“I thought you were Miss Glory when you came to the store a few nights ago,” Matthew said, looking at Miriam.
She tossed her head back and laughed. “Oh my, no! Your mother is the only Miss Glory around here.” He looked at me, confused; there was so much to talk about. “But your name was Chad or something, wasn’t it?” Miriam asked.
He looked at me. “Chaz. I went by Chaz.”
“Your dad’s middle name?”
He nodded. “Chaz McConnell.”
My maiden name. Although he had been hiding, Matthew managed to keep a part of his family with him. He couldn’t leave everything behind.
I showed him to Erin’s room just before sunrise. By the looks of him I thought he’d sleep for days. I felt like I would, too.
“Our other roommate normally sleeps here,” I said, tossing some of her things into the closet. “But she just had a baby and is with her mom.” I pulled the shade down and kissed him on the cheek. “It’s finally Christmas,” I said, squeezing his hand. It was the first time he’d stood in front of me in the light and I noticed his shoulders, hands, and chest. They were no longer underdeveloped as I remembered. His face had lost the baby fat he used to have and was now covered in stubble; his cheekbones stood out full and strong. It was a man’s face. His father’s eyes looked at me but they didn’t light up the way Walt’s did, and it broke my heart.
“So many times,” he said. He ran his hand over his chin and looked around the room. “I wanted to come home…but couldn’t.” He shuffled his feet and stared at the floor. “I’ve done so many things…” His eyes glistened and he glanced up at the ceiling, clearing his throat. “I just couldn’t come back then. I couldn’t do that to you.”
I grabbed both of his hands. “You could always have come home. No matter what you had done.”
He shook his head. “No. I couldn’t.” Shame is a bully; it likes to hang around, tapping us on the shoulder from time to time; then it pounds us in the face. Matthew had taken a lot of poundings over the years.
I put my hand on the side of his face. “You’ve always been my son. Nothing could ever change that.” I sat on the end of the bed with him. “After you left and your father died I couldn’t wait for some days to be over. I was so lonely and so angry that I’d rant and rave and finally say, ‘I need a new day right now.’ And another day would come and I’d manage to get through it.” I held his hand. “There was always enough mercy to manage.” I turned his face to look at me. “There is always enough mercy to manage.” I kissed his forehead. “You’re home. You are home,” I said, whispering in his ear. He nodded and I prayed that he’d believe it.
“Get some sleep,” I said, and closed the door behind me. The banister held me up as I crept downstairs. In my heart I knew what my son had become and felt sick to my stomach.
Miriam met me in the kitchen. “I was present at a miracle,” she said, handing me a cup of coffee. I sat at the table and felt my muscles turn to butter; every bone and ligament went soft. “It was a miracle, wasn’t it, Gloria?”
“I don’t know,” I said, finding my voice. “If it was a miracle, why am I so scared?”
She knelt in front of me, keeping her voice low. “Because miracles make our knees buckle and our palms sweat. They leave our heads spinning and our hearts racing. If miracles didn’t make us feel like jumping up and down one second and vomiting the next, then it’d be just another day.” She stopped and smiled. “And this was not just another day, Gloria.”
Stephanie was out of state with her family visiting her husband’s brother when I called the next morning. From her brother-in-law’s phone she was able to conference in my other two sons. I was hoarse and exhausted after I finished talking with them.
Heddy screamed when I called her. She dropped the phone and ran to get Dalton. I heard her hollering through the house, followed by muffled dialogue as she described details of the night to Dalton. “Hello,” I said, yelling into the phone. More conversation followed and Heddy got louder the longer she talked. “Hello!” I screamed. She made me laugh as I listened, pressing the earpiece close to my ear.
The phone rattled and thumped on the other end before Heddy picked it up again, breathless. “Hello? Gloria?” She heard me laughing and I could envision her slapping her head.
We talked about Carla and her situation and decided that it wouldn’t be enough if she just changed the locks on her apartment doors. If Thomas wanted in he’d figure out a way to get past the locks. Heddy suggested that Carla and Donovan stay with them until Carla could find another place to live. Donovan would stay with them until Carla got out of the hospital.