The Arrangement Anthology 1(78)

We spend the next hour looking through the sand. Basically, we wander the beach, barefoot and sweep the sand away looking for something silvery and glittering beneath the surface. As it gets closer and closer to time to leave, my heartbeat turns panicked. Where is it? Eventually, I give up trying to locate it with my feet. I’m sifting through the sand on my hands and knees, but I can’t find Mom’s necklace. It’s the last piece of her that I have. My brow is pinched with remorse. It doesn’t matter where we look or how far we fan out.

Mom’s necklace is gone.

I sit back on my knees and look up at the sky. It’s gray with streaky white clouds. Pressing my eyes closed, I stop thinking.

Mel watches me. I feel her eyes on my face. A moment later, she’s standing next to me. I feel her hand on my shoulder. I open my eyes and look up at her. “It’s not here, Avery.”

I stand and brush the sand off my jeans. I’m frozen to the core. I look out at the waves pounding into the sand. I wish my heart would freeze. I wish I didn’t feel so much. I can’t handle this. I can’t bear what my life’s become.

Mel snaps her fingers in front of my face. When I don’t react, she grabs my shoulders and twists me toward her. “It’s not here, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find it.”

“You’re too nice.” I breathe, still numb.

This can’t be happening. My heart races as I glance around, looking at everything, but seeing nothing. Panic is strangling me. I feel it, but I don’t let it overcome me even though I want to, even though I feel the need to fall to my knees and scream that life isn’t fair. My hysteria gets shoved back into its box. One day it’ll spring on someone like a crazed jack-in-the-box and scare the shit out of them.

Mel’s laugh pulls me back to the present. I glance at her. Mel has a doubtful smile on her face. “Too nice? That’s not something I hear every day.” Mel sighs. Tilting her head, she says, “Come on. Nothing good is going to come from sitting out here and freezing our asses off. Let’s go to class. I’ll help you pull apart your room later. I bet it fell behind the dresser or some dumb shit.” Mel’s words are kind, but I hear it in her voice—she knows I lost it. She knows the necklace will never been seen again, and she’s worried about me. She thinks I’m coming unglued, that I’m about to fall apart.

Swallowing hard, I follow her back to the car. As we walk, my eyes scan the sand dunes, the spaces between the boards, and finally the sandy parking lot. Nothing. My mother’s cross is gone. The wind whips my hair into my face and stings my skin. I wish to God that I never came out here with Sean. I lost so much that day, more than I could bear to lose.

I refuse to fall apart. I refuse to succumb to the sensations choking me, to the stabbing pain in my hollowed-out heart. I won’t turn to dust. This will not destroy me. I am strong.

Sucking in the cold air, I let it fill my lungs until they ache. I hold it a beat longer than I should and let it out slowly. My breath makes a long, white cloud. My fingers ball up at my sides as I wonder why I can’t give up, why I can’t simply fall to the ground and die. I’ll survive this, I know I will.

That necklace wasn’t holding me together. Something else is—something strong—but I have no idea what it is.





CHAPTER 5



Time passes painfully slow. I stare, not looking, not listening. Lectures blur together and I move through campus like a robot. I smile when I should, wave at my friends, and basically go through the day on autopilot. It isn’t until my lab with Marty that he calls me on it.

“Avery,” Marty says, leaning in and pinching my arm.

“Owh!” I finally glance at him and actually see him. For the first time since we left the beach, my eyes focus and I actually see him. “What’d you do that for?”

“You’re mixing the wrong stuff together. Snap out of it! You’ve had this glazed over look on your face all day.” He watches me for a second.

Surprised, I flinch and look up at him. His brown eyes are like big candies. He’s nothing but sweetness and I’m nothing but bitter. “Sorry,” I say, and tuck a curl behind my ear. I reach for the lab sheet and confirm my mistake.

“There’s nothing to apologize for—well, not unless you blow us to kingdom come. Why don’t I do the lab and you fill out the sheet?” I smile weakly at him and sit down on my stool, taking the paper in my hands.

“So,” Marty says, his eyes darting over to my seat occasionally, “What are your plans this weekend?”

The corner of my mouth pulls up. It’s a lame smile, the kind that covers how stupid I feel. “I’m working.” And not getting paid, because I’m an idiot and threw all my money back at Sean. Why did I do that?