Outside it is gray. There is not a single reporter or TV crew waiting. I have to hand it to Octavia. She knows her job.
I stand on the deserted stone steps and suddenly I remember that night Tori dressed me up in the mustache, beard, and fake nose. It feels like a lifetime ago. I was happy then. But all of it was a lie. Fuck her. I don’t need her.
A woman is coming up the steps, our eyes meet. She recognizes me. As she opens her mouth I let my eyes slide away and, keeping my head down, start down the steps. I’ve got no wheels. The fuckers impounded my car, but whatever. On the pavement I walk briskly down the road.
When I see a taxi I hail it. I sit at the back of the cab and don’t allow myself to think. As the taxi turns into my street I shake my head. Fuck! Both sides of the streets are full of camera crews from all the large TV networks. So she called them.
‘The fucking bitch,’ I swear under my breath.
The driver meets my eyes in the rearview mirror. ‘I can turn around and take you somewhere else.’
I shake my head. ‘Just drop me off right outside that black door.’
‘Right you are,’ he says crisply. ‘My youngest daughter loves you by the way. Can I have an autograph?’
I sign a fifty pound note and slip it through the gap in the partition.
‘Thanks, mate,’ he says.
He stops outside my door.
Pandemonium breaks around me as I run up the steps. Microphones being thrust into my face, flashbulbs going from every direction, people screaming, ‘Here, Cash. Look here, Cash? Is it true you were caught having a blow job at the back of your car? Who was the girl, Cash? Turn this way, Cash? Will the police be charging you with reckless driving? How high over the limit were you? Are you going to lose your license, Cash? Give us a smile, Cash. Any comments?’
I slip my key into the keyhole and turn it. The door opens. I walk in and shut the ugly world outside. The phone is ringing steadily. God, what a bitch! She leaked the story that someone was giving me a blowjob when I was stopped.
An excellent example of a 24 karat bitch style revenge.
Well done, Octavia.
Tori
I catch the six o’clock news and I am shocked by how horrendously pained my heart is by the knowledge that a woman’s lips other than mine have been wrapped around Cash’s shaft. In my mind I must have already claimed it as my own. Then the agony of knowing how quickly he has replaced me.
I go down to the bottom of the garden and sit under the apple tree. The air is muggy and lazy with the buzzing of bumble bees. I pull my knees up to my chest and cry my eyes out. My heart feels like it has shattered into millions of pieces.
In my mind I cannot stop scolding myself. If only I had sat him down earlier. If only I had told him. I’d give anything to turn the clock back. Why did I waste that opportunity in my room having sex? I should have told him then. If only. Oh God. Why? Why didn’t I do it? Stupid. How stupid I have been!
I hear the sound of rustling. I look up and my aunt is standing in front of me. She sits beside me, arranges her skirt around her ankles, and turns to look at me.
‘I’m sorry, Tori,’ she sighs softly.
Fresh tears start pouring down my cheeks. I wipe them away with the backs of my hands.
‘Tell me what happened?’ she asks, her face concerned.
I know I have to tell her. This is going to take much longer than I imagined to get over. I can’t walk around like death warmed over and expect everyone to pretend that all is well. Haltingly I tell her everything.
‘I did write those words. It was my diary and it was where I recorded all my frustrations and thoughts, but she took it out of context and made it sound so bad, Aunt Claire. She made me out to be such a conniving bitch. As if I had set out to trap him. I swear it was never my intention. I just wanted to finish my crush one way or another.’
I sniff and blow my nose.
‘I thought, I actually thought that I would meet him and in the worst case scenario we’d have sex and he would start ignoring me, and I’d have to draw a line in the sand and move on, or best case scenario I would see him up close and realize that he was a media created, shallow creature and naturally fall out of love. And be free. I didn’t mean to hurt anybody. In my plan the only person who might have got hurt would have been me.’
‘Oh, Tori,’ my aunt exhales.
‘And you know what the worst thing is? I hurt Britney. She’s the sweetest, most generous soul ever. It was her birthday party and she had so looked forward to it.’
‘Why don’t you call him?’ my aunt suggests gently.
‘I can’t. He’s totally disgusted with me. You should have seen his face, Aunt Claire.’
‘I still think you should explain. The man I met wouldn’t push you away.’