“And then he d-did his thing,” she said hoarsely. She hated telling Spencer—good and kind and gentle Spencer—these things. She didn’t want him to know her as this awful, stupid person who had allowed these things to happen. Didn’t want him to recognize her as a fraud who acted tough but submitted to such degradations. But at the same time, she needed him to know every ugly detail about her. Needed him to understand what he was getting into if he insisted on being with her. So she forced herself to continue.
“I didn’t like it. It was my first time and I hated it. It hurt, it was humiliating and awful, but he acted like it was completely normal. Afterward, he untied me. Snuggled up and said I was amazing, but maybe I could move a bit more next time, squirm a little, get all the way into it. Girls loved it once they got used to it.”
She shook her head and plucked at the bedspread, staring blindly into the darkness.
“I never got used to it. Three years in that so-called relationship and I never, ever got used to it. And he didn’t care. I was the submissive he was looking for, a naïve, stupid virgin who thought there was something wrong with her for not enjoying the mortification of being tied up and spanked and blindfolded and gagged . . .”
“And asphyxiated?” His voice sounded harsh in the darkness, like he’d chewed on nails as a snack.
“That came toward the end of our three years. It was terrifying. His grip got tighter and tighter each time. And it lasted longer and longer.” Spencer started stroking her arm again, in an attempt to soothe her.
“After that, I had a series of boyfriends, but every time we got intimate, they started behaving strangely, trying to tie me up and stuff . . .” She shook her head, still completely baffled by that. “It scared me. I didn’t want to be with another man like that, so I always ended it before it went further. I thought maybe I gave off some kind of vibe. I don’t know, like something about me just screamed submissive. It’s weird, because I don’t feel like a submissive. I was a stupid, naïve girl with Jake. I didn’t know better. But I feel like I have a sign pinned to my back or something. Anyway, a few years ago, around the time you started getting serious about Tanya, I started seeing Carter, another out-of-towner.”
“Hmm. I remember,” Spencer grated. “Seemed like a total asshole to me.”
“He was. I thought, he’s an out-of-towner, maybe it’d be different. Our first time together was normal, nothing earth-shattering, just nice, vanilla sex, so I relaxed. But things got freaky after that. More choking, if you can believe it—” She shook her head in disbelief before continuing. “The last time, he didn’t stop until I passed out.”
Spencer swore viciously and she started, understanding that maybe she shouldn’t have laid that zinger on him so casually, but he stroked her arm reassuringly and she relaxed again. “Anyway, that’s when I gave him his marching papers and decided that relationships weren’t for me. Besides the bizarre sex crap that always seems to happen to me, I don’t like myself when I’m in a relationship with someone. I really wanted to start liking myself.”
It took everything in Spencer not to jump out of bed, get dressed, and go hunting for the motherfuckers who had hurt Daff. How could she speak about it as if it were normal? She might have thought she’d given consent, but that Jake fucker had definitely manipulated her into giving it. If Spencer could get his hands on any one of them right now, he would show them what it felt like to be fucking strangled until you passed out.
And why the fuck did they all go that way, anyway? Something was up with that. Daff had her hang-ups—probably because of the fucked-up shit she’d had to deal with in the past—but all Spencer wanted to do was cherish her. Not hurt her or humiliate her. He couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to do anything different. It didn’t add up.
“Are you sure these guys didn’t talk to one another? Maybe some of them spread rumors about what you supposedly liked?” he speculated, and she shrugged.
“I thought that, too, but it didn’t explain Carter. And I mean, stuff like that gets out, right? I figure if it was the guys talking to one another, there would have been rumors. You would have heard it if there was a rumor like that out there, don’t you think?”
“Don’t know. I don’t really mingle too much.”
“If you’d heard a rumor like that about me, would you have . . .” Her voice trailed off, but he knew what she was asking.
“I don’t need your subjugation to get my rocks off, darling,” he said quietly.
