“You scared the crap out of me,” I whisper as I hold her.
“I’m so sorry,” she chokes out over and over again.
“Shhh,” I tell her. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You’re going to get better and I’ll be right here with you no matter what.”
She nods as she tries to stop crying.
I hear the shuffling and whispers from the guys behind me. Realizing all these tears are probably making them really uncomfortable, I stand up and paste on a bright smile. “Everyone’s been waiting to see you. Look, Colin even brought a pizza.”
Tammy smiles and manages a small laugh. “Colin, when I get out of here, you and I are going to have a Mario rematch and I’m going to kick your butt AND eat half the pizza.”
Colin looks like the sun has just shone for him alone, and gives her a shy smile. “Okay, Tam. I’ll even let you have the pink cart since I know you love it so much.”
Tammy’s eyes travel around the room until she reaches Joss. Her expression turns sad and she quickly moves her gaze to her hands on the sheet. Joss is standing quietly off to the side, not really entering the circle the rest of the guys have formed around Tammy. I wonder if she senses that he’s not engaging, and it hurts her feelings.
“Joss, take off those silly glasses so Tammy can see the eyeliner I put on you,” I joke.
He smiles uncomfortably and removes the glasses he’s been wearing around the hospital to avoid being recognized and causing a scene.
“Just call me Marilyn,” he says, referencing the kinky heavy metal singer Marilyn Manson.
“God,” Tammy chokes out. “That’s really awful. You look like a transvestite.”
Joss gives her a wry smile and shakes his head.
We each eat a slice of pizza. I don’t think anyone’s all that hungry, but from what I can tell, the guys will eat no matter how tired or upset they are. Tammy isn’t allowed to have any, but she doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest by the rest of us eating and even mentions that it smells good. I find it hard to imagine that she has an eating disorder, but I haven’t read the information from the doctors yet, so what do I know?
After about forty-five minutes of small talk, stuff about Colin’s cat and the girl who snuck onto the bus while we were at a rest stop in Kentucky last week, I can see that Tammy’s getting tired. She’s been through a lot today.
“We should probably get going, Walsh,” I say, giving him a pointed look. “Let you and Tammy get some rest.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I think my girl’s ready for a good night’s sleep so we can bust her out of here tomorrow. Right, babe?”
Tammy nods.
“So we’re supposed to fly back to Atlanta tomorrow, and we’ve got the concert in Jacksonville the day after. What are we going to do about all of that?” Colin asks as he picks up the empty pizza box and stuffs it in the garbage can next to Tammy’s bed.
“Yeah, I’ve got to have a call with Dave tonight, but we’re thinking we may fly a backup drummer out to do the Jacksonville concert while Walsh and Tammy take care of whatever they need to,” Joss says. “Miguel can take over Tammy’s job for now. He knows how everything in the show works, and we can do some of the other stuff ourselves, get our own damn meals and shit. We’re not complete cripples.”
“A backup drummer?” Mike says, scowling at Joss. “What the fuck?”
“Just for a show or two, man. He needs time to help Tammy right now.”
“Yeah, and he should get that time, and the rest of us should be right there to help him, not off performing with some backup asshole as if drummers are a dime a dozen and you can slide anyone with a pair of sticks into Walsh’s slot.”
Mike has taken a step toward Joss, and he looks at him with such menace it scares me. “Mike,” Walsh says. “It’s okay. Joss mentioned it to me earlier in the waiting room. I’m fine with it, really. I don’t want the burden of feeling like the whole tour has to stop because I need some time off.” He turns to Joss. “I know you’ve got my back, Joss. It’s fine.”
Mike shakes his head, his body taking on a tenseness I can feel from several feet away.
“He’s got your back?” he asks, incredulously. “If you only knew how much Joss Jamison doesn’t. Have. Your back. How he couldn’t give a shit about anything to do with you or this band.”
Joss steps toward Mike. His voice is quiet but very dangerous. “Don’t do it, Mike,” he warns.
