The Certainty of Violet & Luke(71)

Tears sting my eyes as emotions prick inside me but I let them come because I know that eventually they calm down and I’ll survive through it. ‘Things haven’t been so easy for me, mostly because of my own doing. I guess that’s what I’ve learned over the last few months … Lana told me that’s what I was supposed to do here,’ I mutter. ‘Admit what I’ve learned – how I’ve healed.’ I pause, gathering all the strength I have in me. I have to glance over my shoulder at Luke in his truck and that gives me the extra boost I need. ‘What I’ve learned is that I wasn’t just pushing myself toward death. That I put a wall up around myself to keep me away from everyone, so I wouldn’t have to feel anything because no one can hurt you if they don’t know you, right? That was my motto in life. I think it partly came from being passed through foster family after foster family, but some of it stemmed from the fact that I experienced a loss so great that I never wanted to feel it again.’

I start to choke up and the letters on the headstone become blurry, beginning to melt away. ‘But I’m getting better. I can’t take all the credit, though. I’ve got some great friends and a boyfriend who help me every single day. I’m even going to a therapist. It’s crazy, but for once things actually feel okay.’ I raise my wrist and pull back my sleeve, showing that I have the bracelet with Sempre on it. ‘I’ve been doing a little research and found out that you guys went to Italy for your honeymoon because dad has a little bit of Italian in him. I’m not sure how mom got the bracelet exactly, but I’d like to think that you gave it to her while you were there. It seems like such a nice story.’ I lower my hand to my lap and let the tears pour out, knowing that my story will always be just a story, that I’ll never know for sure, but that there’s nothing I can do about that but accept it and hold onto what I do have – my life.

With tears still flowing from my eyes, I lean forward and press my hand to my mother’s headstone. ‘I do miss you … God, I miss you …’ The tears flood my eyes, overpowering me. My initial reaction is to force them back, stop them, but it’s why I’m here. Live and learn. I move my hand to my father’s next and start to sob. ‘I wish you could be here to meet everyone … I wish a lot of things … but I guess that’s another thing that I’ve learned. Wishes are just wishes. Destiny is just destiny. And neither really has control over your life. Shit happens, shapes our lives, but it doesn’t have to shape who we are. And I’m trying now, to be a daughter you can both be proud of.’ I suck in another breath and say the last thing I need to say. ‘I love you both. I’ll love you forever.’

I let myself cry until my tears become frozen to my eyes, until the sadness in my heart shifts to contentment, then I get up and make my way back to the truck, wiping the tears from my eyes.

‘Are you okay?’ Luke asks as I hop in and shut the door.

I give one last look at the cemetery and then turn to him. ‘You know what, I really, really I am.’ I can’t help myself. I lean over and kiss him because in the end, it’s all I need. Just Luke and I, and the certainty of our future.





Epilogue


Two years and one month later…





Luke


‘This scarf smells like cheese,’ I say, biting back a laugh. Please, let me take it off before the smell gets stuck in my nostrils.’

‘Still not taking it off,’ he says, clearing amused with himself.

I’ve been cracking jokes left and right for the last hour to entertain myself, since Luke won’t tell me where we’re driving to. It’s driving me crazy; Christmas day, a spontaneous trip for which I have to be blindfolded the entire time. What the hell? Yeah, that was pretty much my response when I opened my present and there was the little piece of paper which he’d put in the box with the scarf. It wasn’t a good a present as last year, but I’m assuming it’s because our whole ‘seize the holiday’ motto is starting to die down.

‘Pretty please.’ I clasp my hands together and give him my best begging look.

He chuckles. ‘No way.’

Dammit. It’s the eyes that always win him over. That’s why this isn’t working – because he can’t see my eyes.

Sighing, I give up and sit back in the seat, enduring the last half an hour in eager anticipation, listening to a tape that I know is labeled with my name.

Finally the truck stops and I hear him put it in park. I wait for him to tell me to take off the blindfold, but instead all I hear is him switching tapes, then he gets out of the truck.