Daff was quiet for a moment as she thought about the woman she’d been, the people she’d spent time with, and wondered if their former friend Shar Bridges had known about the bondage stuff. She had introduced Daff to Jake. It was the first time the possibility occurred to Daff, and it made her want to find Shar and violently rearrange her smug, perfect face.
“What are you thinking about?” he prompted gently, and Daff shook her head. She had once, foolishly, considered Shar a friend, but the shallow woman had only ever been interested in what would benefit Shar. What did she have to gain from sabotaging Daff’s relationships? Daff wasn’t sure, but her gut—while historically shitty at reading Shar—told her that the woman was somehow involved.
“I’m not sure, but I think Shar might have had a hand in telling those lies about me,” she said, feeling sick inside. “Why would she do that?”
“Jealousy, maybe?”
“Why would she be jealous?”
“Well, you’re prettier, smarter, more likable than she is, for starters,” Spencer said with a shrug, and Daff smiled at that sweet response.
“I just felt so idiotic,” she said with a deep sigh. “Maybe I was just being a total prude, you know? I know I’m supposed to be this modern woman and it’s okay to enjoy a bit of kinky sex now and then. But I didn’t. I didn’t enjoy it. I just felt demeaned, and maybe I made myself feel that way, but . . .”
“Daff, you’re overthinking it,” he said soothingly. “You don’t like BDSM and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your partners should have asked if you were okay with it instead of assuming that you would be.”
“Jake asked.”
“Jake asked jack shit! The way he presented these questions to you was ambiguous, to say the least. You thought you were agreeing to other things, and he fucking knew it. He tricked you and then made sure to gag you before he did all the things he knew you would have protested to.”
“I must seem so weak and foolish to you now,” she whispered, and he heard the absolute misery and shame in her voice.
“Oh no, my darling.” He lowered his voice to match hers. “Nothing you’ve told me tonight changes how I think of you.”
“But I—”
“No. Daff—” He moved his hand to her face and stroked her damp cheek. It killed him that these memories had made her cry, and he wanted to murder someone because of those tears. But he kept the savage fury he felt leashed, wanting her to feel only tenderness in his touch. “You did nothing wrong. He took advantage of your innocence and confusion. It was an assault.”
“No, I consented to everything.”
“Darling, you didn’t know what you were consenting to.”
“But I didn’t say no.”
“You couldn’t say no. He shoved a gag in your mouth.”
“Afterward, when I knew . . . I still allowed it. I allowed everything else. For three years. What’s wrong with me?”
“Did you love him?” He tried to keep the tension he felt out of his body, dreading her answer. Not knowing what he would do if she admitted to loving an asshole like that, when she wouldn’t even give Spencer a shot at a real relationship with her.
Daff considered his question for a moment. Why had she stayed with Jake for so long?
“I thought maybe I did. But I think I kind of hated him. I just . . . I think I was afraid of being a failure and maybe afraid of being alone. I was so young, and I thought being in a relationship was everything. I didn’t have a degree, I didn’t have what I thought of as a proper job, I was afraid—” She stopped speaking abruptly, the nascent thought almost revolutionary. “All my life I was told I was cute but not very bright, and I should find a man to take care of me. Aside from his sexual proclivities, Jake was every girl’s dream, and I thought he was what I needed.”
“Your fucking aunts,” Spencer muttered, sounding pissed off. “Why would they sabotage your self-worth like that? I thought family’s supposed to lift you up and make you feel special.”
“I think they thought they were complimenting me. Daff’s the cute one, Lia’s the pretty one, and Daisy’s the clever one,” she intoned before snorting in dark amusement. “More like Daff’s the neurotic one, Lia’s the needy one, and Daisy’s the insecure one.”
“I swear to God, if they start carrying on about this crap at the wedding, I’ll—” He paused and she felt him shrug. “I don’t know. Steal their dentures and force them to eat popcorn and apples or something.”