When he was about fifteen and the only boy in the class never to have kissed
a girl he forced little Joanna Black up against the wall and kissed her in front of everyone just to prove that he could. He had hated himself for it. Not only because he had hurt Joanna Black and sent her running into the classroom sobbing with the force of a woman robbed of her virginity, but because he hadn’t liked it. It hadn’t felt right. The boys patted him on his back with admiration. Joanna Black was one of the prettiest girls in the school. But the hot rush of pride to his head had been quickly replaced by a burning shame that tugged at his conscience. Joanna Black never spoke to him again. Even when he saw her in the grocery shop years later, she still stuck her nose up and stalked out without so much as a glance. He had tried to apologize, but it felt silly apologizing for something that had happened so long ago.
In the sixties, when Toby was a teenager, he had more ‘girlfriends’ than any other boy in Polperro. Girls adored him. He was funny, enjoyed gossip and intrigue, treated them with respect and was never nervous with them or too shy to say what he thought. He was attractive in an endearing way with those lucid eyes that assured them he understood them better than other boys. His large smile was honest and his kind face approachable. They all loved him and yet he never loved them in the way they longed for him to love them.
The sea was an escape for Toby when he wanted to avoid the boys in the pub discussing girls and how far they’d got. He would sail out into the salty mists where he could be himself, where he didn’t have to conform to anything. He remembered his mother’s advice, but he couldn’t make a feature out of homosexuality without offending the entire town. He had known he was gay from a very early age, but homosexuality was vehemently outlawed by their sheltered society and Polperro was too small to hide in. So, in 1967, at the age of eighteen, he chose to leave Polperro and look for work in London. His parents hadn’t understood why he needed to go off and work in London, there was plenty of work locally for an intelligent young man like Toby. His father wanted him to work with him making windows and doorframes but Toby couldn’t explain that he winced at the very idea of cutting magnificent trees into little pieces. He couldn’t explain so he didn’t. He just packed his bags and left. His mother was devastated, his father angry. ‘You sweat blood to bring them up and then the ungrateful sods leave without so much as a thank you,’ he growled. By that time Helena was travelling the world with Ramon. Jake and Polly found themselves more alone than when they had first married, because they knew what it was like to have the house filled with the laughter of their
children. Now all they had left were echoes, which were louder than the silence had been in those pre-children days.
It had taken years for Toby to find a job. Not because he wasn’t employable - he had left school at eighteen with good grades - but because he couldn’t find something that he enjoyed doing. As he explained to his parents, ‘If I’m going to be working for the rest of my life it had better be something I love or it’s not worth living.’ They couldn’t help but agree with him, which is why they were confused by his decision to leave Polperro. There were no fishing boats in London, no wide-open sea for him to lose himself in. Toby had tried working in the City but only lasted three weeks. He brushed off his hasty departure with a cheery smile stating simply that he wasn’t cut out for the City. He tried his hand at everything from selling to marketing to designing kitchens. But he soon grew disheartened and behind the smile he presented to his friends as each new failure defeated him lay the frightened soul of a man confused and alienated. He didn’t belong in London, or the City, or the offices of Mayfair. He didn’t belong in the world of married couples and children either. He knew where his world lay, but it might as well have been at the foot of the rainbow for he was too afraid to find it. He longed for his home, for the sea and for the security of that fishing boat hidden in the impenetrable ocean mists. Then one night in a bar he met a flaxen young man called Julian Fable who changed his life for ever. They both had too much to drink, Toby to drown his misery, Julian to give him courage. When they left the bar Julian turned to Toby and, taking his forlorn face in his hands, he kissed him. Suddenly Toby felt an enormous release, as if the shadow he had been was at last covered with a skin that felt comfortable to live in. Finally in 1973, at the age of twenty-four, he returned to Polperro with Julian, complete and contented. They bought a cottage outside Polperro where Julian built a dark room for his photography and Toby bought a boat, which he christened 'The Helena1 and started up his own business taking tourists for rides around the coast, and at last he settled down. He had found himself.