Mariana patted her knee fondly. ‘Oh dear,’ she sighed. ‘I think you’d better go back and tell him how you feel.’
‘The thing is, I didn’t know how I felt. I didn't dare feel anything for him. I think I said that on purpose, hoping to force him to declare his feelings. But he didn’t. He just looked wounded. I can’t bear it. I’m such a monster. I realize now that I do care for him. I care very much. What if I’m too late?’
‘Why would you be?’
‘Because I called his mother,’ she said, lowering her eyes, ‘she said he had gone away to stay with an old girlfriend and didn’t know when he’d be back.’ ‘Surely you don’t believe he could fall in love with someone else so quickly?’
‘I don’t know. Could he?’ Federica asked, eyeing her grandmother hopefully. ‘My dear, love isn’t something you can turn on and off with a tap. It’s not possible. If he loves you he’ll be waiting for you. If he doesn’t, he won’t. And Fede, if he hasn’t waited he’s not worth the lemon in his piscol’
‘What shall I do?’
‘Go back to England.’
‘But I want to be here with you.’
‘Dear girl, Chile isn’t the moon. You just call me when you want to come back and I’ll arrange your ticket, or Ramon will. This isn’t twenty years ago. You’re only fifteen hours away.’ Then she smiled. ‘Perhaps you could bring him with you.’
Federica beamed happily. ‘Oh, Abuelita, I hope so,’ she enthused and embraced her grandmother. Thank you,’ she added seriously, looking into Mariana’s twinkling eyes.
‘No, thank you!’ replied her grandmother, touching her cheek with a gentle
sweep of her old hand. ‘This is the way it should be.’
Chapter 42
Polperro
Helena sat on Toby’s sofa, sharing a packet of chocolate biscuits with Rasta, smarting after her children’s sudden departure to Chile. She munched angrily and imagined their reunion with Ramon and his parents, the beach house in Cachagua and all her memories that lingered there. But by the time she reached the bottom of the packet her thoughts had focused on Arthur and she had barely noticed the digression.
Arthur hadn’t made the slightest effort to communicate with her. Not even during the drama with Hal and their subsequent departure. Not a word. She felt desperately isolated and alone. She missed him. She missed his company and his compassion, but what surprised her most was that little by little she began to miss him for the things that she had previously resented: the jolly way he walked, his enthusiasm and brightness, his round girth and his soft doughy hands. Physically he was nothing like Ramon, but her heart yearned for Arthur and she blamed herself entirely for driving him away.
The last few weeks had been painful as she had slowly weaned herself off
her delusions. The Ramon in her memory wasn’t real. He belonged to a time in the past that had long since dried up and died. She might just as well have been pining for a ghost. All the while she had failed to notice the qualities of the man she had chosen to share her life with, who was real and who needed her. She had been a fool. Like Toby had so wisely said, she never seemed to learn from her mistakes. She was never happy with what she had and only recognized happiness with hindsight. But Arthur had always loved her in spite of her faults. She scrunched up the empty packet and threw it into the fire where it burst into flame and was reduced to ash.
She’d make a new start and this time she’d get it right.
Arthur sat in his office staring out at the blustery street below. It had rained without pause for the last few days, a light drizzle blown about by a vengeful wind. He felt miserable inside, barely able to concentrate on his work, which was unusual as his job had always been an escape from domestic strain. He played about with his pencil, drawing sad faces on his desk notebook. He had told his secretary to take messages; he wasn’t in the mood for telephone calls that might require his concentration. All he could think about was Helena. He
had hoped she might fight to win him back. Sadly he had misjudged her. He had heard nothing but a screaming silence. Had their marriage really meant so little to her?
He stared at the clock on the wall and watched as the second hand ate its way slowly around the face with methodical regularity. The day had dragged. They had all dragged since the night he had locked Helena out of the house. Her cries still resounded in his ears but he didn’t allow himself to feel remorse. He had done the right thing. She hadn’t come back so he was now faced with the bleak reality that she wasn’t ever going to come back. He had to let her go.