What did I think about that? I thought it was a crummy but necessary step to keep him safe before I dragged him down with me because I am complete and total whack job, but I didn’t say that.
“I don’t deserve Brandon. It hurts to lose him, but I am glad he has a life away from me. We are no longer a couple. I ended things senior year after I...after...” I cleared my throat, he waited for me to finish.
“After what Jemma?” He pushed.
“After I gave him my virginity and he told me he was in love with me so much he wanted to give up everything to be with me.” I said quickly, ashamed of myself. I could not bear to look at him for fear of seeing judgment in his eyes so I turned away.
He inquired, “You gave yourself to him, he told you he loved you and then you ended things after all of that time? Why would you do that? Tell me how you felt about it.”
I bent over and put my head between my legs.
“I felt unworthy of it all. I felt afraid.” I sat back up forcing myself eye to eye with the doctor who was nodding his head up and down.
“I could not stop thinking about what you said the last time I was here, about Brandon being a crutch and suddenly it felt so true. I just did not want him to give up his life for someone who might have only cared about him because she was weak. He deserved so much better than me. But now, now I am not so sure I am not in love with him, he loves me, it would make sense for me to love him back. Wouldn’t it?”
He sat quietly and pondered for a moment before responding. “And Julian, how does he make you feel?”
I smiled at the thought of Julian. Before we left the apartment Brea had walked in, I had thought she was sleeping but as it turned out she was confronting a very drunk Heather whom she had caught sneaking into the building. Apparently she was staying in one of the units upstairs with her sister. After Brea threatened to make her college life a living hell, Heather confessed and told her Julian had broken it off months ago but she had hoped to win him back, albeit rather unsuccessfully.
“It is pretty hard to explain how he makes me feel without sounding like a weirdo.” I said. He told me to give it a shot.
“I guess you could say I feel like a kid again. Not a kid kid, like… I don’t feel like whipping out Barbie dolls and skipping rope or anything silly like that. He just makes me feel like I am not broken. Like I am a whole person, I feel like I could do anything, like I could even fly if I tried hard enough.” I laughed.
“Interesting. Tell me more?”
There was so much more. I wanted to tell him about the fact Julian was my first real crush. I had known him most of my childhood and even though I was only a little girl I would day dream about white dresses and tuxedos. When Barbie finally got around to her dream wedding, she ended up with one of Nick’s GI Joe dolls. He reminded me of Julian, there was no way Barbie would pick Ken when she had a Julian around. The memories warmed my heart.
“I dunno, I know that I can see my future clear as day. I have never seen my future before. I have always lived in the here and now because you never know what is going to happen in the next second. Julian makes me hopeful for what that next second will bring. Though it all feels kind of silly and unrealistic considering it has been less than a week since we reconnected. I don’t know if it is real or if I have become some crazed sex fiend.”
Dr. Schneider smiled, “So the two of you have been intimate?” I nodded. “Let me see if I am reading you correctly. And I am taking into account several of our past sessions in this summation. I hope I do not run you off again.”
He winked at me then looked down to the pile of papers now sitting on the coffee table in front of us.
“You see Brandon as your protector. That is what your head has designated him to be. When things get rough he puts his arms around you and holds you up. Julian is just the opposite. He is more like your savior; he makes you feel as if you can walk on your own two feet without needing to be held up. Does that sound about right to you?”
Suddenly panic flashes through my mind and body like a lightning bolt. I knew what he was getting at, he was saying the same thing he had said years ago and just like then I cannot control the madness emitting off of me, I cannot breathe. Dr. Schneider senses this and hands me one of the unopened bottles of water sitting in a small wicker basket on the side table. I open it and take a drink hearing his words that plead with me to take a second to find my composure.
“Brandon is my crutch?” I ask.
It was more of a statement than it was a question. The harsh realization that I have been clinging to Brandon for my own selfish needs tore me up inside.