The Birds and the Bees(29)

       
           



       

Oh farts!

She acted out a scene of ‘something in my eye … oooh good, it's gone now' whilst waiting for the inevitable.

‘Sohowryegeinun?' he said, in the mistaken belief that big volume would  make her understand what the hell he was saying. Seeing her look of  utter confusion, he began again slowly, as if he was talking to a daft  old aunt. ‘So how arrre you getting on?'

‘Fine,' she replied. ‘I've just got something in my eye.'

‘Aye, the place is full of flying things.'

She suspected that might have been sarcasm, but he wasn't giving any clues.

‘Any news aboot yoor man?'

‘He's … er … ' Her voice started to wobble and she coughed. ‘He moved in  last night with … er … ' She couldn't have said her name if there was a  million pounds riding on it.

‘So it's time to start a plan of action,' Adam said, after a big gulp.

‘Right,' she replied warily. She rubbed her neck, which was straining  because of the angle it had to achieve to talk to him up there.

He picked up on that and asked, ‘Have ya time for a wee cup o' tea?'

‘Um yes,' said Stevie, following five paces behind him to the coffee  bar, where he grunted something about sitting down at a table (she  thought) and then said something equally incomprehensible to the girl  behind the counter who seemed to understand perfectly. It was obviously a  prerequisite of his staff to be bi-lingual, she concluded. English and  Caveman.

Stevie sat with her hands in the prayer position in between her knees.  She was trembling. It wasn't unlike the sensation of waiting outside the  headmaster's office for a roasting, which she had only had to do the  once, and that was a case of mistaken identity. To be there for a  legitimate reason was bad enough, but to be there when you were innocent  of the crime alleged (apple scrumping) had been terrifying. Fortunately  her case for the defence was believed (‘It couldn't have been me, I've  got a fear of heights and I'd vomit if I climbed a tree'), especially  after it was validated by Miss Crackett, the PE teacher, who had once  been witness to her being sick from the top of the ropes. She was  rightly exonerated, but that experience had left its scar. She had never  been able to abide injustice.

Adam put down two cups of tea and a jug of milk and some sugars on the  table and then sat down opposite to her, blocking out most of the light  from the window behind him like a solar eclipse. He tipped the milk over  hers first but she refused. Likewise the sugar.

Jeez, she doesn't take sugar! he thought.

Jesus, he's got manners! she thought.

Then she remembered he probably had a first-class degree from the  University of Charm and quickly withdrew any thoughts of goodwill.

The tea was molten and burnt her mouth. Adam watched her gasp, gulp, fan  her mouth in barely covered amazement, and asked, ‘Are ye sure ye're  no' a self-harmer?'

‘It was extra hot!' she snapped. ‘Where did it get brewed – hell?'

It wasn't outside the realms of possibility.

‘So have you any ideas whit you'd like to dae next, before I tell ye what I think?' he said.

Stevie shrugged. In truth, she didn't want to do anything but pack up  and escape to some place on the other side of the world. A nice thought  that rocketed up freely, only to be brought down by the weight of  practicalities.

‘We have to sort out money,' she said tentatively. ‘It all happened so fast we didn't get an agreement.'

‘It's okay – if you don't pay, I'll throw you oot,' he said with a smile that didn't quite reach up to his eyes.

Her lungs inflated sharply.

‘S'okay, only joking,' he said, seeing the look of horror flash in her  eyes. ‘I'm no worried aboot aw that, we'll sort that later, really.  It'll give me an excuse to come around to the cottage some time soon and  be seen. Talking of which, have they seen you yet?'

‘No,' said Stevie, shaking her head. ‘I sneaked my car into the garage  and I've only used the back door when I've gone out anywhere.'

‘Guid – sorry – good. Now, let me think.' He stroked the red stubble coming  through even though he had only shaved a few hours earlier, and stared  up into space as if hoping to see the answer materialize there in front  of him.

‘We have to leave them a tantalizing trail of crumbs. They have to  realize that you're living there before he knows there's anything going  on between us two. Not that there is,' he added sharply.                       
       