Mike glares at him. “I was there, man. Bet you never figured that, huh? Yeah, I stopped by your place. You didn’t even lock the door you were in such a rush to get to it I guess. I wanted to find out how the visit to rehab had gone. I was worried about Walsh. Looks like I was the only one.”
“Stop!” Joss orders, his voice too loud in the small space.
“Or what, Joss?” Mike sneers. “I don’t have a fiancée for you to fuck. What are you going to do to me?”
You always like to think that at the end of your life you’ll remember those special, delicate moments when the greatest love and beauty you experienced burned strong and true. The day you married the love of your life. The moment your baby entered the world. That special feeling you got when someone told you they love you. But this moment—this brief, flashing minute in my sister’s hospital room— as my mind tries to wrap itself around what my heart has already heard, the puzzle pieces snapping into place with the cold finality of metal gates closing, this is a moment I will pray I forget and yet will never be able to.
My blood goes cold in my veins, and I find myself gasping for air. I hear an almost inhuman cry come from Tammy. I look at her and see her eyes darting between Walsh and me. Like slow motion, my gaze shifts from her to Joss, who’s motionless, staring at Mike.
“What the hell—wait. What?” Walsh asks, confusion clouding his handsome features.
“It’s not—” Joss starts, reaching out to Walsh, but his eyes slide to me.
“Tammy?” Walsh asks, ignoring Joss and looking at my sister imploringly.
“Oh, God,” she chokes out.
Sparks flicker before my eyes and I think I’m going to faint. I reach for the railing of the bed and teeter. I feel someone put an arm around my waist and guide me to a nearby chair. I look up and it’s Colin. He leans down and says quietly, “Put your head between your knees and breathe. Nice and easy.” I do as he says.
Through the haze in my head and the searing pain in my heart, I hear Walsh’s voice. “You wouldn’t. You didn’t. God, Tammy, tell me you didn’t.” His pain is so sharp and so intense I forget my own for a moment.
I hear the desperation in her voice as Tammy rushes to answer to him. “I love you, Walsh. I love you. It was an accident, I swear. Please. Oh God, Walsh, please don’t leave me.”
She’s sobbing and Joss is saying something and then there is the sound of bone striking flesh, and Tammy screams. Walsh bellows, “You motherfucker! We’re done. Do you understand me? All of it, Joss. We. Are. Done.”
I raise my head to see Walsh charging out of the room as Tammy continues screaming and sobbing. Joss is bent over, holding his face, and Mike is crouched in a ball against the wall, his head in his hands.
Joss stands and looks right at me, his face bleeding from where Walsh’s fist split his cheek open.
He reaches a hand out to me but doesn’t seem able to form words, and I just keep breathing, because right now that’s taking every bit of concentration and energy I have. Tears keep rolling down my face as Colin strokes my back.
“Joss! You have to go after him!” Tammy screams. “You have to. You can’t let him drink. Please. Oh God, what have I done?” she sobs.
Hearing that Walsh might drink seems to snap Joss out of his coma. He continues to stare at me. “Okay,” he answers her quietly.
“Go!” she shouts. “Go find him.” Then she breaks down again.
“I have to—” Joss says to me, desperation in his eyes. “He might hurt himself.”
I look at him and swallow. Then I turn away. What’s the point, after all?
I hear him walk out the door, and Colin leans down to me. “Will you be okay?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“You and Tammy—I mean, you won’t—”
I look up at him as he hovers over me. “It’s fine, Colin. I promise.”
“Okay.” He stands up and looks over at Mike, who is still crouched against the wall. “I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking, man, but this is far from done. Get up.”
Mike stands with robotic movements. Then he looks at me. “Mel,” he croaks out. “I’m so sorry—”
He’s interrupted by a nurse who walks in briskly, asking about the commotion. She takes one look at Tammy and starts ordering everyone to get out.
We file into the hall, where Colin gives Mike a hard look and then turns to me. “I’ll call you later, let you know how everyone is, but we’ve got to go keep them from killing each other.”
I nod and mumble, “Okay.”
Mike tries to talk to me one more time. “Mel, I never wanted you to get hurt, I swear. You deserve so much better than him—”