He frowned and rubbed his forehead.
"I don't understand," he said. "What more do you want from me? We sleep together. We eat together. We fuck. A lot."
"Not lately." As soon as I said it, I knew it was wrong.
"I have a good reason."
I shook my head. "I'm sorry, that was wrong of me. Of course you have a good reason. But I can't be the one who initiates. Why? Does it threaten you that I have desire outside of your actions?"
He shook his head. "No, of course not. I know you do. But submission requires that you turn over your desires and choices to me. It frees you so that you no longer feel responsible for your desire or when we have sex. That's what submissives crave."
"I want it spontaneous sometimes. Whenever either of us feels a need, we fuck. I also want bondage and dominance. I love it. But can't we mix it up a bit? What's wrong with that?"
"I'm a Dominant. You knew that when we started this." He stood there, hands on hips. "For God's sake, Kate. That’s what you were looking for when you found Lara. Now, it seems as though you don’t really want it. You want a vanilla relationship with me, with a bit of bondage and kink thrown in when you decide you want it. Submission doesn’t work like that."
"You were a lot more spontaneous when we were first together at 8th Avenue. What happened?" I went to him and put my hands on his chest, staring up in his eyes. "Things have changed since Maureen came here and you learned about Liam."
"Kate, I'm a Dominant," he said again, and I could hear the frustration in his voice. "I need control. We've been over this." His gaze moved over my face. "Are you unhappy with me?" His face was guarded, his eyes half-hooded.
I sighed heavily. "I love you, Drake but you told me to tell you if I felt neglected. Well, I feel neglected."
He stared at me, his gaze moving over my face. "I understand, but I'm not fucking you now," he said, his voice calm. "You'll have to wait."
"Fine," I said and pulled on my socks. I went to the closet and grabbed my coat, my scarf and mitts. Then I picked up my bag and went to the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked, standing in the entryway, watching me.
"Outside to work off some of this unresolved sexual tension. Outside of sex, I'm a free agent, Drake. I'm not submissive. I can do whatever I please. I'm going to the studio. Then, I might go to my parents. I might go to an art gallery. Who knows?"
"Don't do this, Kate. Don't leave angry."
"See you later," I said, slamming the door behind me.
I felt frustrated but mostly, I felt afraid. I understood that letting the Dom decide when to have sex was part of D/s and that the submissive turned over all those decisions to her Dom, but since Drake found out about Liam, he'd been away most of the day, coming back to the apartment only late in the day. We'd barely had sex. I felt him pulling back, as if he was reverting to his old ways.
I walked to a small park close to the apartment and sat on a bench. Then, I called Lara.
"Problems with Drake?"
"You got it."
I told her how it had been with us. "I feel like he's going back to the way things were before we met. Keeping his emotions so carefully under control."
She sighed on the other end of the call.
"Sounds like typical Dom/sub adjustments. Drake's a bit older. Older men tend to want quality over quantity. It's both physical and psychological. They have more experience, they tend to want to spend more time and they have more stamina. What Drake wants makes sense, though. He wants to channel all your desire and focus it on your scenes so that they're even more intense. It sounds like it's working if you find them really thrilling. But you're chafing a bit under the saddle."
"The saddle? Am I a horse?" I said, smiling despite being frustrated.
She laughed. "Just a useful term. Horses tend to get sores from wearing a saddle for the first time, being ridden often, controlled by their rider. Nothing that other life partners don't face. Don’t make more of it than you need to. Look at this frustrated sexual desire as a gift you give to Drake when you're in scene with him. He enjoys your desire, controlling it, satisfying it. That's his thing, Kate. Not pain. Not humiliation. Getting into your mind and giving you pleasure. It will be that much better for you both if you just give in."
"Now that I have him there in my bed every morning, I want him but I don't get to enjoy him. It's very frustrating."
"Think about how good it will be when you do your scene later. You'll be dying for it and it will be that much better. Seriously, Kate. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Familiarity breeds contempt."