The Billionaire's Virgin(58)

“Oh, Xavier . . .”

A terrible sympathy had entered her expression, and he had to glance away from it. “I was sixteen. A couple of days before it happened, she’d organized this massive Christmas party out at our place in the Hamptons and had invited all the big society families. She hated New York, never felt at home here, but she tried for my Dad’s sake and this party was supposed to be part of it.”

He slid his hands over Mia’s ass, needing to touch her, to fit her more closely against him all of a sudden. But he still couldn’t look at her. “I was a hell-raiser. I wasn’t very good at behaving or obeying rules, and that night I was supposed to be good. I tried. But DS Corp had only just released a new gun and there were some guys my age at the party who wanted to try it out, and I . . . didn’t think.”

It shouldn’t be hard to say, not when it had happened so long ago, and yet it was. “I got the gun out of the safe and set up a shooting range with bottles in the garden. I didn’t think it would be a problem. But there was a girl, the daughter of some major business contact of Dad’s, and she got hit in the leg. It was a big deal, and the ambulance was called, and Mom’s party was ruined.” He closed his eyes, because even now, even after so many years, the memory hurt. “Mom went completely apeshit on me. Told me how important this was to her and that I’d ruined it. And then she went on about how I never think things through and I always end up doing the one thing that hurts her the most. That if I loved her, I wouldn’t do the things I did.”

Mia was quiet, her warm hands resting on his chest like twin sunbeams.

“I told her I was sorry, that I tried, and that the next time I would try harder. But there was no next time.” He turned his head, made himself look at her. “She killed herself a couple of days later.”

That terrible sympathy was in Mia’s eyes and it made him feel worse, but he didn’t glance away. Because it was a kind of punishment to bear it. “It’s not your fault,” she said after a moment. “You know that, don’t you?”

Of course he did. “Yeah. I mean, I didn’t make her take those pills or force the vodka on her. But . . .” He stopped.

“But what?”

“If I’d been more careful. If I hadn’t gotten out that gun. If I’d just fucking thought about what I was doing a bit more, then maybe . . .” He stopped again, hating the lost note in his voice. “Whatever, I’m not ‘amazing,’ Mia. I’m just a guy who fucks up a lot, and sometimes the consequences of that are pretty bad.”

She frowned at him, silent for a moment. “So all that you’ve done for me. Giving me a hat, a knife. Giving me food and shelter. A warm bed and a bath. And all of that for nothing. That’s not amazing?”

His chest ached. “Those are just—”

“Those are just what? Not a big deal? Nothing important?” The stars in her eyes glittered. “Well, fuck you, because actually, they’re a pretty big deal to me.”

“I didn’t mean that.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“I break things, Mia. I screw things up. I’m careless, I don’t think, I hurt—”

“Do I look hurt to you, Xavier? Do I look broken?” Her hands were almost pushing him, the expression on her face fierce. “No. Because I’m not. I have food and shelter and clothing. Because of you. Because you’re amazing. So don’t try to tell me you’re not.”

He wanted to deny it, wanted to tell her she was wrong, but how could he? When she put it like that? “I don’t know if I deserve that,” he said instead. “I mean, I’ve been trying hard not to screw up, but—”

“No, don’t say that.” She gave him a sharp, piercing look. “I felt for a long time that I deserved what I got, because Gran kept telling me that Mom left because of me. Then you told me that what I deserved was something more. And I believed you.” She took a breath. “But if you don’t believe you deserve anything, then how can I believe that I do?”

A shock went through him. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Maybe not. But these aren’t small things to me. They’re my life. You’re giving me a home, Xavier. You’re giving me everything I ever wanted. And I don’t care what you think, I think that’s amazing right there.”

Jesus. He hadn’t truly thought of how much this would mean to her.

No, but then you never do.

His jaw went tight. “One day, I’ll screw up, Mia. I’ll hurt you. At some point, at some time, I’ll hurt you.”