The Arrangement Anthology 2(9)
Gabe told me to get out of here as fast as I can. I’m out of options. She’s not letting me quit and talking is getting me nowhere. I wish I could say something else, but nothing comes to mind. The only way out is to agree with her, so that’s what I do. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe more money will make it more tolerable.” My gaze drops to the floor and Miss Black beams at me, and touches my shoulder lightly.
“Excellent. I knew I could count on you, Avery. We are going to be very rich women when this is over. Just wait. Your dream of being a marriage therapist will seem trite in comparison.”
Her words are like barbs. Each one is shot with precision directly into me. Her intention is to belittle my dreams and show me that I can have everything if I stay with her. Black knows she’s losing me, that I don’t want to be here anymore, so she’s throwing logic in my face. It’s difficult to ignore her when she makes so much sense. I’ve worked my ass off for my degree. It’s a piece of paper that will allow me to get another piece of paper that will allow me to finally become what I always wanted to be. When I was younger, I could see myself in a big old house with a little office around on the side. There was a husband and a baby inside. They were dreams and I was content with the thought of middle class life, and trying to get by like everyone else.
But what she just said, the things she is offering, make those dreams seem so fragile. I’ve been walking on cracking ice for a while now, and it’s been growing thinner and thinner. One misstep will destroy everything. Somehow the certainties that I once held have all been snatched away. One rumor, one wrong place at the wrong time, or one accusation could ruin me and I’d be worse off than I am now. Alone, I’d have no way to support myself. Every issue of my life could stabilize if I say yes and continue to work here. I could have my own fortune, and I wouldn’t be subject to the whims of other people. That’s what Black’s offering and it makes so much sense that it hurts. She knew exactly what to say, where to strike.
For a second, I look at Black. My words are meant to find a soft spot in her armor, a longing for a life she let slip away. “What were your dreams when you were my age? What did you want to be, Miss Black?” My tone implies that there was no way she chose this job, but the look on her face says otherwise.
Stepping towards me, her voice takes on a caring tone that sounds too motherly to be coming from her mouth. “I dreamt of power, and was willing to do anything necessary to secure my future. You’d be foolish if you don’t do the same. In the end, the only person you can depend on is you. People come and go, they’re born and die. The only constant in your life is you.”
Numbness spreads through me like poison, lurching from my fingertips to my toes. I can barely move. Black has found something that terrifies me more than small spaces, and this time when an imaginary coffin flashes before my eyes, I’m not trapped in it.
Instead, I’m in a funeral home and looking down at Sean.
CHAPTER 7
I’m not normal anymore. At one time I might have been mainstream, but not now. There are too many nightmares that walk about in daylight, and Black just pinpointed my worst fear. I barely survived my parents’ deaths. I couldn’t make it through Sean’s, and yet, everyone must die. It’s a matter of when and how much time we have left. I don’t suppose other people think about death the way I do. Sometimes I imagine the worst thing possible, trying to brace myself for it, so I never feel so off balance again.
The day my parents died was unexpected. There was nothing to brace me, no one to hold me up. At times like that a person finds out how strong they are, and I’ve started to think that I am not weak. I endured it and I can still smile. I lived through tragedy and still breathe. I got to tomorrow and things looked brighter, but Black saying that—suggesting that one day I’ll be alone again—cut me to the core. She found my weakness.
We leave the building without another word. Gabe has the limo waiting out front, so Mel and I slip inside and get out of the chilly night air. Sighing, I lean my head back against the seat as Gabe drives us in silence.
Mel finally speaks, “Don’t let her get inside your head. That’s what she was trying to do, Avery. Shove her out.”
I wish it were that simple, but Black’s words planted a seed in my mind. The thought is already growing, vining around inside my head like a rampant weed. I don’t want it there, but she spoke the truth. The thought of losing Sean terrifies me. I can’t go back to that life where I was barely glued together. I’m not strong enough to live through it again. “I know, but she knew what she was doing and honed in on something that scares me more than anything. The stupid thing is that I had no idea it was there. I mean, I always said my biggest fear was being trapped inside a closet or something. She blindsided me, that’s all, and it would have been easier to blow her off if it wasn’t the truth.”