing everything in front of Josie, it seemed I had no choice.
“Okay,” I began slowly, “we have a problem. And his name is Marid Illéa.”