Back before Xavier’d been born and made everything worse.
He looked away from the photo and turned around, staring around the massive space.
He’d spent two days looking over the place and talking with the manager, going over the financials with a fine-toothed comb and examining the livestock. The ranch as a whole was in dire need of attention, but it wasn’t the lost cause his father or his brothers apparently seemed to think it was. All it needed was a healthy injection of cash and some close managing to get things on the straight and narrow, nothing that six months of hard work wouldn’t help.
Which meant he should be feeling ecstatic that he was finally here and that he was finally doing something worthwhile. Finally making his mother proud instead of causing her pain.
Except . . . he didn’t feel ecstatic. He felt like he had a giant hole in his chest where someone had ripped out his heart.
Even two days of busying himself every hour of the day so he didn’t have time to think hadn’t helped. The pain was still there and it was still raw.
No matter how many times he’d told himself it was for the best, leaving Mia had felt like leaving a part of himself behind.
He stared at the massive bearskin rug in front of the fire, and all he could think of was how she would have loved this. How she would have loved curling up on that rug in front of the fire, and how he would have loved curling up there with her. How he would have loved teaching her how to ride then taking her out with him over the hills, showing her all the favorite haunts he’d had when he’d been a boy spending his summers here.
It was winter now, so there wasn’t a lot of riding to be had, but he still would have loved showing her around. And then taking her to bed at night and holding her while the snow fell and the cold bit deep . . .
No, he couldn’t be thinking about that. Sure, he would have loved to have her here, but leaving her in New York was the best thing he could have done. To start with, she was safe there, and he’d made sure she had everything she needed. Her documents would have arrived by now, and the contact he’d hired would have gotten in touch with her to start the process of looking for an apartment.
It was a good thing. A very good thing.
And leaving without saying good-bye? Was that a good thing?
His chest hurt like a bastard and he felt cold—even the heat from the fire in front of him didn’t warm him.
Okay, so leaving like that hadn’t been ideal, but he’d had to. Because he knew that if she’d tried to convince him to take her with him, he would have. All his resolutions would have crumbled, and he would’ve bundled her into the company jet and never let her out of his sight again.
And that couldn’t happen. She had to stay where she was, be safe in New York.
Christ, why was he thinking about this anyway? He was finally here, at Blue Skies, where he’d longed to be for years. He should be thinking about his plans for the place, not yearning for a woman he shouldn’t have.
Xavier turned back to the photos on the mantel, staring at the picture of his mother. At the smile on her face. The kind of smile he’d never seen on her in real life, because in New York she’d never smiled. She certainly had never smiled at him like that. And no wonder. He’d been a tearaway, always getting into trouble, always causing her grief. Always making her life so much more difficult.
Which was why he was here, trying to make it better.
The thought should have been reassuring but somehow wasn’t, and he found himself moving restlessly away from the fire, back to the low coffee table that had been carved from a giant tree trunk. On it was a tumbler of vodka, which he picked up and knocked back. The alcohol burned his throat, burned all the way down his esophagus, and sat burning in his gut. Making him feel even worse.
He stared blindly at the flames, his thoughts circling relentlessly back to Mia again. Was she okay? Had she gotten those documents? Had she managed to find herself an apartment? Perhaps he should call his contact, just to be sure.
He’d been trying to resist the temptation, because he was supposed to be concentrating his efforts on the ranch, but clearly he wasn’t going to be able to really settle in until he knew everything was okay with Mia.
So he dug into his back pocket and pulled out his phone, punching in the number of the contact whom he’d put in charge of helping Mia. He took forever to answer and when he did, it felt like someone had not only ripped Xavier’s heart out of his chest, but was stomping on the pieces in front of him. Because the contact didn’t know where Mia had gone. She’d vanished from Xavier’s apartment the day Xavier had left and no one had seen her since.
His hands shook as he ended the call, blind panic curling through his veins.