           



       

Like she'd have jumped in and blushed and giggled and tried to correct him!

‘So here's what I think,' Adam went on. ‘Did you get a forwarding order for your post?'

‘No, not yet. I-'

‘Paarrrfect,' said Adam. ‘Now, here's what I want you to do … '





Chapter 24




‘Darling, where's the iron?' Jo called upstairs to Matthew, now alone in  the bath that they had been sharing until five minutes ago.

‘Under the stairs with the ironing board. Sorry, darling, didn't you hear me?'

‘Yes, I know you said that, darling, but it isn't there.'

Matthew heaved himself out of the bath and into his robe to go and check  for her. He padded downstairs, leaving bubbly footprints, and poked his  head inside the cupboard, where Jo was waiting and gesticulating like  an airhostess demonstrating a safety procedure.

‘But it's always there,' he said, scratching his damp head.

‘Stevie will have taken it, won't she?' said Jo, shaking her own damp  head whilst smiling with some annoyance. ‘Like she took your microwave  and any towel that was half-decent.'

‘Oh yes … er … she might have. It was a big fancy thing. She only bought it a couple of weeks ago.'

‘Gr-eat,' said Jo. ‘So what do I use now? Please tell me you've got a spare.'

‘Look,' said Matthew, who thought she looked uber-sexy in sulk-mode,  ‘we'll pick up one tomorrow. You've got stacks of other clothes you can  wear,' which, incidentally, had taken up her side of the wardrobe and  half of his and they would still have to buy another at some point. If  he managed to find some space on a Visa, that was.

‘I haven't anything that's pressed though. Aw, I really wanted to wear that dress, too,' Jo pouted.

‘I wanted you to wear that dress, too, darling,' said Matthew, moving in  for a long, slow kiss. She had worn it the first time they had made  love in Stevie's car. It had very happy memories for him and he was  hoping for an action replay in the back of his Punto on the way home  from the restaurant.

‘Okay, I'll find something else,' she sighed. ‘I can't blame Stevie for taking a little revenge. I'm only glad it wasn't more.'

‘Put anything on. We're only going out for something to eat at  Giovanni's, not the Ritz,' he laughed and tweaked her gorgeously cute  nose.

‘Matthew Finch, I shall always look my best even if we are eating fish and chips out of newspaper on a park bench.'

Matthew wished they were. He had just paid fifty quid off his credit  card and he was going to be loading another hundred on. Did they really  need to celebrate their first full day of living together by spending so  much?

‘We could stay in and eat each other,' he suggested, which he would prefer, financial reasons or no financial reasons.

‘No, I want to see and be seen – with you, obviously,' she said, smiling a  smile that would melt him into spending every last penny he didn't  have. Did life really get any better than this? Then his mobile rang.

He was in such a dreamlike state that he never checked the caller ID and clicked straight onto answer.

‘Hello, Matthew Finch.'

‘Hello, Matthew, it's Stevie.'

Damn!

‘Oh hi, Stevie,' he said, tightening. Jo mouthed, ‘What does she want?'  to which Matthew shrugged innocently as if he had just been accused of  something.

‘Sorry to bother you, it's just a quick call. It's about my post.'

‘Oh of course, your post,' he said aloud for Jo's benefit.

‘I have informed people of my new address, but just in case any stray letters slip through the net … '

‘Course, I'll forward them to you,' he said, butting in, anxious to get  her off the line. Jo was looking distinctly territorial and it was  making him nervous, and slightly horny too. He grabbed a pen and  notepad. ‘Okay, give me your new address and I'll post them on.'

‘Er … well … there's no need,' said Stevie.

Hell, she wants to call and get them, he thought, and quickly jumped in to head her off at the pass.

‘No trouble at all. So where are you?'

‘That's what I'm trying to tell you,' said Stevie. ‘You can just pop  them through the letterbox if you wouldn't mind.' She took a huge breath  to prepare herself for dropping the bombshell. ‘I'm in the cottage  across the street.'