The Arrangement Anthology 2(166)

CHAPTER 11




The rest of the night flies by in a blissful blur. This is unreal, unlike anything Sean’s ever done before. I wonder if this is the man that used to be or if this is a totally new version of Sean that he doesn’t know, that no one knows. I’m elated and exhausted, lying naked in his bed. There’s a sliver of moonlight peering through the draperies. It feels like I have anvils tied to my eyelashes and every time I blink it becomes harder and harder to reopen my eyes, but I don’t want to take my gaze off of Sean.

He’s been falling in and out of sleep for an hour now, maybe more. There’s a peaceful look on his face that makes me want to watch him, but it also makes me worry. In this state, he’s frail. Vulnerability isn’t something that equates to Sean Ferro, but there are times when I see it. The most common is at the cemetery when he’s standing in front of his wife’s grave and looking at the family he lost. He blames himself and he always will.

The thing is, tonight was different than other times because his walls never went back up. It’s what I always wanted. It’s also what scares the tar out of me. I finally had a taste of what the real Sean Ferro is like, of the beautiful man that lies beneath the torment, and I love him even more. The little traces of who he is that have popped out from time to time are nothing compared to the man I saw tonight.

I want to close my eyes and wake up next to him every day. I want things to stay like this, and have it be me and him against the world. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? Forming an alliance with someone, trusting them, hoping they’ll be there when you fall, and helping them up when they need you. Sean’s afraid of repeating his mistakes and I see that, but he’s in this constant state of looking backwards and living in the past.

I was like that. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be numb to the world and everything in it. I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing my parents, but it meant that I gave up feeling anything at all. I don’t think I can live that way very long, because what’s the point of living if you can’t feel?

All the things that I love most are sensations—the breeze on my face, the crunch of fall leaves under my feet, the sand between my toes, and even the warmth of Sean’s skin on mine—they're all things I feel. The things I don’t want to be without. I wonder if tonight will convince Sean to let go of his past, at least a little, enough to step forward into the light. The only way I’ll find out is if I close my eyes and fall asleep. I’m excited to know what tomorrow brings but I’m afraid of it at the same time.

My eyelids close slowly as my gaze is fixated on Sean’s lips. To my surprise, his blue eyes are suddenly revealed through dark lashes. A smile twitches at his lips and he reaches out, touching my face, dragging his finger along my cheek. The touch makes me shiver and feel safe at the same time. It’s like being touched with ice and fire, and there’s no other way to describe it. Both ecstasy and agony.

Sean says sleepily, “Close your eyes spray start car girl. I’ll still be here in the morning, nothing will change.”

I’m afraid to ask, but I do, “How can you be so sure?”

“Because I finally found what I’m looking for, I was just too stupid to see it.” He smiles sleepily at me. “I’ve made promises before, but I didn’t know what I was promising. Now I do. I want this. Every day. Every night. Us. Together, if you’ll have me. And if not, I may just wear my man ring and just tell people I’m engaged to the awesome Avery Stanz.”

That last remark makes me giggle, I can’t help it. Sean caresses my cheek again and I snuggle closer to him. “Was that a proposal, Mr. Jones? Because I believe it’s tacky to propose after sex, at least for your kind.”

He smirks. “My kind?”

“Yes, your kind—the fabulously wealthy, powerful, and slightly crazy, Ferro family. I’m sure they’d be horrified to learn of such a tacky proposal.” I’m teasing him and too sleepy to make up much of a jeer. He knows it. Sean snuggles closer so we’re nose to nose, and he’s gazing sleepily at me. “So should we open a condom and put it on my finger as a ring?”

Sean’s response is nonverbal, he leans in closer, putting his hands on my side, and tickles me. “The guy who gives you a condom as an engagement ring is a fucktard.”

I gasp, opening my mouth like I’m in super shock. “Did you just use slang? Oh my God, I think I might die. The great Sean Ferro sounds like a normal person.” I laugh as he tickles me more, but I’m honestly too tired to fight him off.