“Died,” Nikki finished, “August 1, 2014.” She buried her head in Brant’s chest. “Seconds after he changed our lives forever.”
They sat in silence.
They cried in silence.
He was fucking done with silence.
“I’m sorry.” Two words. So simple. So full of meaning. “I’m so damn sorry.” He squeezed her harder. “I’m sorry we lost him. I’m sorry.” The floodgates opened.
And the dam broke, causing the chasm between them to collapse as she grabbed his face with both hands and said the words he’d been needing to hear for the past four years: “It’s not your fault.”
It was. Everything was his fault.
“He died because he wasn’t healthy. There was no heartbeat, Brant. It’s not your fault.”
“Maybe if the apartment wouldn’t have been so old, so—”
She kissed him. She tasted like salt and regret. So much regret.
“Brant, it was not your fault. It wasn’t mine. It was life. Life happens. Just like the fire happened. You were trying to do a good thing. You were trying to help me.”
“I was terrified,” Brant admitted. “Terrified that I’d lose you just like I lost him—and then, rather than deal with the fact that you were pushing me away—wanted me gone, the guilt…” He shook his head. “On top of the risk that I almost lost you, too, that you blamed me, it was too much to handle. I felt it. All of it. I was sick with it. Sick with feeling. I just wanted it to stop.”
“Ignoring it doesn’t make it stop.”
“No.”
“I came here, you know,” she admitted. “I never got this close—it hurt too much—but there’s a maple tree over on the far side of the property. I used to imagine I was here playing with him in the leaves, rather than visiting his grave and dusting those same leaves off of it.” Her voice broke. “I used to dream he was still alive. You were with us, in every dream. I’d close my eyes and I’d see you laughing with me, chasing him, hugging him, and I’d tell myself, My life is perfect.” She sighed. “And the best part was, when I opened my eyes, I saw nothing but shapes, so I really could imagine you were one of them.”
Brant couldn’t stop the pain as it sliced him from head to toe, and when he didn’t think he could take it anymore, he collapsed against Nikki.
And let go.
He grieved.
For their son.
For them.
For lost time.
For all of it.
Chapter Thirty-One
The silence was good.
It was finally good.
Not filled with things left unsaid, things that needed to be discussed. A giant wall of emotions was always built in those silences.
But this silence was different.
She embraced it as Brant clung to her like she was his lifeline. For four years she’d thought she needed him. Never once did it occur to her that he needed her more.
Or that maybe it wasn’t the man’s job to chase; maybe the woman needed to choose to fight, too. Choose to fight for them when tragedy hits the man in the knees and keeps him down.
“I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I shouldn’t have said those things.” She ran her hands over his perfect face. “I shouldn’t have made it easy on you to leave. I was too hurt. Too rejected. Too angry. And I think a part of me felt like maybe I deserved to lose you too.”
His mouth fused with hers over and over again.
She pulled away. “Forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Nik.”
They stayed in each other’s arms for another few minutes before they made their way back to the car.
Brant was quiet the whole way back to the resort, but a part of her wondered if he wasn’t just emotionally exhausted and needed to process what had just happened.
The driver opened the door, and Brant once again helped her out. “You’re free the rest of the night, right?”
She nodded.
“Good.” His voice was gruff. “I have one more date planned for us tonight.”
“And then what?”
He didn’t answer her, not right away. Insecurity threatened. She shoved it back.
“I have to check on something important.” His voice wasn’t the same. Again he sounded angry. Like the old Brant.
It fanned the already growing insecurity to life.
They had finally broken down all their walls, or so it seemed. They grieved. They had closure.
And now he was walking away?
She jerked her hand away from him just as the smell of mint and cologne permeated the air. Cole? What was Cole doing in front of the hotel?
“Thanks, Cole, I’ll be back in a few hours.” Brant said.
The sound of a car door slamming jolted Nikki’s thoughts into action. She analyzed every little thing about that day and tried to match it with Brant’s actions, with him getting in a car, with him leaving.