“I know it should be me in there, instead of Jared.”
Amanda said nothing.
“I can leave you alone if you want,” he said into the silence. “I can find someplace else to sit.”
Amanda sighed before shaking her head. “It’s fine. He’s your son. You belong here.”
Frank swallowed. “I’ve stopped drinking, if that means anything. Really, this time. For good.”
Amanda waved to cut him off. “Just… don’t, okay? I don’t want to get into this now. This isn’t the time or place, and all it’s going to do is make me angrier than I already am. I’ve heard it all before, and I can’t deal with this on top of everything else right now.”
Frank nodded. Turning around, he went back to his seat. Amanda sat in a chair along the opposite wall. Neither of them said another word until Evelyn returned with the kids.
A little after noon, Dr. Mills entered the waiting room. Everyone stood. Amanda searched his face, expecting the worst, but her fears were allayed almost immediately by his air of exhausted satisfaction. “The surgery went well,” he began, before walking them through the steps of the procedure.
When he’d finished, Annette tugged at his sleeve. “Jared is going to be okay?”
“Yes,” the doctor answered with a smile. He reached down to touch her head. “Your brother is going to be fine.”
“When can we see him?” Amanda asked.
“He’s in recovery right now, but maybe in a few hours.”
“Will he be awake then?”
“Yes,” Dr. Mills answered. “He’ll be awake.”
When the family was informed they could go in and visit Jared, Frank shook his head.
“Go ahead,” he said to Amanda. “We’ll wait. We’ll see him after you come out.”
Amanda followed the nurse to the recovery room. Up ahead, Dr. Mills was waiting for her.
“He’s awake.” He nodded, falling into step with her. “But I want to warn you that he had a lot of questions and didn’t take the news too well. All I ask is that you do your best not to upset him.”
“What should I say?”
“Just talk to him,” he answered. “You’ll know what to say. You’re his mother.”
Outside the recovery room, Amanda took a deep breath, and Dr. Mills pushed open the door. She entered the brightly lit room, immediately spotting her son in a bed with the curtains drawn back.
Jared was ghostly pale, and his cheeks were still hollowed out. He rolled his head to the side, a brief smile crossing his face.
“Hi, Mom,” he whispered, his words fuzzy with the remnants of anesthesia.
Amanda touched his arm, careful not to disturb the countless tubes and swaths of medical tape and instruments attached to his body. “Hey, sweetheart. How are you?”
“Tired,” he mumbled. “Sore.”
“I know,” she said. She brushed the hair from his forehead before taking a seat in the hard plastic chair beside him. “And you’ll probably be sore for a while. But you won’t have to be here long. Just a week or so.”
He blinked, his eyelids moving slowly. Like he used to do as a little boy, right before she turned out the lights at bedtime.
“I have a new heart,” he said. “The doctor said I had no choice.”
“Yes,” she answered.
“What does that mean?” Jared’s arm jerked in agitation. “Am I going to have a normal life?”
“Of course you will,” she said soothingly.
“They took out my heart, Mom.” He gripped the sheet on the bed. “They told me that I’m going to be taking drugs forever.”
Confusion and apprehension played across his youthful features. He understood that his future had been irrevocably altered, and while she wished she could shield him from this new reality, she knew she couldn’t.
“Yes,” she said, her gaze never wavering. “You had a heart transplant. And yes, you’ll be on drugs forever. But those things also mean you’re alive.”
“For how long? Even the doctors can’t tell me that.”
“Does that really matter right now?”
“Of course it matters,” Jared snapped. “They told me that the average transplant lasts fifteen to twenty years. And then I’ll probably need another heart.”
“Then you’ll get another one. And in between, you’re going to live, and after that, you’ll live some more. Just like everyone else.”
“You don’t understand what I’m trying to say.” Jared turned his face away, toward the wall on the far side of the bed.
Amanda saw his reaction and searched for the right words to reach him, to help him accept this new world he’d woken up to. “When I was waiting in the hospital for the last couple of days, do you know what I was thinking?” she began. “I was thinking that there were so many things that you still haven’t done, things you still haven’t experienced. Like the satisfaction of graduating from college, or the thrill of buying a house, or the excitement of landing that perfect job, or meeting the girl of your dreams and falling in love.”