Stopping at a streetlight, Luca looked up and saw the Brooks Express Shipping building just ahead. Gavin would be expecting an update, so he might as well go on in and give it to him directly. Maybe he'd have a suggestion on how to make it up to Claire after everything he'd said and done.
In the lobby, he dialed Gavin and waited for his answer.
"Do you realize you've called me three times in the past month or so? I'm starting to feel special."
Luca sighed. "I'm in your lobby. Are you in?"
"I am. I've got a meeting in a half hour, but for now, I'm all ears."
Luca took the elevator up to the floor where Gavin's office was. He waved at his receptionist, blowing past her desk and into Gavin's office before she could stop him.
Gavin turned from his computer with an expectant look on his face. "So? Can your boys swim?"
Luca had to laugh at the way his friend phrased such a delicate question. "Yes, they can. They won't be winning any medals, but they can make it across the pool."
"Congratulations! Sit down." Gavin pointed to his guest chair as he got up from his own. "This calls for a celebration." He wandered over to his wet bar and poured two glasses of dark honey colored liquor.
Luca sat, eyeing his friend's desk. It was decorated with photographs from his wedding to Sabine, him holding his daughter, Beth, for the first time, all four of them on a plane, then on a beach. It made Luca want that. He wanted to litter his desk with family photos. But something kept holding him back.
Gavin carried the glasses back to the desk and handed one to Luca. Frowning at his friend, he said, "What's the matter? You look less than enthusiastic about the news."
Luca sipped the drink and winced at how strong it was. He wasn't much for Scotch, especially after overdoing it the other night. "I'm happy. Really, I am. But knowing the truth makes my fight with Claire that much worse. I've got to get her back somehow, but I don't know if she'll forgive me after what I said."
"Do you love her?" Gavin asked.
Luca nodded without hesitation. He hadn't actually thought about it, but the minute Gavin asked, the answer popped into his head as clear as day. Claire was unlike any woman he'd ever met. Since the day of their fight, he'd walked around with an aching hole in his chest. He missed her. He missed Eva. Now he even missed their baby growing inside her. He hadn't been around to take Claire to the doctor, listen to Eva's heartbeat or supply her with her strange cravings the first time. If he didn't get this fixed, he would lose his second chance at having the full fatherhood experience.
"I am madly, desperately in love with her, Gavin." Saying the words aloud made him feel better and worse at the same time.
"Okay." Gavin's brows knit together in thought. "So tell me why you're in my office telling me this instead of on Claire's doorstep telling her?"
Luca supposed he could go to the museum right now and track her down, but he still had reservations. "It's not that simple. I've never let myself feel this deeply for anyone before. I always felt like I was a broken toy that no one would want, so I never even let myself have the dream of something like that."
Gavin just shook his head. "You're a fool, is what you are. You're a successful guy. You're handsome enough."
"Thanks," Luca said dryly.
"My point is that you're a great catch. Even with one testicle."
Luca ignored his friend's jesting slight. "I'm not a catch. I'm a time bomb. So what if I tell Claire I love her? What if she forgives me and we get married and have the baby together? What if I do all that and my cancer comes back? She's already been a widow once. I can't be responsible for her going through that a second time."
"You can't live your whole life waiting to die, man. You've got to get out there and start living. Anything can happen to any one of us. I could get hit by a cab or have an aneurism and drop dead at my desk with no warning at all. You've been in remission a long time. Stop letting your former illness hold you back. If you don't go to her, you've virtually left her a widow anyway-she's raising your children alone."
"And what if she'd rather be alone than be with me?"
"Then that is her choice. You can't make other people's decisions for them. I went years without Sabine because she decided we weren't a good fit. I never would've let her walk out that door if it had been my choice. But you've at least got to give her the opportunity to choose."
Gavin was right. Luca knew he was right. He just had to take all these old anxieties and put them aside. If the cancer came back, it came back. At least this time he would have Claire and the children to give him a reason to fight even harder.
He still didn't think he could march up to her and get a warm reception, however. He needed to open with a grand gesture. Not just jewelry or another flashy gift. It had to be something that would mean more than anything to her.
There was nothing in the world more important to Claire than Eva. Luca knew what he had to do. Taking another burning sip of his drink, he reached for his phone and called his lawyer.
* * *
Claire climbed the stairs of her brownstone with a heavy heart and even heavier limbs. She wasn't very far along in this pregnancy, but it was already wearing her out. That, combined with a return to her routine after a month away, left her thoroughly exhausted.
Yes, that was it. It wasn't the crushing oppression of heartache that was slowing her down.
Opening the front door, she found Daisy and Eva playing on the floor in the living room. Her nanny immediately stood and went over to give Claire a hug. "Hey, Mama. How did the doctor's appointment go?"
Claire reached into her purse and pulled out the roll of sonogram pictures. There wasn't much to see, just a blurry little blob that looked something like a jelly bean. The first time she'd seen that image of Eva, her heart had nearly exploded with love and excitement. She and Jeff were finally going to be parents. This time the sight just made her sad. She would adore this baby, she had no doubt, but she couldn't help but think that she was once again having a child without a father around to love it the way it deserved to be loved. Was a mother's love enough? She hoped so.
Daisy snatched the photos out of her hand and gave a little squeal of excitement. "Congratulations. This is so exciting. I can't believe after how hard you worked to have Eva that you could get pregnant so easily."
Claire nodded absently, but she wasn't really listening. For the past week and a half, she'd been almost sleepwalking through her days. She certainly wasn't sleeping at night. She couldn't concentrate. All that ran through her mind again and again were the horrible things Luca had said to her.
"So I was thinking if we coated Eva in some flour, we could pan fry her and she'd come out with a nice crispy crust."
"Sounds good," Claire said automatically.
"Claire!" Daisy shouted in consternation. "You're not listening at all."
"I am," she argued.
"And what did you just agree to?"
Claire sighed and shook her head. "I have no idea."
"Sit down," Daisy demanded, pointing toward the couch.
She didn't feel like arguing, so she did as she was told. Daisy sat beside her, Eva playing with soft blocks on the floor in front of them.
"Just a tip, you might not want to agree to anything while you're in this state," Daisy said. "Now tell me what's going on? This isn't plain ol' pregnancy brain, is it?"
Claire opened her mouth to answer, but before she could say a word, the tears rushed to her eyes and all that came out was a strangled sob. Daisy hugged her to her chest, letting her get all the pain and heartache out of her system. It took several minutes and a soaked-through blouse, but eventually Claire was able to sit up, wipe her eyes and tell her sad tale.
"He doesn't believe the baby is his. I don't know how he could say that. I've spent the past month alone with him. Whose baby could it be?"
"I think he'll come around," Daisy said, holding her hand reassuringly. "Like you said, it sounds to me like he's spent too many years thinking that it could never happen. To believe he's the father means that everything he knows is wrong. If he's thrown away the past ten years of his life, too afraid to fall in love and disappoint his wife, it's got to be a serious blow. It's easier to push you away with angry accusations than to face the fact that he was too chicken to find out if he was sterile all this time."