I switch gears to the other questions I’ve had rattling around in my mind. “Did you love Amanda?”
He glances up at me. “Did you love your parents?”
My jaw locks and I refuse to show more emotion. My gaze narrows. “I’m not taking anything for granted. Did you love her?”
Sean sighs and runs his hands through his dark hair. “Yeah, I loved her. I wish I was there that night. I wish I died with her so I didn’t have to endure this. I’m a morbid fuck, Avery. Seeing you, and finding out you were working for Black, felt like a slap in the face. But, then I realized that you didn’t know our history—that you were telling the truth. You captivated me in a way that’s incomparable. I had to know more about you. Then, Black put her foot down and said no. I had to twist her arm to get her to say yes for another date. She always says yes to more money. It’s the chink in her armor. She’s so afraid of being poor again.”
“Wait a second—you asked me to marry you knowing that Black would throw a hissy fit?”
“That’s an understatement. She’s more likely to put a bullet in my brain, but I know she won’t hurt you. You’re the prize we’re fighting over. She wants to keep you around because you’re a money tree and I want you because, well, you already know that part.”
I swallow hard. I saved the darkest question for last. It’s finally time to ask. “And the box?” I don’t need to elaborate; we both know what I’m talking about.
His lips are pressed tightly together and he holds his breath. I know he doesn’t want to tell me, but he does. “I was angry after Amanda died and handled a call girl a little too roughly in a small space. She was terrified and begged me to stop. I didn’t.” He doesn’t look up. Instead, Sean’s gaze is glued to the floor with his hands tugging on the back of his neck, as if he hoping the ground will open up and suck him straight to Hell.
I’m cold, and don’t spare him. I have to know what he did and what happened. Being like that with him triggered something. I have to know. “What happened to her?”
Sean’s lips are smashed together, forming a thin line. The muscles in his arms are bulging as he pulls on his neck. After a moment he sucks in air and confesses, “I pushed her past her limit. She couldn’t stop screaming while I was fucking her, and then she went silent. I thought she was all right, but she wasn’t. When I was finished with her, I let her out, but she had a blank expression on her face. I talked to her, but she didn’t respond. Her eyes had a vacant haze, as if she was no longer there. The woman is a walking shell of what she’d been. I destroyed her. She’s in South Oaks and has been since our encounter.”
My eyes are wide with shock. “The mental hospital?” He nods. “And being like that with me, in that small dark space, did what? Made you think of her?” My skin is covered in goose bumps. I want to cry. That woman could have easily been me. I’ve tried to do that for him, and he reacts to my fear—it arouses him in a way that’s incomparable to anything else.
“Yes, I thought of her, and then Amanda. Everything I touch dies in my hand and the same thing’s happening to you. You were vibrant when I met you, and now I’ve blanched the color from your cheeks and caused you nothing but pain.”
I say the words that I’ve been thinking, because that’s all that really matters. “How do you want this story to end?”
Sean glances up at me. There’s a sheen over those dark eyes and I can tell he’s surprised. He expected me to run screaming, but I’m still sitting here. I haven’t moved or berated him for his actions. Death can destroy people and make them long to be amongst the ones they lost. I understand that part of him more than he thinks. “I want you to be safe.”
I smile sadly at him. “We both know there’s no such thing. The concept of safety is fake. We both know that. Anything could happen to anyone at any time.”
“You’re safer without me. We both know that.” He sits up straight and shakes his head.
“Perhaps, but if you hadn’t come along when you did, I would have done something horrible with someone else to ease my pain. They wouldn’t have cared about me. You do.”
“Stop making logical arguments, Miss Smith. That’s supposed to be my job.” He watches me and although I want to smile, I don’t. Sean glances away and sighs. “So what now? What do you want, Avery?”
“I know exactly what I want. I want the man that’s hidden beneath the layers of grief and scorn. I want to stop feeding the monster that preys on darkness and fear. I want the real you, the one you’ve banished, because you’re afraid that man will turn to dust in the daylight. I want you—the real you. The man that laughs with his whole body, the one that stuffed snow down my pants, and brought me a gourmet dinner on the beach. I want the man who put the ring on my finger and I don’t want him to run when he’s afraid.”