The Contract Rebecca's Lost Journals, Volume 2(2)

            •    I accept any form of restraint without time limit.

            No time limit is a NO.

            •    I agree to obey my Master in all respects. Mind, body, heart, and time belong to him.

            My time belongs to him? My mind? No.

            •    I will have the right to operate at work, in my daily routine, without this agreement interfering. I may dress, communicate, and function as the job dictates necessary.

            Well, that helps a little, but not much.

            •    I accept the responsibility of using my safe word when necessary, and trust implicitly in my Master to respect the use of that safe word.

            This, I believe I can live with. So we have one thing I’m okay with. One. This isn’t going too well.

            •    I will always speak of my Master in terms of love and respect. She will address him at all times as “Master.”

            This will take getting used to, but I’ll figure it out. So I’ve found a second thing I can live with.

            •    I agree that my Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use my body and what use they may put it to.

            Share me? This bothers me more than anything. How can he care about me if he wants to share me? Who would he share me with? Am I kidding myself to think he would care about me? This is sex. Just sex. In so many ways, it’s what I want. No ties. No emotions. No interference in my job and career goals. Yet he wants to own my mind, time, body, and heart. It’s very confusing.

            • • •

            What’s even more confusing is that I’m not saying no to this. Why would I allow myself to be a submissive, a slave to another person?

            But I know the answer: because it’s him. There is something about him. What, I don’t know. It’s almost as if I feel like he can complete me in some way, and I’m not even sure how that is. This terrifies me. I don’t want another person to be what completes me. And sharing me . . . Do I want to be shared? It’s hard to imagine being with more than one person. Would I do it to please him? Would it please me? I’ve never thought of such a thing.

            I don’t think I can do this. No. I can’t. I’m going to tell him no.





Friday, February 18, 2011

            I didn’t deal with my submissive/Master scenario today. The timing just wasn’t right. I had too much going on at the gallery, and Mark was in Seattle to meet with my potential seller. I kept hoping to hear from him, but I didn’t. I don’t know what that means. I’m climbing the walls, wondering if he bought the painting for Riptide. Surely he knows what a big deal this is to me? But then, Mark seems to enjoy making me squirm. I must have asked Amanda a hundred times if he’d called in. I finally left him a message. He didn’t call back. How am I ever going to sleep with two huge open issues?





Saturday, February 19, 2011

            The minute I walked into the gallery today and found out from Amanda that Mark was in, I started for his office, only to be told that Ricco was with him. It just about made me crazy to have to wait; I’ve been dying to know what happened in Seattle. Then I started to worry about what Ricco and Mark might be talking about. Two hours passed and they still were in Mark’s office, which made no sense to me. They don’t even seem to like each other all that much. I had no idea what they could have been talking about and still don’t.

            When they finally came out of the office I was with a customer, and Mark and Ricco left together. Mark didn’t return by the time the gallery closed and I couldn’t help myself. I called him. He didn’t answer. He texted me instead with: I sent him a contract. He’ll want his attorney to review it. Expect this to take weeks.