When he was done, he pulled the showerhead closer and rinsed it off. I just stood there, shaking, frozen in place. I could cry all I want, he wouldn’t be able to see under the shower anyway.
He took his hands off me and I heard him plop down on something. It took me a while to turn around and see what he was doing. He was slumped over on a stool, his head between his hands, looking defeated.
“Dom?” I managed to say.
He brushed his hands through his hair again and wiped his eyes. They were red and swollen, just like mine.
Dominic looked up at me and held up his hands, his arms wide and open. He tugged me forward and pulled me into an awkward embrace. His head rested on my belly, his arms around my back. I didn’t know what to do.
Something deeply troubled him and I didn’t know if it was because of what he did to me or if it was something else. He seemed broken. Lost.
“I’m sorry,” he said again and he rubbed his cheeks up and down against my skin. “I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. Not so fast. Not like that.”
I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing when he said that.
“I was just doing what I loved. I wanted to go jog and you weren’t supposed to be home yet …” I muttered, sniffing in between.
“I know. It’s okay.”
“You hurt me, Dom. It. hurts.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so harsh on you.”
“What is wrong with you?” I cried out.
He was silent for a moment. His finger brushed away a tear that rolled down his cheeks. I had trouble not to feel. He’d hurt me, but now he was crying and I couldn’t take seeing him like this, even after what he’d done.
“I’m a monster …”
“Why? Why do you have to be like that? Why can’t it just be love? I know you like spanking and I like it too, but that … that was totally different. That was crude and I feared for my life.” I clenched my hands into fists. Anger boiled up inside.
“Don’t …” Dominic took my hand and brushed his own skin with it, pecking it softly in between. “Don’t be afraid of me, please. I never wanted that.”
“Then what do you want? What do you want from me? Why do you ask me to come here, to be in some sort of relationship in you, if you know I want more than that? I need love. I need commitment. I thought I could get both from you. I thought you were looking for that too, eventually. You said you needed a partner. Instead I feel like a whore who’s just here for your entertainment.”
He pushed me forward and looked me straight in the eye. “You are not! Don’t ever say that about yourself!” His voice was coarse and heavy with emotion.
“Then what am I to you? You are barely here, I can’t get to know you, yet you think you can control my every move. Why do you want to do that?”
“It’s part of the Dom and sub relationship, you know that,” he snapped. “You read and signed the agreement yourself. We had a deal. You’d get money, I’d get you. You wanted more and didn’t take the money. Not my fault it’s not turning out the way you wanted …” The moment the words had spat out he was already looking at the floor again. His eyes rolled back as he let out an annoyed sigh and then closed his eyes, slapping himself across the forehead.
I took a step back. “How can you say that? How can you be so cruel?”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m stupid, okay?” Dominic palmed his face hard a couple of times, like he wanted to smash his own skull. “Jesus Christ what a fucking shitty day!” His fist came down on the wall so hard it created cracks. My heart jumped and I closed my eyes and turned around to stand under the shower again. Maybe the warm beads would make it go away. Of course they wouldn’t, I just imagined they did.
“Fucking hate myself …” he said, his voice turning into a whisper halfway through.
After a while he started to alternate sniffs and sighs. Then they turned into sobs. Louder and louder. Until I could no longer ignore it.
I sighed and turned around. His face was buried in his hands, his elbows leaning on his knees. He let out a sad moan and rubbed his eyes with his fingers until they were really red and swollen.
I sank to my knees and took his hands. “What’s bothering you so much?”
He gazed at me with those bright blue eyes, half opened mouth, defeated look on his face. “That I can’t give you what you want, okay?”
He stood up and walked to the shower, leaning his head against the wall, bathing in the water coming down.
“Why? What’s stopping you? Is it so hard to fall in love with a girl like me? Do you ever want more than just a relationship based on sex?”