Federica sat on the sofa avoiding the holes that revealed the white foam beneath the leather and crossed her legs neatly under her. ‘I can still smell him,’ he continued. This is the only room in the house that literally vibrates with his presence, even now. I come in here and I still feel that he’s alive and about to walk in at any moment and catch me reading in the erotica section.’
‘Don’t tell me Nuno had an erotica section?’ she laughed.
‘Oh, yes. Nuno was a big fan of erotica,’ he replied. ‘But not a big fan of the real thing.’
‘He must have done it once to have produced Ingrid.’
‘Once. Then he put it away for ever.’
‘Really!’ she exclaimed, lowering her eyes because Sam’s had settled on hers and they made her feel uncomfortable. ‘He was a wonderfully colourful person,’ she sighed, changing the subject. ‘I was fortunate to have known him.’ ‘You were, we all were.’ He stood up and started picking up the papers on Nuno’s antique desk. ‘So how come Torquil let you come down?’
‘He wouldn’t want to stop me coming to Nuno’s funeral,’ she replied coolly, hoping he wasn’t going to repeat the speech he gave her at lunch.
‘You’ve barely been back since you got married.’
‘I know.’
‘Still hectic with that time-consuming literature course, I suppose?’
‘I do other courses now,’ she retorted. They take up all my time.’
‘Fede,’ he said seriously, flopping into Nuno’s desk chair and draining his glass. ‘You love Polperro, don’t tell me you don’t miss it?’
‘Of course I do, it’s just that Torquil has a different sort of life, we do other things.’
‘But not to come and visit your family? Family was once everything to you.’ Federica shuffled awkwardly. She didn’t appreciate this sudden attack on the way she had chosen to live her life. ‘Family is everything to me, Sam, but I’m married now,’ she said tightly. ‘Things change. I really don’t want to go into this again.’
‘You’re married, but you’re not happy,’ he said, watching her steadily.
Federica stiffened. So she had put on weight, what of it? ‘How do you know I’m not happy? You’re judging me by your own standards,’ she argued. ‘I don’t want to be sitting down here writing books.’
‘You’d like to be sitting down here taking photographs.’
‘Oh, really,’ she laughed, ‘that was a long time ago, like I told you. I adore
London, I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.’ She watched Sam’s tortured face and wondered why he cared.
‘You’re living in a beautiful shop window. There’s nothing behind it, Fede. If I was worried about you two years ago, I’m even more concerned now.’
‘For goodness’ sake, Sam, this is ridiculous. Why do you care?’
He stood up again and strode over to the window. ‘Because you’re an old friend,’ he said softly, looking out onto the wet garden.
‘Because you kissed me once in the barn.’
‘Because I kissed you once in the barn,’ he repeated with a bitter chuckle. He wanted to add ‘and because I let you go when I should have held on to you’.
‘I care, Fede, because I’ve watched you grow up here. You’re part of my family. From the moment I dragged you out of the lake to those times when you came and cried on my shoulder, I’ve been like an older brother to you. I care about you. For God’s sake, Federica, look at yourself.’ He turned and stared at her with his grey eyes and grey face twisted in anguish. Federica felt her chest constrict and swallowed back her self-pity. ‘Darling, you’re not yourself. He’s changing you. The Fede I know doesn’t wear designer suits with matching handbags. The Fede I know doesn’t cross her legs like the Queen. The Fede I
know doesn’t smile from the nose down. She smiles with her eyes, behind her eyes. She’s like a lovely swan on the lake, but this husband of hers is pulling her under.’
They both stared at each other not knowing where to go from there. Sam gazed at her forlornly, fighting the impulse to gather her into her arms and kiss her again. Only this time he wouldn’t stop, but would go on kissing her for ever.
Federica’s skin prickled with an uncomfortable fervour. She looked at him in confusion while the person she was struggled with the person she had become in an agonizing conflict of wills. Finally a fat tear pushed its way through her restraint as she realized that she didn't know who she was any more.