The Arrangement Anthology 1(69)

This is what it’s going to feel like with the other clients. I press my eyes closed, waiting to feel Sean pushing into me again, but I don’t. Opening my eyes, I look for him, but can’t see him. I hear his jagged breathing somewhere behind me.

A tear escapes from my eye and rolls down my cheek. I feel his eyes on my face. I know he sees it. My stomach clenches tight. I close my eyes willing my tears away. No more fall. No more will come. It doesn’t matter what he does to me.

But Sean doesn’t touch me again. I hear him sit down hard behind me. I struggle with the ties, hoping to free myself, but I can’t. Before I realize what’s happening, Sean’s there and he unties me. I watch his face as he unties his belt from my wrists. He won’t look at me.

I stand and rub my wrists and fix my dress. My heart is pounding. “You didn’t have to stop.”

“It felt wrong,” is his only reply. Sean sits in a chair and hides his face from me. The way he leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees and resting his forehead on his hands makes it impossible to see him.

“Why?” I know I shouldn’t ask that question, but I do.

Sean looks up at me with such sorrow in his eyes. He doesn’t answer me. Instead he tells me more things that I don’t want to hear. “Before, when we were in that elevator, when you made that noise—I knew you were afraid. I sensed it. It turned me on faster than anything else. You know why I don’t want to do this right now? Because it’s not enough, it’s not pushing you all the way into your darkest fears. Tiny space with no light terrifies you. All I can think about is fucking you in there, making you so frightened that you scream while I fill you with come.” Sean’s breathing hard, like the idea is too appealing to resist. My heart beats harder, faster. “I was like you, once. I felt things by touching and tasting, but not now. I can do those things, but I crave the other so much more. We’re a bad match, Avery. I’ll break what’s left of you. There’s very little holding you together. I don’t want to be the guy that turns you into this.” He presses his fingers to his chest.

I’m stunned. I don’t know what to say. Sean is messed up beyond belief. Fear surges through me. I want to run, but I need to stay. “So, you need to hurt me to get off?”

Sean shakes his head after a moment. “No. I need to feel your heart racing and feel you trembling. It’s the fear. I need your fear.” Sean doesn’t look at me. His confession weighs on his shoulders like he can’t stand.

I don’t know what to think of him or his needs. I can’t fathom his life or this. The only thing I can think to say is the thought that keeps popping up in my mind. “But I’m afraid of you anyway.” Sean’s eyes cut to mine. I feel the world shift.

The words that I’m never supposed to say come pouring out of my mouth in a flood too fast to stop. “It doesn’t matter what you do or what you say, I’m desperately afraid of you, Sean. Everything about you seems to bring me back to life. You’re voice, your words, your face…I can’t think when you’re there and when you’re gone, it’s worse.

“When I saw you this morning, I was torn apart. I’d found your note, the one in your pocket. I thought you were cheating, that you had a wife and a baby. When you showed me her grave, I almost wished you were cheating. I could have walked away from that, but not from this. And that’s what frightens me more than a dark elevator or a tiny closet.” I hold my breath and try to stop the flow of words, but they don’t stop.

I step toward him, almost afraid to touch him. The moment feels so brittle, like it could snap. “You evoke things in me that I’ve never felt, that I never thought I’d feel. And that’s just it—I feel around you, and it’s amazing. I’ve been numb for so long, wishing that I could seal off the pain that’s seeping into my soul. Then you came along and I fell for you. I love you, Sean. I can’t help it. And it terrifies me.” Wide-eyed with a pounding pulse, I watch him react to my words.

Sean’s eyes lock with mine, but he says nothing. He just looks at me. It’s the worst thing he could have possibly done. A moment later, he turns and pinches the bridge of his nose. Sean doesn’t look at me when he says it. “I’m going to tell Black to send me a different girl. You can go.” His words feel like a knife to my gut.

I stare at him with a million thoughts racing through my mind. He doesn’t love me. The thought beats me down into a bloody pulp. I can’t stand to look at him. Saying nothing, I cross the room and grab my purse. I take the stack of bills that Miss Black gave me. I don’t think about it. I just act on my feelings. This whole fucking charade can stop. I don’t want his money. I don’t want him. I want every trace of his existence scrubbed clean from my life. Anger builds inside of me. I need this money, but I need my sanity more. I fling the stack of bills across the room. The money flutters through the room like a gust of oversized snowflakes. Before Sean looks up, I’m gone.