Sean’s gaze doesn’t meet mine while he finishes eating. It’s like he’s stuck somewhere in the back of his mind. I wonder if he can’t come out of that darkness or if he doesn’t want to. The entire time I’m with him, I notice something. We’re very alike in how we dealt with the lot we were given, but there’s a cynical sharpness to Sean that I don’t have. He seems to guard it, carefully wielding it when someone gets too close. That smile on his face, the one he wore that night at the steakhouse, is fake. His entire façade is a house of cards. I can’t blame him for doing anything he needs to do to hold himself together. I don’t pretend to know how he feels about his loss. It’s almost like he blames himself, that it was more than misfortune that stole his wife. I glance at his beautiful face and wonder about his child. I can’t imagine Sean giving the baby away, not if that child is the last piece he has of his wife. But Sean doesn’t mention the baby.
My throat tightens thinking about it. Sean’s lived through hell and hides every last bit of it. Watching him at the cemetery was the first glimpse I got of who he really is, and every time that I think I know Sean, I find out that I don’t know him at all.
After lunch, Sean drives me back to campus. The silence continues, until he turns onto the main road. “Do I need to pretend that I don’t know where you live? Or would you like me to drop you by your dorm?”
I glance at him. How does he know which dorm I’m in? I wonder if I should be concerned, but I’m not. Not looking at him, I say, “Wherever is fine.” My emotions feel brittle like an old leaf. I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself and never crawl out of the grief that’s drowning me.
Sean pulls up in front of my dorm. I get out and see my car parked at the end of the lot. Before I shut the door, I turn back. “Thank you.” My voice is wrong. It sounds like I’m saying something else, something I should never say to him. I love you. I hold his gaze for a moment and try to swallow, but I can’t.
Sean nods. “Thank you. I’ll remember today for a very long time.”
My throat tightens. Why does it feel like we’re saying good-bye? I push back the feelings, and nod at him. I close the door and walk away, thinking that I’ll see him in a few hours. I think I know what’s in store for me that evening, but I was wrong.
CHAPTER 8
As I walk toward my room, I run into Mel. She darts out of her room when she sees me walk by. I don’t feel like talking and I need to change.
Mel doesn’t seem to care though, and yanks me by the elbow. “Whoa! Where do you think you’re going?” I whirl around and catch my balance before I fall over. Sand falls out of my pant leg onto the dingy gray carpet. Mel glances at the sand and back up at me. She crosses her arms over her ample chest and throws out her hip. Her head sways as she scolds me. “Have you lost your mind? I saw you with that guy on the beach. You can’t date anyone. Get your ass in here.” When I don’t move and flick my eyes longingly down the hallway, she snaps her fingers. “Now.”
I sigh. “Fine. Whatever.” I follow her into her room. Her roommate is out. Mel has at least nine books open with pages marked with little sticky notes. She’s working on her research project.
“Don’t give me that shit, Avery. I saw you and if I saw you, Black could have.” She shuts the door. After moving a book, she extends her hand to the chair I usually take when I visit her room. “Sit, and tell me what the hell you’re thinking. Black won’t pay you a cent if you violate your contract, which—by the way—you did by making out with some guy on the beach.”
My eyes feel tired, strained. I glance up at her. “How’d you find me?”
She cocks her head to the side and makes a face. “Do you think I’m stupid?” Tapping her finger to her lips, she says, “Let’s see, what are the three places Avery runs off to when she’s psychotically upset?” Mel ticks them off on her finger as she lists my three places. “One, that shitty old church out in timbuckfuckingtoo, which is a hell of a drive to make when you’re not already out there. Two, your parent’s grave. And three, Jones Beach, Field five. Seriously, what the hell is going through your head?” She folds her arms over her chest and taps her foot. Mel is still standing in front of me. I know she’s scolding me because she knows what’s at stake—everything, my whole life.
I don’t look at her when I speak. “I didn’t realize you knew all those places.”
“A girl can’t have a brain? Since your parents died, I know exactly where to find you when you go into that super funk, but Avery—after everything you went through to get that job and you already did the nasty with a client—why are you throwing it away?” Her arms fall to her sides and her voice softens a little.