It was me who would carry this torment on my shoulders forever.
Shuddering, I shook my head and threw myself from the bed as though I were trying to leap away from my pain, wincing as my bare toes scraped the icy coolness of the wooden floor.
The air was changing here, even on the coast. Every day was just a bit more chilly. Lucas loved this weather, he loved watching the leaves change and the first blustery days of snow. His excitement was never more than the first day he got to break out our woolen sweaters.
I’d never understood his happiness for the cooler weather, and I never would again. I couldn’t enjoy it without him. I felt as though I couldn’t enjoy anything without him. I was a hollow shell of a person. These last six months had left me devoid of any feeling inside of me, except for the lingering tremors of guilt and pain that I so deserved.
I ran my hands over the few scant blouses and slacks I’d purchased once I’d moved cross country. I had taken very little of my old life with me. New clothes, new home, new shoes. Anything to get a little distance.
Lucas and I had never been wealthy. I’d been in college for music when he and I first met. His own major was high school education. He’d come every day and listen to me practice piano piece after piece, bobbing his head with the tunes of my playing.
By the time we’d graduated, I’d fallen in love with him and his passion for helping others. We were married a year after that. It was in the fall, as today was. I did my best not to remember the day.
Our marriage had only lasted six months before I lost him. I hadn’t touched a piano since then.
His students were as devastated as I was. I remember watching them, each dressed not in black but in bright purple – Lucas’s favorite color. Their tear streaked faces never turned away from my husband’s casket.
They tried to comfort me, but I couldn’t bear to look at them. I had stolen their beloved teacher from them. I had stolen from the world a man who would make mountains of differences in the hearts of young people.
Hastily, I cleared my throat as I buttoned up the white blouse I’d selected for my first day on the job. It was only as I was sliding into black slacks that I realized my wardrobe lacked any color at all. Even the new cardigan I’d purchased was storm cloud grey.
With a listless shake of my head, I slid my feet into comfy black flats and headed downstairs and out of my small apartment. I hugged my sweater closer to my body, cool air whipping my long hair around my shoulders.
There were few people out and about this morning. They were already warm in their offices.
I’d been lucky to land a job soon after arriving in the city.
An old friend from college, who had no doubt heard of the circumstances that brought me here, had quickly extended the invitation. He worked here, in one of the tall skyscrapers that seemed to vanish into the grey fall clouds.
I didn’t know how he’d gotten me the job, and I certainly didn’t care.
“It’s tough work.” Eric had said over the phone when I’d called him two weeks ago, “Our boss expects nothing short of the best.”
I was ready for hard work, I was ready to lose myself in papers and files. I was ready to be so exhausted at the end of the day that I could finally sleep without dreaming of my husband’s face and of the sound of screeching tires.
“I’ll do it.” I’d whispered hurriedly, hanging up the phone before my mother could come around the corner and see me plotting my departure.
Soon after that, I was on the plane. My very first plane ride, actually. It wasn’t as scary as I always imagined it to be. Or perhaps I no longer felt fear as I once did.
Tucking my hair behind my ear carefully, I paused in front of a gleaming, tall redbrick building. I checked the address hurriedly, casting a glance at my ticking watch.
212 Fifth Ave. This was it. My new home away from home.
As my fingers brushed the cool metal rail of the entrance way, a new feeling fluttered through my stomach.
Nervousness? I was nervous. I could have almost chuckled at the way the butterflies inside my tummy tumbled. It’d been so long since I felt anything but aching hurt.
Shaking my head, I sighed, pushing open the door and stepping into the warm air of the office. I could hear the clicking of computer keyboards, soft muted garbling over telephones, and the occasional chuckle.
What did it feel like, I wondered, as though I were an alien on a new planet, to laugh so carelessly?
Hesitantly, I padded forward down the hall, peeking around corners. Eric hadn’t given me any direction for where I should go or who I should meet. I wasn’t even entirely sure what kind of business this office was used for.
“Caroline Davie?”