The Arrangement Anthology 2(154)

My voice is too high, but I can’t help it. “I can’t take this. I didn’t earn it. They died, Sean. Because of me.” A tear escapes from my eye and rolls down my cheek. It splatters on the glass, obscuring my name. “I don’t deserve this.”

Sean wipes away another tear before it can drop. His warm hands cradle my face, but he doesn’t force me to look up. Instead, I stare at the diploma while a whirlwind of feelings cyclone together inside my chest.

My parents were supposed to be here. They would have been proud. I had plans for graduate school and plans for life, now none of them will happen. At least that’s what I thought. Getting the diploma changes things, but when I look at it, I don’t see my struggles or my accomplishments—I see blood on an eyelet bedspread and the blank look on Amber’s lifeless body.

At some point I start prattling these things, bearing my soul to Sean in a way I’ve not done in a long time. I wipe away a tear. “How am I supposed to be proud of this when every time I look at it the only thing I see is death?” I laugh nervously and avoid his gaze. “Now isn’t a good time to return me, or throw back any of the dumbass things I’ve done lately. Don’t push me Sean, I can't handle it.”

Sean shifts his stance. He’s been listening to me, closed off, with his arms plastered to his chest. However, with my last statement, his arms drop to his sides and he steps forward, closer. “I’m sorry things didn’t happen the way you wanted. I’m sorry you feel like their blood is on your hands, but it’s not. I also know that I can tell you that for twenty years and you won’t hear it, so hear this—I never, ever thought I’d be this close to you again.”

He suddenly falls silent, so I glance up. His eyes are on the carpet and his hands are in his hair, as if he doesn’t know what to say. “I pushed you away, too hard, too many times. You deserve better.”

We stare at each other for a moment. Neither of us speaks. Time stills and this feels like one of those points that matter. I can blow him off and we can go back to the squabbling or I can do something else, something different and see where it leads.

My face scrunches up as I try not to cry. Stepping forward, I put the diploma down and step into Sean’s space and press my body to his chest, hoping his arms will come up around me. He’s not good at comforting, and this embrace reminds him of Amanda, I know it does, so I’ve avoided it—but not anymore.

Slowly his hands lift and find my back. He slides them into place and holds onto me.

I go on, bearing my soul. “Naked Guy was a douchebag, but I wouldn’t have wished that on him. He tried to hurt me, plus he launched those videos of me sexting all over. But Amber—she didn’t deserve it. If every bitch in the world was shot, there’d be less than a dozen women remaining and a lot of horny men.”

Sean stifles a giggle and nearly chokes, but he seems to sense what I’m thinking. “Listen to me, Avery. Amber was a cop, and she knew the risk going in. Her death isn’t on your shoulders, and you shouldn’t feel badly about getting your degree either. You worked for it. You sacrificed everything, every moral, every virtue, so you could have this degree.”

I feel so conflicted. My past and my present have collided together. “I know, but now that I have it, it wasn’t worth it. If I could go back and undo everything, I would.”

“Everything?” His voice is light, nervous. He knows I’ll tell him the truth.

Once I met Sean Ferro, my life became an untamed mess. I dropped the reigns the night he kissed me. Everything has run wild since then. I never thought I’d be standing here inside the Ferro mansion, next to this man, and yet here I am.

Pulling back, I look up at him. “Let’s not be coy anymore. If you have a question, ask it.”

“You know what I’m asking.” He stiffens, and the line between his brows deepens with worry.

“That’s like saying, you know I love you.” I say the last part in a dumb guy voice.

Sean smirks. “I don’t sound like that.”

“Then, ask me, Mr. Jones and I’ll tell you the truth. What is it that you really want to know?”

Sean has a lump in his throat that he can’t swallow. It feels like I’m torturing him, but if we’re wading into new waters here, we’re going together. I take his hand and try to catch his eye.

His voice comes out so soft, so insecure, that it nearly tears me in two. “Do you wish we never met?”





CHAPTER 4




His question, God, it’s awful. I don’t think, I don’t judge, I just talk. I hope that letting the floodgates open will finally help me see where I need to go. “After my parents died, I lost everything—my family, my childhood home—everything. The night I jumped on the back of your bike was one of the worst nights I’d had since the cops came and told me that my parents were gone. All my earthly possessions were in that car, and that car—” I let out a rush of air and push my hair out of my face, “—was the only thing I had left of my dad. No one helped me. No one cared enough to do a damn thing. But you did. The guy you try so hard to hide from the rest of the world was out in full force that night. I wouldn’t wish that away, not for anything.”