She stood still and surveyed everything that was there. “Where’s the angel?” she said, moving tinsel and bulbs out of the way. “Where is she?” I helped her look and we discovered her at the bottom of a bag full of garland. Emily pulled her out of the bag and held her up, looking at the angel dressed in flowing white with gold trim and long blond hair. A scowl came across her face. “That’s not what she looks like,” she whispered, setting the angel down. She was disappointed.
“We’ll go out and get another angel,” I said.
She looked at me and didn’t say anything. It had been so long since we’d had a child in the house that I was uncomfortable and I was afraid that Emily sensed it. “How about we eat first and then we can decorate the tree?”
She followed me into the kitchen and I poured her a half glass of juice. I pulled out the two eggs and a skillet. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d made scrambled eggs but with the exception of overcooking them a bit they turned out okay. I set a piece of toast on Emily’s plate and watched as she ate. She reached for her juice and knocked it over. It spilled off the top of the island onto the floor and I jumped, reaching for a towel. I wiped up the floor and grabbed a handful of paper towels for the side of the island; it was splattered with wet marks. Emily looked stricken and I realized my reaction had been too much. After all, it was just a little juice. What was wrong with me?
I smiled at her. “It’s okay,” I said, throwing the paper towels away. “Not a big deal at all.”
She didn’t believe me.
“Would you like more juice?”
She nodded and I poured the rest of the juice into her glass.
“Where’s your husband?” she asked, moving the food around on her plate. She didn’t look at me. In fact, since I’d picked her up she’d looked me in the eyes only once.
“He should be driving home from work,” I said. I realized I hadn’t called Mark to tell him about Emily.
“Where does he work?”
“He flies airplanes.”
“My friend Alex flies airplanes, too.”
“Really? Well, Alex and Mark will have to get together!”
She nodded and took a bite of egg. She saw a picture of Sean on the kitchen counter. “Is he at college now?”
“No.”
She took a bite of toast. It was so quiet in the house that I could hear her chew. “Does he live here?”
“No.”
She moved the food around on her plate before taking another bite. She still wasn’t looking at me.
“Will he be here to decorate the Christmas tree?”
“No.”
“Will he be here for Christmas?”
“No.”
“He’s not coming home?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s in heaven.”
FOUR
Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out.
—Vaclav Havel
Sean was a sophomore in college when he died. He was going to drive home on December 23, the last day of classes, and would be here for three weeks but he changed his plans when he learned Mark’s schedule had changed and he had to work on the 23rd and 24th for a pilot who was in the hospital. “Since Dad has to work I’d rather come home the next day,” he said. “Dr. Tamblyn said that if I want to work helping set up the new equipment in the media lab that he’ll pay me the same kind of money professionals get. He asked me and another guy in class because he thinks we’re his best students.”
I didn’t want him to wait another day to come home but I could hear the excitement in his voice. “I wonder if maybe your professor could set everything up when you return after the New Year?”
“No, Mom. He needs all this set up before everybody gets back. We can have nearly everything installed on the twenty-third and twenty-fourth.”
I sighed. I really wanted him to come home on the 23rd but one more day wouldn’t make that big of a difference.
“What time will you be here on the twenty-fourth?
“By nine o’clock at the latest.” Mark’s flight landed at ten so that meant I’d be alone on Christmas Eve. I hated it but I knew Sean really wanted to do this.
“Okay, just keep me up to date.”
I used those two days to finish cleaning the house, get all the grocery shopping done, and start baking. Mom and Dad and Richard and his family were coming over for Christmas for the very first time. Usually we spent Christmas at my parents’ or Mark’s parents’ house. I baked a German chocolate cake and chocolate pecan pie before realizing that neither Richard nor Dad liked nuts. I made a batch of peanut butter fudge. Surely that was more than enough to satisfy every sweet tooth in the house. Just to be certain I started a batch of sugar cookies when Girl wanted out. I walked outside with her and was away from the phone for only a few minutes. When I filled Girl’s water dish I saw the flashing light on the answering machine. It was Sean.